Sibling troubles

[Lammie]

Been trying to take care of my parents' business since I put then in the nursing home. I have been paying their bills, trying to get them on Medicaid, all that. Still, there are two issues hanging out there that I don't know what to do about.

One of them my parent's car. They have a 2000 Chysler Town and Country mini van. It's in good shape. I got the KBB on it, I have kept it tagged and insured. My sister has it. I let her use it because when all this stuff came up with my parents and they wanted me to handle their financial stuff, I didn't want it to look like I was trying to take all their stuff and keep it for myself. My sister's car broke down and I let her drive the van, "just until". And we all know that was a couple of months ago and she hasn't done anything to fix her car. She also has my dad's gas card. And she's used it. I need to cancel that. I can't believe she'd do that. :roll:

I also have their house to consider. I was going to hang onto it for a while, the first of the year at least, and see how the folks are getting on and then make the decision whether or not to sell. I still can't seem to convince my brother that after the house is sold we aren't going to have any money to divy up because that money will count as an asset and my parents will have to spend it down.

I have worked hard trying to get my parents' finances straightened out. How can I convince my sibs that I am not in this for myself. I will more likely end up losing money over this as I have used my vehicle, my cell phone, my resources and my time.

This is only gonna get worse, isn't it?

 

[Alice]

It'll only get worse if you allow yourself to buy into the grief that your sibs are most likely going to dish out at you...and it's gonna be hard not to buy into it.

Personally, I'd tell my brother and sister they can duke it out over the van, you don't want it or need it and they have x amount of days to decide before you cancel the insurance on it. As far as the house is concerned, Lammie, just keep receipts of bills that have to be paid and are paid. The sibs will probably come back at you with "We don't want to see 'em, we want the money YOU owe us," or such garbage as that. That's when you really have to get hard.

If the taxes and insurance on the house aren't too much, don't sell it if you don't want to. I don't think you have to sell a home anymore to be able to get on medicaid.

Bottom line, it sounds like your sibs can really be contentious...and that sucks.

Alice

 

[kerley]

Lammie, I went through this same thing years ago. I believe the answer to your question is yes. Possibly you can arrange a sibling meeting and address all the facts, feelings and draw the necessary lines. Your in a catch twenty two deal and can not please everyone. Your duty is to your parents. By now you sound like you have been pretty much beaten up. Best wishes and God bless your heart for trying to do whats right. Tom :cboy:

 

[curtis]

Why not let your sibling share some of the responsibility and lighten your load? That way they could see whats really involved.

 

[Lammie]

Why not let your sibling share some of the responsibility and lighten your load? That way they could see whats really involved.

I started giving them stuff to do. My sister is not a reliable person, even though she is a nurse. I know she wants to help, but I think she has too many personal issues that get in the way. Her husband isn't in the best health and one or the other of them is always sick or in hospital. My brother, well, he isn't the problem so much as his wife. I think she is the one looking to get something out of this, and I can't make her understand that we cant just sell their stuff and take the money. First of all, it isn't legal, second, it isn't their money, or mine, either, for that matter. I am forty miles from that house and I know that it has pretty much been picked clean by now. I guess I need to get over there this weekend.

As a matter of fact, my brother wanted to discuss something with me today after I got off work, and I am afraid to think of what it might be. Something about taking care of the house. I sure aint gonna start paying him to go and mow his parent's lawn. I'll pay someone else to do it before I do that.

Our parents don't have a lot, but this is exactly the sort of situation that makes people stop talking to each other.

Alice, I have bank statements to show where the money goes. I am not using it for my own gain.

They think this is the end. This can go on for years. It's just the beginning.

 

[kerley]

Lammie, have you considered renting the house and use the income to cover some of the expenses incurred until this is settled. Just a thought, Good luck, Tom :cboy:

 

[bigbull338]

you talked about selling your parents house after the 1st of the year.so hate to even ask this but is the house still in your parents name.if so the state will be the 1 to get the money to pay for their care.unless they deeded it over to you an your bro an sis.an they kept a life estate.

 

[1982vett]

Trouble is it is only going to get worse. You are going to get to do all the work and get all the criticism. Learn to deal/live with it. Sounds like you are keeping good records, keep it up.

I know you probably don't want to "make waves" but you could get your sisters attention if you tell her you reported the gas card as lost or stolen.

The worst thing you can do for a house is leave it unlived in for a long period of time. The constant change of hot, cold, damp, dry air reaks havoc on the interior of a home but renters can destroy one just as fast.

