Meddling Grandparents

[cowgirl8]

My inlaws moved to us. :help: We've had our differences, but i found out that telling them they are wrong is wrong because i did rely on them more than i'd like to admit...Like i said, pick your battle, one you can win. Hitting them head on is not going to work...The only one i hit head on was, FIL drinking while he drove them around...Now, i know that puts pictures in everyones head as does mine....But he was from a different era. I didnt realize this until i watched Mad Men..They hit the nail on the head of my parents generation. This is what i was at battle with. I did hit that one head on and put a stop to that for obvious reasons, but it also sends a message to the kids, if they can do it why cant i. MIL was champion at empty praise.. Telling the kids they did good when i knew they didnt even try. Not that i countered that with negativity.....I danced around it where it just didnt happen, without anyone knowing what i was doing and making me the bad guy.
Be smart.....sports, showing livestock, are good things to get them in that takes up their time. Burning a bridge with the rents only makes your job harder. As the kids get older, having them around will be a big help.. My kids all stop off to see their grandparents regularly...she still gives them junk to eat, buys them clothes.....its sweet and the kids are very lucky to have them...
PS......one daughter leaves her 2yr old down there when she feeds cows. MIL is doing something that totally drives me batty and its not even my kid. She allows child to drag her around by the finger to what she wants.. No even remotely my type of parenting...sure its cute, but make the kid talk and tell you what they want. Its just me, i just have to let it go.....she'll speak when she's ready i guess...lol

 

[alisonb]

You are just feeling 'out of control' of things and you don't like it much...

Let the children stay at school two or three days a week and do homework, allow your parents to pick them up on the other days...it should be limited. Can't see an odd hour or so having something to eat and relaxing with their grandparents on the 'other days' as being detrimental to them at all, quite the contrary.

Part of finding happiness is being grateful for what we have...we sometimes forget to be grateful.

 

[Bigfoot]

I'm going to talk to them this afternoon. From birth till now, me and the folks have never had a difference of opinion (sounds odd, but is true). Maybe all will go well.

 

[Kell-inKY]

When I was young, maybe 10-12, after leaving my Grandparents house my Dad said something very strange to me. He said "when you get married, don't ever let me interfere with your life", it made an impression on me that I should be "the man".

If I let my parents or in-laws meddle in our kids lives they would not respect me, granted, I am the A-hole of the family but none of them have withheld their love from my kids because of it.

However, I don't know a lot of grandparents like your kids have. They simply do not exist around here, they don't want to be bothered with grandkids, don't want to be called "grandma" and are too self absorbed.

 

[J&D Cattle]

Similar situation here Bigfoot. My mother is the lower elementary school secretary. Daughter is at that school and son rides the bus to that school every day. Mom then takes the kids home with her to her house. My Dad is usually always there as well. I don't get off work until 5 and my wife leaves around 4 so the kids are with them for 30-45 minutes every day. Our gripe is that they would let them snack and eat way to much junk. My wife does a very good job of helping us to eat healthy and it would pi$$ her off to no end to have my parents undo that. I've had a couple of pointed conversations and I think overall the situation is better but there are still times where they just baby the heck out of them and go overboard.

Personally it's something that I still bring up every now and again but overall I am so grateful that they get to see my parents daily. My wife's parents are divorced with her mother living out of state and her father in a nursing home. I cherished the time I had with my grandparents and am very happy that both my kids and my parents are getting the same experience. Good luck.

 

[Jogeephus]

Part of finding happiness is being grateful for what we have...we sometimes forget to be grateful.

Ditto.

Is this doing any harm to the children? If not, you might look in the mirror and do some soul searching as to why this bothers you. Also consider the things they are teaching them about the value of family.

 

[TexasBred]

I honestly haven't prayed on it at all.

I also didn't put as much emphasis on rodeo practice in my first post as I should have.

Gotta love grandparents but I think you need to remind them who the parents are and that you will do it your way. How was it done many years ago when you were the child?? If it weren't for that big yellow bus I guess I would have been home schooled.

 

[1982vett]

I'm going to talk to them this afternoon. From birth till now, me and the folks have never had a difference of opinion (sounds odd, but is true). Maybe all will go well.

