ALACOWMAN
Well-known member
warning rough language but a gut busting SOB :lol: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYOtK-MrexU
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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chrisy
Well-known member
you can it will just hang around the neck instead.hooknline":1uh1pmph said:
Nesikep
Well-known member
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
--- I definitely agree with this one ----
and PAGES AND PAGES of jokes from another forum I'm on...
http://www.mazspeed.com/forum/thread.ph ... &styleid=2
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
--- I definitely agree with this one ----
and PAGES AND PAGES of jokes from another forum I'm on...
http://www.mazspeed.com/forum/thread.ph ... &styleid=2
Nesikep
Well-known member
This one's been around, I think even on these boards perhaps, so it doesn't apply to anyone who's seen it before
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6._ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong.....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have alzheimers..
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6._ _NDOM
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong.....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have alzheimers..
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. "Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly," and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly," and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
alisonb
Well-known member
Oh my goodness!! I will never view Willie in the same light again :lol:
TexasBred
Well-known member
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
TexasBred":3au15iih said:
So, since when is a 30 second egg any good? Oh, I forgot, it's a joke. :lol:
melking
Well-known member
TexasBred":1tu52m1g said:
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
chrisy
Well-known member
melking":15cpumk0 said:
kenny thomas
Well-known member
alisonb":8e9kvc3f said:
Knew I loved Willie for some reason. :lol2:
LazyARanch
Well-known member
Okay, just gotta do this one...
Bubba died in a fire in his trailer. He was very badly burned and needed someone to identify him, so the morgue called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe.
Jim-Bob went in and and said "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."
Not saying a thing, but finding it strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "It ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Bubba had two azzholes," replied Billy-Joe.
"Two azzholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two of 'em, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two azzholes!"
Bubba died in a fire in his trailer. He was very badly burned and needed someone to identify him, so the morgue called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe.
Jim-Bob went in and and said "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."
Not saying a thing, but finding it strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "It ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Bubba had two azzholes," replied Billy-Joe.
"Two azzholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two of 'em, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two azzholes!"
Nesikep
Well-known member
Little Suzie was in class, having an argument with her teacher whether it was possible for a whale to swallow a man (Jonah), the teacher insisted it was impossible.. After a while, little Suzie said "When I get to heaven, I am going to ask Jonah what really happened". The teacher thought a moment and said "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven". Without missing a beat, Suzie replied "Then you ask him"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."
So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fine, of course I would!" Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"
So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with two sluts and a gay guy!"
So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fine, of course I would!" Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"
So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with two sluts and a gay guy!"
Ouachita
Well-known member
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $50.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $50 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $50?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $50.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $50 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $50.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $50 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $50?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $50.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $50 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
CKC1586
Well-known member
:clap: :lol2: :nod: :clap: :lol2:
alisonb":2gcfxyn9 said:
I hope no one minds if I contribute to the thread.... I love reading this thread, gives me a good laugh when I need one! Thanks.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
:lol: Good joke.
chrisy
Well-known member
WOW! Jaymar with friends like that who needs enemies. :lol: :lol: :lol:
How to Know where a Driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California
With gun in lap:
L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
How to Know where a Driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California
With gun in lap:
L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
