HDRider
Well-known member
I wish we had a like button - No Joke.
I stole the Forest Gump joke and the whoopass cartoon.
I stole the Forest Gump joke and the whoopass cartoon.
Daily Joke
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CKC1586
Well-known member
:nod: :clap:HDRider":15wo7im9 said:
Jogeephus
Well-known member
A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it.
He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window. Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic b!tch."
She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed camel-flecker
Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it.
He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window. Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic b!tch."
She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed camel-flecker
TexasBred
Well-known member
:lol2: :lol2: :clap: :clap: :lol2: :lol2: Run Ahmed. :!: :!: :!:
Nesikep
Well-known member
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Nesikep
Well-known member
I'm on a roll today... One of my friends just sent me a bunch in my email...
A doctor from France says: "In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.
A German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of one person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from one person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us...in the USA,
about 6 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no testicles...
we made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!
A doctor from France says: "In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.
A German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of one person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from one person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us...in the USA,
about 6 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no testicles...
we made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!
Nesikep
Well-known member
1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs?
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? (I got this by email)
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs?
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? (I got this by email)
skeeter swatter
Well-known member
A 23 year old golddigger married an 81 year old man and they went on a week long trip. After they returned a friend noticed her messy hair, the bags under her eyes, and slight limp and asked "what happened?, I thought you were on vacation."
The bride replied "I thought so too, but when he said he was saving up for 60 years, I thought he meant MONEY!"
The bride replied "I thought so too, but when he said he was saving up for 60 years, I thought he meant MONEY!"
What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he bends over?
Doughnuts!
Doughnuts!
greybeard
Well-known member
Once there were two ranchers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two ranchers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other rancher's house and said that he didn't want their children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?"
The other rancher said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."
The other rancher said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"
The other rancher said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."
The other rancher said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will,'
said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will,'
said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
True friendship
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just backs off and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you bring him here ?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just backs off and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you bring him here ?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Nesikep
Well-known member
c'mon, there's gotta be a new joke out there... OK.. here's a little one
I set my PVR to record "The biggest loser", but it keeps recording Toronto Maple Leafs games
I set my PVR to record "The biggest loser", but it keeps recording Toronto Maple Leafs games
Nesikep
Well-known member
2+2+2 = 7
Teacher : If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny : Seven, Sir .
Teacher : No, listen carefully . . . If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny : Seven, Sir .
Teacher : Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny : Six .
Teacher : Good . Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny : Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher : Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny : Because, . . . . I've already got a f****n' cat!!!
Teacher : If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny : Seven, Sir .
Teacher : No, listen carefully . . . If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny : Seven, Sir .
Teacher : Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny : Six .
Teacher : Good . Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny : Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher : Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny : Because, . . . . I've already got a f****n' cat!!!
TexasBred
Well-known member
Book Report-Too funny!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
cow pollinater
Well-known member
A man lost his brand new hat. He was quite upset as it was a fancy one and he couldn't justify the expense of replacing it.
He decided that on Sunday morning he would go to church and sit in the back and then halfway through the sermon he would leave and steal a hat from the coat hangers on his way out. The sermon was on the Ten Commandments and he found himself staying for the full service. As the pastor was greeting people leaving the church the man shook his hand and thanked him. He explained what his plan had been and thanked the pastor again.
"I'm so glad that my sermon touched someone" the pastor said. "obviously the message about theft has changed your life".
"No" replied the man. "When you got to the part about adultry I remembered where I left my hat."
He decided that on Sunday morning he would go to church and sit in the back and then halfway through the sermon he would leave and steal a hat from the coat hangers on his way out. The sermon was on the Ten Commandments and he found himself staying for the full service. As the pastor was greeting people leaving the church the man shook his hand and thanked him. He explained what his plan had been and thanked the pastor again.
"I'm so glad that my sermon touched someone" the pastor said. "obviously the message about theft has changed your life".
"No" replied the man. "When you got to the part about adultry I remembered where I left my hat."
cow pollinater
Well-known member
A young rancher decided to marry his longtime girlfriend from town. About six months after the wedding she came down to the corrals to watch him work and just stood there silently next to the chute.
Finally she said, "you know, I just assumed that you would stop all of this once we were married. It's time to sell the cattle, horses, and house-train the dogs so that you can stay home with me."
He replied, "you're sounding an awful lot like my ex-wife."
She screamed, "you never told me you were married before!"
He replied, "I wasn't."
Finally she said, "you know, I just assumed that you would stop all of this once we were married. It's time to sell the cattle, horses, and house-train the dogs so that you can stay home with me."
He replied, "you're sounding an awful lot like my ex-wife."
She screamed, "you never told me you were married before!"
He replied, "I wasn't."
Kingfisher
Well-known member
A Longhorn, a Sooner and an Aggie were riding around in the back of a pickup. The truck went off the road and sank into a tank pond. After a moment the Longhorn popped to the surface. Then the Sooner. Minutes went by as the two figured their Aggie had drown. Finally he pops up gasping fOr air. What happen they ask? Aggie says " I couldn't get the tailgate down....."
George
Well-known member
Border Security
A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and ShaniaTwain on the other."
"This I got to see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to Toronto "
Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto"?
The agent replied,
"I recognized Rob Ford in the middle."
A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and ShaniaTwain on the other."
"This I got to see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to Toronto "
Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto"?
The agent replied,
"I recognized Rob Ford in the middle."
George
Well-known member
The unstoppable virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even
the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965...
Symptoms:
1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
and that is the truth. acw
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even
the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965...
Symptoms:
1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
and that is the truth. acw
