Daily Joke

[P & H cattle]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b****ing and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hill and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

 

[jedstivers]

Yep. :banana:

 

[alisonb]

 

[P & H cattle]

New Math


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

[P & H cattle]

Words of wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

[TexasBred]

Never Assume

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[chippie]

:lol:

 

[chippie]

 

[TexasBred]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"By Jeebers. I'm a little crocked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

[Cabo]

Good one TB and I like your signature, especially with grandkids involved.

 

[TexasBred]

Good one TB and I like your signature, especially with grandkids involved.

Impossible to fish and worry at the same time. ;-)

 

[P & H cattle]

There is a new product out that is for both bad breath and is a birth control.
It is being marketed as " Predicamint ".

 

[P & H cattle]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched downthe hallway, back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[john s]

Hear about the day Bush and Obama happened to meet at the barber shop?
When Obama's barber finished the haircut, he asked if Obama wanted him to splash on a little cologne.
Obama looked over at Bush and smiled, and stated
"No way ...
if Michelle smells that stuff on me, she'll think I've been in a 'House of ill repute".

Bush's barber finished Bush's haircut and asked him the same question. Bush smiled at Obama and said,
"sure go ahead.
Laura doesn't know what a House of ill repute smells like"

 

[P & H cattle]

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

[P & H cattle]

You might be an engineer if ... (part 1)

choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions

At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

 

[Angus Guy]

Last night I was having a drink when a fat ugly woman came up to me and said, "you're cute, think I can have your number?" I replied, "got a pen?" She said, "of course I do." I told her, "you better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone."

 

[slick4591]

 

[P & H cattle]

I'm SOOOOOOO embarrassed!!!

An old lady was standing at thre railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"




***************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm."

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a few minutes. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we always had State Farm."

 

[TexasBred]

Dam, Sir Loin is back with a new name. Welcome back Pete. :wave: