tamarack
Well-known member
:lol: :lol:
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
- Start date
Help Support CattleToday:
Apparently Sleep Number has developed a mattress that allows the firmness to be adjusted by voice commands. So when you come home and hear your wife shouting harder, harder, it just means she is adjusting the mattress.
TexasBred
Well-known member
Air Force Attitude towards respecting the rank is somewhat different than our other American military institutions. We tend to hold stupidity regardless of rank in contempt. So you can be a 4-star general and still have your head handed to you by a smarter NCO, as long as you start the conversation with "all due respect".
This is one for those who have donned the uniform and can truly appreciate the significance . .
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shyt out of an aircraft." "Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind Sir?"
This is one for those who have donned the uniform and can truly appreciate the significance . .
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shyt out of an aircraft." "Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind Sir?"
Shantilly
Well-known member
For the Texans....It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here." :cboy:
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here." :cboy:
TexasBred
Well-known member
And had he been Catholic the call would have been free. :hide:
Shantilly
Well-known member
lol TB possibly... 
chippie
Well-known member
Sometimes spacing makes all the difference. . .
I THINK MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME
So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.
If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.
I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!
So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go up to the stable and wait. In a few minutes his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some bales of hay the headlights shine through my stable door and I see something that I just can't believe.
The string, on my hay looks too loose on just one side Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace the knotter
So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.
If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.
I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!
So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go up to the stable and wait. In a few minutes his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some bales of hay the headlights shine through my stable door and I see something that I just can't believe.
The string, on my hay looks too loose on just one side Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace the knotter
TexasBred
Well-known member
The weathermen say the temperature
is going to drop to extreme levels tonight.
And everyone should check on the elderly and senile.
Are you OK??? :mrgreen:
Well someone sent it to me!!!!!
is going to drop to extreme levels tonight.
And everyone should check on the elderly and senile.
Are you OK??? :mrgreen:
Well someone sent it to me!!!!!
George
Well-known member
Catching Wild Pigs
>
> This is a word to the wise, if you can understand what's going on
> around you....
>
> There was a chemistry professor in a large college
> that had some exchange students in the class.
>
> One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young
> man,
> an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his
> back hurt.
>
> The professor asked the young man what was the matter.
>
> The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot
> while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to
> overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime.
>
> In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange
> question.
>
> He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"
>
> The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.
>
> The young man said that it was no joke.
>
> "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting
> corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to
> eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put
> a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When
> they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you
> put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start
> to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence
> up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, which are used to the
> free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again.
> You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.
>
> Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and
> around
> inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the
> free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to
> forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."
>
> The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees
> happening in America. "The government keeps pushing us toward
> Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form
> of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned
> income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments
> not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc., while we
> continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. "
>
> One should always remember two truths:
>
> There is no such thing as a free lunch,
>
> and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper
> than you can do it yourself.
>
> If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem
> confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to send
> this on to your friends.
>
> If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you
> will
> probably delete this email.
>
> BUT, God help us all when the gate slams shut !!!
>
> Quote for today:
>
> "The problems we face today are there because
> the people who work for a living are now outnumbered.
>
> This is a word to the wise, if you can understand what's going on
> around you....
>
> There was a chemistry professor in a large college
> that had some exchange students in the class.
>
> One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young
> man,
> an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his
> back hurt.
>
> The professor asked the young man what was the matter.
>
> The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot
> while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to
> overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime.
>
> In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange
> question.
>
> He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"
>
> The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.
>
> The young man said that it was no joke.
>
> "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting
> corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to
> eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put
> a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When
> they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you
> put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start
> to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence
> up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, which are used to the
> free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again.
> You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.
>
> Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and
> around
> inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the
> free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to
> forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."
>
> The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees
> happening in America. "The government keeps pushing us toward
> Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form
> of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned
> income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments
> not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc., while we
> continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. "
>
> One should always remember two truths:
>
> There is no such thing as a free lunch,
>
> and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper
> than you can do it yourself.
>
> If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem
> confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to send
> this on to your friends.
>
> If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you
> will
> probably delete this email.
>
> BUT, God help us all when the gate slams shut !!!
>
> Quote for today:
>
> "The problems we face today are there because
> the people who work for a living are now outnumbered.
lmbrsn
Well-known member
This Morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.
Dog Rules
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
*****
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
*****
Nesikep
Well-known member
I was thinking of tax time, and when it asks for "Dependents", to put 25... All my cows ARE dependent on me, they're all under the age of 19, and none of them make any money.
tamarack
Well-known member
redhead, brunette , blonde walk into a bar the redhead asks bartender for a TC bartender asks what is that? A Tom Collins she replies , brunette asks for a RC bartender asks what is that? Rum and coke of course. Blonde asks for a 15 , bartender what is that? blonde a 7 and 7 Duh!
regolith
Well-known member
Nesikep":11px0x80 said:
I wonder if that's why I can't get a job... I've listed over 300 dependents on my resume before now.
TexasBred
Well-known member
Advice to my golfing buddies.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG. ALLOW OTHERS AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
"WELL DONE...NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF."
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG. ALLOW OTHERS AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
"WELL DONE...NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF."
Coco Donatella
Well-known member
TexasBred
Well-known member
Your point :?: :?: :?:Coco Donatella":10c4b2b3 said:
