Wild blue yonder.......

[Tommy Ruyle]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**********************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
**********************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm #*@$ bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was #*@$ bored, not #*@$ stupid!"
***********************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
**********************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*********************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
*********************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
*************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
***********************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the he!! are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[msscamp]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

 

[chrisy]

:clap: :clap: :clap: :???: :lol: :lol:

 

[Fly-guy]

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation
Magazine (June 2000?).....

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling
the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot
start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

0. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power
to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of
survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get
to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

 

[Susie David]

A friend of mine tells about the time when he was a student pilot doing his night landings. Seems that his flight instructor asked him how he judged his altitude for his flare. He replied that when he noticed the instructor start to grab the seat and tense up he would bring the nose up and level out.
To this day I have never have flown with him at night.
DMc

 

[Fly-guy]

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... landing is the first!