Meddling Grandparents

[Bigfoot]

Got a bad situation, and it's getting worse. My parents and I are very close. I need advice, on how to handle this situation. The correct answer would be haul off, and tell them to mind their own business. Problem is, that's not going to work. At least, without leading to hard feelings.

One common reoccurring scenario:
1. My wife is a teacher. The kids go to her school. School lets out at 2:20. She stays, and works a little longer. Usually an hour or so.

2. My parents think it's a travesty that the kids don't leave school at 2:20. They also think it's a travesty to ride the bus. Against my wishes, they pick them up everyday. Neither choice is bad to me. They all have an hour of homework, just stay and do it there. Riding the bus, ain't no bad way to go either.

3. They bring the kids to my house. No problem there. My mother usually makes some eloborate snack, and encourages them to relax, and watch some TV. That doesn't sound so awful either, but my standing order for the kids is to strip off your school clothes, put on some work clothes, and get started on as many chores as you can knock out before I get home at 4:45. Then we finish chores together, and either practice rodeo, or tackle a worth while project (fencing, mowing, cleaning).

4. I've expressed my disappointment at of this situation on numerous occasions. Came home this evening to kids piled on couches and chairs, watching TV, and eating snacks.

I'm actually pretty thick skinned, so if you need to let me have it, give it to me. I should have made a scene a long time ago. I haven't yet, in an attempt to keep the peace. The kids know how I feel, but swear my mother won't let them get started. Idk. I may even be expecting too much. I personally see nothing wrong with making kids work. My parents certainly saw nothing wrong with making me work. They actually got a little too much of their money's worth out of me. That may weigh in to their actions. We raise 15-20 acres of tobacco, and put 10,000-15,000 square bales a year. This was all with no hired help. My back was shot by the time I finally got out of the house. We're not talking about that kind of labor. We're talking about day to day chores, with a little labor throwed in.

What in the world do I do? Am I expecting too much? It's gone on all winter. Now with the time change, it's really getting under my skin. Ample opportunity to knock out some good projects, before it gets hot. You know what I mean. This is the best time year for some things.

 

[SJB]

I understand your situation. Unfortunately, (and you already know this) either you can be the boss or they can be the boss.

You can either ignore it and learn to live with it, or have a talk with your parents. Sounds to me like the only real deal breaker is the chores.

It's like your choice is between potentially alienating your parents and instilling work ethic in your kids. I'd try everything I could to find an alternative way to instill the work ethic, and if that doesn't work, speak to your parents. I'd probably pray about it first, and sleep on it a day or two, but that's just me.

Good luck.

 

[Bigfoot]

I honestly haven't prayed on it at all.

I also didn't put as much emphasis on rodeo practice in my first post as I should have.

 

[greybeard]

Grandparents tend to treat grandchildren in retrospect of how they treated their own children. Perhaps they now feel they worked you too hard when you were a kid and don't want you to work your younguns the same way your parents did you?

 

[Bigfoot]

Grandparents tend to treat grandchildren in retrospect of how they treated their own children. Perhaps they now feel they worked you too hard when you were a kid and don't want you to work your younguns the same way your parents did you?

That's plausible. I can see that.

 

[JMJ Farms]

FWIW Bigfoot I've been there. Tight spot. No good way out. 1) By the posts you make, and the way I think I "know" you, then your parents are probably pretty dang good folks. 2) Nothing you say or do (provided it's not horrific) is gonna change the way they feel about you and "your" family. 3) They raised their kids, this is your call...... My advice is to simply load em up in the truck or sit them down and lay down the law. Respectfully of course. Tell them clearly what you expect of your kids and that you feel strongly about chores and responsibility (as do I) and rodeo practice and not holding the couch down all the time. I think they will understand. Probably wont really like it that good but I feel they will probably respect your wishes and you may wish you'd have done it sooner when it's over..... With that being said, it ain't easy to do if you're like me because of the respect you have for your parents and you might feel as though you're not honoring them by telling them what to do. However this is your family so it's your call. Dial God up and ask him too. Might be surprised at his answer. Hope it's in line with mine bc I consult with him often, though not often enough. Good luck to you. I think it'll work out fine in the end.

 

[Anonymous]

It will only cause more problems the longer you let it go. I have an inlaw that gave me the same problem. I love her but she was overstepping. Kids knew what I expected but wasn't happening because of her. I "punished" the kids in front of her......with a belt. Kids were mad, inlaw was mad, but the issue was resolved. They all got over it pretty quick.

 

[True Grit Farms]

What's so bad about grandparents being grandparents, and kids being kids? They only have the chance to do it once.

 

[Aaron]

Grandparents tend to treat grandchildren in retrospect of how they treated their own children. Perhaps they now feel they worked you too hard when you were a kid and don't want you to work your younguns the same way your parents did you?

I agree. This is likely the case. In which case, you need to set boundaries. It sounds like they are picking them up every school day and spoiling them. The grandparents need to have their 'grandchildren time' limited to the weekends. Your fortunate that your kids habits haven't been altered because of the lax after-school routine. Sounds like your parents need hobbies to preoccupy their time. I don't know of any grandparent that picks the grandkids up from school each day. Neighbor picks his two grandsons up at school on Fridays and they spend the rest of the day and weekend with him and grandma on the farm. Rest of the week, he lets his son/daughter-in-law do the parenting.

