Daily Joke

[TexasBred]

See if you can slip this one past the MODS. :lol2:

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"! The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[slick4591]

:clap:

 

[slick4591]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[john250]

I love this bar.

 

[Ouachita]

I love this bar.

"Pop a Top, Again.....I think I'll have aaaanother round,.. set'em up my friend..."

I agree. Ain't it great. Never had so many laughs in one place :lol:

 

[jilleroo]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning, there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you - unfortunately, some really bad news, but some good news and, maybe some more good news".
"Well", says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first..."

The Sarge says. "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about 5 fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead".

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes, he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that....So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

 

[Ouachita]

I thought about posting the Alaska version earlier, but thought some might find it offensive. After TB's "new ears" joke :lol: , I think anything goes. Here goes the native version................

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at
each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen
25-pound king crabs and 6 fairly good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging
to her; and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[Ouachita]

Dang, I just noticed I'm a "Trail Boss". Does that mean I'm green broke yet?

 

[MO_cows]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons"?

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have. I've been divorced three times, I've owned two Hyundai's, and I voted for Obama."

 

[Isomade]

:lol:

 

[Alan]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning, there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you - unfortunately, some really bad news, but some good news and, maybe some more good news".
"Well", says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first..."

The Sarge says. "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about 5 fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but
she was dead".

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes, he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that....So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

:lol: :lol:

Ouch!

 

[hillsdown]

Wow ,some really great ones posted in the last couple of days .. :clap: :lol:

 

[melking]

See if you can slip this one past the MODS. :lol2:

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"! The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

:clap: :clap: :clap:

 

[Jaymar503]

 

[TexasBred]

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........



"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many f***in' security cameras."

 

[Anonymous]

We have alot of dead bees in the porch because the indoor pool attracts em and they get trapped and die. Max, the fat useless mutt runs around eating the dead bees for some reason. Wife says to me " i wonder why, he must be missing something"
I respond " yeah, must be vitamin b"
.
.
.
.
So i grabbed my wifes arse and she fell down on a nail when she tried to get away

I told her friends i grabbed her arse and she got nailed. Why is she complaining?

 

[slick4591]

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

 

[CottageFarm]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[slick4591]

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon love session with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

 

[alisonb]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... Picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said:-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"