Hope it went well....
Here are some of my thoughts....from someone who didn't raise children (Don't you just love that :lol: :lol: )
Someone mentioned getting Grandpa involved....he probably want's to stay out of it. If so you might get a little support from him. Compromise is probably going to be the answer. If my wife agreed with me..... I'd set them all down, Grandma, Grandpa, the kids, and my wife. (all witnesses to what's being said) If Grandma want's to continue to pick them up after school fine, but some ground rules will apply to what happens after. The kids already know them, Grandma probably knows them but chooses to ignore them....but that will have to change, and you will give a little too. Let her make them a snack, let them relax after school a bit. Yes, I remember coming home from school (on the bus) and being put straight to work many times. I tend to think of school as a kids job, so all work and no play is akin to no vacation. After snack time and a "break", it's time to tackle chores. Maybe a weekly/daily chore list needs to be developed with some alternative chores for bad weather. Attach a point system to the list.... after so many points "earned" for chores.....Grandma gets to indulge the kids. Grandma earns that right by seeing the kids do what is expected of them.
On another note, I'll bet Grandma had her way when raising her kids....she needs to be reminded that you and your wife own that right also. Now after that talk, it may be a good thing for you and the kids to have or do something to show Grandma how much you appreciate and love her. :cry2: Yeah...make her cry with joy.

 

[cowgirl8]

How old are your kids?

 

[Bigfoot]

How old are your kids?

Twins 11 youngest 9.

 

[Bigfoot]

Part of finding happiness is being grateful for what we have...we sometimes forget to be grateful.

Ditto.

Is this doing any harm to the children? If not, you might look in the mirror and do some soul searching as to why this bothers you. Also consider the things they are teaching them about the value of family.

Good answer. I'm afraid it goes back more to what I want to accomplish in the afternoons. I hate to lose an hour to an hour an half of my afternoon dealing with things the children can/should do. I'm probably a little extra hype, because my list of things I need to get knocked out by spring is no where near accomplished. These are jobs they can't do (shy of hand me tools, or fetch things I need).

Fact kinda still remains that my expectation for the kids is change clothes, and hit what is their responsibility. For this week, it's been: count the heifers that are to calf yet , feed their horse, brush out their winter hair, and feed the heifers I kept from 2015. Any limping or dings is supposed to be reported to me. All jobs they are capable of.

 

[talltimber]

I don't know what the answer is. There are some good suggestions above. I am a new grandpa myself. My daughter lives three hours away. I can see my first and only grandson every couple of weeks is all. I wish I could spend more time with him, but it is what it is. Therefore, I am not going to suggest to necessarily limit a significant amount of time with grandparents, since mine were wonderful with me and basically raised me.

When my kids were little/still at home they had chores to do. Chores never killed a kid as far as I know. Teaches them how to work. If they turn out to be a bum that don't work, then that's not on me. It's on them. And I've heard the "let kids be kids" enough times I could puke. Being a kid is one thing, being a spoiled, manipulative brat is another. If they are using grandma to get around you and chores, you got to lay it down. If grandma really is the one holding up the show, just talk with her. Lay out what you expect to get done of the evening. Also, very important, arrange some time for grandma/pa, and not at 10:00 at nite.

I remember when my kids were little. We were on the road constantly. Roping practice, ropings, rodeos, 4H, ball games, chores, barrel races, barrel practice, etc. I would caution about getting too busy or missing much time with the kids now (you all or grandma/pa) They will be grown before long.

 

[Rafter S]

Here are some of my thoughts. They're guaranteed to be worth what they cost you.

I think 1982vett, and others, made some excellent points.

I know maturity levels differ between children, but if I remember correctly I wouldn't leave my son at home alone until he was 12, and my daughter when she was 14. Who knows what trouble 3 of them could get into if left unsupervised.
If the grandparents pick them up from school you wife can probably get more done at school. I don't know what the bus rides are like in your area, but I remember what they were like when I was in school. I wouldn't let mine ride them.

