Rules for dog owners..........

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Well-known member
Dec 28, 2003
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MO Ozarks
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog
stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment
named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent
basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard
sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run
free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal
along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog
can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not
the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture
until it looks like the old furni! ture and then we'll
sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon
which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's
not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not
with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the
covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores
he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have
nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep
on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census
questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's

QUOTES (from the famous and otherwise)..........

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his tongue." ! -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive ev
idence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I
want to go where they went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy
licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average
person." -Andrew A. Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare
and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best
deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite
unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and
always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund Freud

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that
certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very,
very few persons." -James Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us
peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to
turn around three times before lying down." -Robert

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep
abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog
newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog
news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a dog." -Franklin P. Jones

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is
up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog
money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best
friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the most
am! azing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we'r e the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert
A. Heinlein
A person would never understand this unless they own a dog or two!!
My australian shepard is 1 1/2 yrs old. I only had him with in the cow herd once. He is smart! But he sticks to helping me break the showstring. The old cows thought he was one of the coyotes we had been shooting and he spent all day trying not to get squished by over protective mamma's.
But he sleeps in the house, ok in the bed, ok beside me with his head on the pillow, and ok his snoring is even tolerated! Thanks for the post Dun :cboy:
Here's a few more memorable quotes -- my favorite has always been Mark Twain's quip about making a starving dog prosperous. Sorry if any of these are repetitious of Dun's :

Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Josh Billings

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too. - Samuel Butler

Dogs have more love than integrity. They've been true to us, yes, but they haven't been true to themselves. - Clarence Day

A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself. - Josh Billings

Animals are such agreeable friends--they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. - George Eliot

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy. - Ogden Nash

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, what counts is the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

The reason dogs have so many friends is because they wag their tails instead of their tongues. - Unknown

There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog. - Konrad Z. Lorenz

Our dogs will love and admire the meanest of us, and feed our colossal vanity with their uncritical homage. - Agnes Repplier

Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you. - Mary Bly

Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you. Give me a pig. He just looks you in the eye and treats you like an equal. - Winston Churchill

The dog was created specially for children. He is a god of frolic. - Henry Ward Beecher

If dogs could talk, perhaps we'd find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people. - Karel Caprek

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson

The more I see of the representatives of the people the more I admire my dogs. - Alphonse de Lamartine

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
Dog Dictionary

LEASH A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED Any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered

DROOL A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes,
forces humans to give you their food. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and
get the drool on the human.

SNIFF A social custom used to greet other dogs,
similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN A container which your neighbors put out
once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on
your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your
nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and
moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for
dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic
benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out,
bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you
prance away.

DEAFNESS This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person wants them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER This is a signal that the world is coming to
an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during
thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably,
panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at
their heels.

WASTEBASKET This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to
evenly distribute its contents throughout the house
before your person comes home.

BATH If you find something especially good to roll in,
humans get jealous and use this degrading form of
torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next
to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN Every good dog's response to the command "sit!",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening
out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP The best way to get your human's attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP A maneuver to use as a last resort when
the regular Bump doesn't get the attention your
require....especially effective when combined with The
Sniff. See above.

CHILDREN Short humans of optimal petting height.
Standing close to one assures some good petting. When
running they are good to chase. If they fall down,
they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE A feeling of intense affection, given freely and
without restriction. The best way you can show your
love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human
will love you in return.

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