 

[D2Cat]

How about a conversation with your parents about the goals you have for your kids. Mention work ethic, chores, rodeo practice and others. Let them know why they are important to you and your wife. Maybe even tell them about your principles and morals and why TV isn't a priority for relaxation. Explain why you have the schedule you choose. Answer any questions they may have, and thank them for your upbringing and for them helping you with your kids. Then thank them for understanding your desires. Give them a written schedule of your expectations, and thank them again.

If you don't make changes you will not get any different response from your kids or your parents.

Kinda like training a dog, you have to be clear on who the pack leader is!

 

[hurleyjd]

Get grandpa involved with the chores. Delegate to him what you want done.

 

[boondocks]

Get grandpa involved with the chores. Delegate to him what you want done.

Stole the words outta my mouth! Send the old folks to do the chores while kids do homework. :banana: (Actually, maybe they can help with a few things sometimes if they are fit/healthy; it'll help them to stay active).

Personally, growing up in my family, homework and studying was priority one. (Mom and grandparents were teachers). We had to do that first (and it served us well).

Chores should be next priority as soon as homework's done.
Sounds like grandparents want some kid time, so have one day a week (maybe Fridays?) where they get to pick them up and hang out.
Another thought is to have the kids stay at school, say, two days a week and get their studies done there while wife finishes up. I spent a lot of time in my mom's classroom and always enjoyed it.
When my mother thought we were being too hard on our son, we pointed out that we were strict like she was, and had high expectations, which we appreciated as kids and were passing on. That shut her up, and was true. Softened the sting for her to see we were emulating her.
I think you have some good options to gently re-set expectations and put the kibosh on the 5 days a week couch potato business.

 

[cowgirl8]

Raising my kids was the most important thing that i've done in my life. I valued the early childhood i had when i had a stay at home mom, which was destroyed by divorce later on. So, when we decided to have kids i was going to give my kids the life i remembered in my early years. I did not care what it took, it was going to happen.
Being a teacher is the next best thing to being a stay at home mom once the kids are in school, you'll just have to figure something out to keep them at school with your wife. Pick your battle, and a battle with your parents isnt going to be winnable. They're like a barn sour horse, you can fight and fight with one, but if you ride the same path home, you'll lose that fight....but let that horse never know he's headed for the barn by changing your path, you've won.....

 

[HDRider]

Grandparents tend to treat grandchildren in retrospect of how they treated their own children. Perhaps they now feel they worked you too hard when you were a kid and don't want you to work your younguns the same way your parents did you?

I really do think this is the root of it.

Talk to your pastor one on one about it. Pray on it. Maybe the pastor can facilitate a mediation of sorts with the four of you so peace is maintained.

First, consider how lucky you are to have your parents in your kids lives. Not all of us were that lucky and it leaves a hole.

Maybe allow it one or two days a week, but ask them to respect and honor your role as the Father.

Let us know how it works out.

 

[Bigfoot]

Some great advice. It started as one day a week, and it grew from there.

 

[cow pollinater]

You could pick up and move halfway across the country. It sure made my parents easier to get along with...
I'd focus on getting rid of the tv part. Maybe set clear rules with just the kids about what they can and can't watch and make it so boring they don't want any part of it and before long they'll be itching to go do chores out of shear boredom. Plus you can do that without stomping on your mom's toes to hard.

 

[M-5]

seems to me your just looking for something to complain about because you don't have full control of the situation. There are millions of kids in this country that wish they had grandparents that cared for them and wanted to spend time with them. IIRC your kids are approaching their teenage yrs and will soon be driving and then your situation will change and you will have to listen to grandparents complain about them never coming to see them. I could see your problem if you just said "they did a terrible job of raising me" and you don't want that repeated. Just go with the flow and give them a list of what to do. If the list doesn't get done take it up with GP and ask why.

 

[TennesseeTuxedo]

I saw my grandparents at most 3 times a year from age 11 on. My dad had moved us to Dallas from North Carolina.

I wish I could have spent more time with them.

Food for thought.

 

[Bigfoot]

seems to me your just looking for something to complain about because you don't have full control of the situation. There are millions of kids in this country that wish they had grandparents that cared for them and wanted to spend time with them. IIRC your kids are approaching their teenage yrs and will soon be driving and then your situation will change and you will have to listen to grandparents complain about them never coming to see them. I could see your problem if you just said "they did a terrible job of raising me" and you don't want that repeated. Just go with the flow and give them a list of what to do. If the list doesn't get done take it up with GP and ask why.

I tried making a list. My mother said her "nerves" weren't good enough to let them do most of the things on the list. That "nerves" thing is a separate ball of wax. Counting heifers, and feeding a few buckets of feed are the type jobs I'd like to see done when I come in. Then, we can do things that do require supervision/help when I get home. We set some corner post yesterday, but no where near got done in the hour of daylight we had to work with.

 

[M-5]

Xanax - or a bottle of wine.