 

[Ky hills]

I don't want to meddle, but from what I see and read on here you are someone that I respect, and could look to for good moral advice on any issue. I have found myself in issues with family and other situations before. I have found that it is better to be gracious and try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit before letting emotions take over. That being said, keeping things bottled up doesn't help either. Let them know they are appreciated and welcome in their grandchildren's lives, ( I know they are, sometimes that just needs to expressed in some way). Maybe reach a compromise of some sort, in which the children are still expected to do some chores, that's not unreasonable at all, and still have some time with grandparents as well.
I know you are a man of faith, so I would urge you to pray for guidance on the matter, if/when you talk with them.

On a side note, I have observed over the years that the younger generations seem to pay less and less respect to their elders, and immediately write off good sound advice from them. I recently heard a conversation of some friends who were more or less making fun of some ideas from older folks. I was very surprised and dismayed by their dismissive remarks, I thought to myself they would do well to listen to those older folks who have been there and done that so to speak. ( That side note was free, and not directed toward your situation at all.)

 

[Bestoutwest]

Here's my thoughts:
-Kids are only kids once in their lives. That being said it doesn't mean that they should get to play video games/watch TV all day long.

-Grandparents only get to be grandparents to that age once. Maybe you could wrangle your parents into helping. If it's only counting animals and brushing them, what's the danger? It's not like they're going to be trying to separate rodeo cattle from their calves.

-We have a 5 y/o. If wants his $1/week allowance then he has to help. He feeds and waters the dog and his pet fish. He also has to clean up after himself. He hasn't died yet. Maybe offer a financial reward as in you want any money you help out. If it's your cattle, you help or they get sold. If you want your cell phone to work, you have chores to do.

-Incentivize it with being able to watch TV only after things are done. If they don't get accomplished no TV. If the GP's aren't willing to reinforce the rules then the kids have to stay at school.

That being said, I think the big key is to not over do it and make the GP resentful, and allow your children to be children to some degree. I'm not saying that they should be bums, but they don't have to be little slaves either.

Good luck with the talk! We've done a couple of those with my parents and they're always pretty difficult.

 

[M-5]

How do you water a fish??

 

[Bigfoot]

We don't do allowances. I match what they win in a rodeo, and all 3 have a few cows. Son has more, but he has bought them. They get a roll of hay, for everyday they work in hay. The day to day chores are more expected in return for a place to stay, and something to eat.

I'm dreading this afternoon, but I'm going to talk to them. I called them this morning, to say the children would be riding the bus to me today. You could sense a funk in the air, when I told them.


Again, I'm thick skinned, and don't want to be blind to issues, that are evident to others. If they've got the rest of their life to learn to work, and an hour and a half of relaxing after school isn't ruining them, then I'll call the dogs off.

I actually only posted this because my wife sees it my parents way. Not to prove her wrong, but to get an opinion.

 

[Muddy]

seems to me your just looking for something to complain about because you don't have full control of the situation. There are millions of kids in this country that wish they had grandparents that cared for them and wanted to spend time with them. IIRC your kids are approaching their teenage yrs and will soon be driving and then your situation will change and you will have to listen to grandparents complain about them never coming to see them. I could see your problem if you just said "they did a terrible job of raising me" and you don't want that repeated. Just go with the flow and give them a list of what to do. If the list doesn't get done take it up with GP and ask why.

:nod: I fully agree with this 100%

 

[Bestoutwest]

How do you water a fish??

You don't know how to water a fish? :lol2: That thing is huge! It's one we pulled out of the cows' water tank last fall b/c he wanted it. I thought it would die, but he faithfully feeds it every day and it's the biggest $.25 goldfish I've ever seen. It's got to be almost a year old by now. He's a tough dude.

 

[Dave]

Another option would be tell the kids that they can have their time after school. But tell them when you get home and change your clothes that they better have their clothes changed and beat you out the door. They have their chores to do and you have yours. You don't want to get stalled out on your chores waiting for them to get theirs done. Let them be kids for a while but make them realize that they need to pull their end of the load.

Grandma........ smile at her and say my house, my rules. Keep smiling and don't discuss it any further. I bet when you lived in her house you went by her rules.