a few good quotes for a laugh!?!?!?

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Well-known member
Jan 20, 2006
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England United Kingdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'
Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon

is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books.

You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain


By all means, marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness ..

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old.

I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the ageing process down

if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ...

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: -

If it tastes good spit it out.
chrisy said:
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


There was a poster on another board I visit who said "I was 22 before I realized my name wasn't "dammit boy". He was the same guy who claimed his first romantic encounter was on the hood of an Olds 442, and interrupted by his cousin, the deputy sheriff.