This is a part of life that sucks and someone gets stuck doing it. I hope it is not going to turn out to be true, but the only appreciation you will probably get is from yourself for the satisfaction of knowing that you took care of your parents in their final days as best you could. As they say, keep a stiff upper lip and don't back down.

 

[Lammie]

you talked about selling your parents house after the 1st of the year.so hate to even ask this but is the house still in your parents name.if so the state will be the 1 to get the money to pay for their care.unless they deeded it over to you an your bro an sis.an they kept a life estate.

No it still is in their names. If they had gifted it to me, then I would have been trying to get it into better shape to sell it on the open market. But since they have to spend it down, I am just gonna sell it to the ugly house people. It's been paid off for a long time now. It is hard to make my SIL understand that. She thinks that Dad can still gift the house and you can't do that. He would have had to do that three years ago at least. I tried to get them to, but they would not. I didnt even care who got it. I don't want the house. I want some peace. I think my SIL wants to live there and I ain't letting her move into that house. She'd destroy it faster than renters would.

Vette, I know that leaving a house vacant is bad for it. But having owned a rent house, I will never attempt to do that again . I had good renters and then I had two bad ones in a row that just destroyed the place. I was so tired of laying awake at night thinking about it that I put a sign in the yard and the place sold that day for cash. As is, complete with the garbage they left inside.

As far as that goes, my FIL would buy the house and refurb it. He does that kind of thing and gets materials for next to nothing. He tore down a house, used that stuff to build another house and sold that house for, like, in the nineties. And it was a little bitty house on a little bitty lot. I don't think I want to do that though, cause I know it would irritate my sibs no end.

Then again...

 

[1982vett]

As far as that goes, my FIL would buy the house and refurb it. He does that kind of thing and gets materials for next to nothing. He tore down a house, used that stuff to build another house and sold that house for, like, in the nineties. And it was a little bitty house on a little bitty lot. I don't think I want to do that though, cause I know it would irritate my sibs no end.

Then again...

Sounds like a good plan to me. :)

 

[bigbull338]

well from what you tell me unless the rules have changed.when you sale the house the state can come in an take the money to pay for your parents care in the nursing home.

 

[Red Bull Breeder]

It tough row to hoe, Lammie. I have elderly parents and it is stressfull to say the least. Dads health is really bad and nobody dose anything to suit him. Moms health is still pretty good, can't anybody but my sister get along with her. Sister lives in KC. Just do what you got to do and don't worry about the rest. Good Luck.

 

[Brute 23]

Get a lawyer and let them handle as much a possible. It will cost some money but may prevent some hard feeling.

 

[fourstates]

You need an attorney. What do your parents want? Do they have dementia and can't make any decisions? Big bull is right, the state will put a lien on your parents estate, to recoup any expenses, and so will the nursing home. This is really a really tough situation, and an attorney that specializes in estate planning and wills should be able to help you out. Good luck.

 

[I luv herfrds]

Lammie I really feel for you. It is a really tough situation that you are now in and there is not much you can do, but keep doing what you have been.

Cancel the gas card and notify them to not re-issue a new one under that name. Tell your sister that if she wants to continue to drive the van, then she must purchase it from your parents. If she doesn't, then tell her you are removing the insurance. If nessecary reprosses the car. Sell them both and put the money into your parents account.
Do as you already plan about the house.

It will get worse I am sorry to say. It is that famous "mine, mine, mine." attitude
Be proud of yourself that you are the one with the backbone who is doing the right thing.

An attorney that knows estate planning was a great suggestion from Brute 23.

 

[Lammie]

I went to see an attorney right off the bat and got some information regarding Medicaid. They qualify even with the house, and after they get on Medicaid I will have six months to decide what to do with it. As long as I can say that one of them has a reasonable expectation of returning home, which they don't, then I can keep the house. But you are right, after the sale, the proceeds become an asset and will have to be liquidated. It is called an estate recovery program. I don't want the house as nothing could compel me to return to Granbury. That's a messed up town as far as I am concerned. The house is paid for.

As for the van, I am just going to have to tell my sister that I need to sell it and go and get it. I should have known this would happen. You just want to assume the best about your siblings. Ha. My SIL wrecked two of Dad's vehicles while "borrowing" them. I thought it was better that my sister had it so it was out of Mom and Dad's driveway. But my sister should have resolved her car issues by now. Nothing's temporary, is it?

I just hate it that I have to be the bad guy. I am the farthest person from their town, the person who least wants anything they have, and I am in charge of it all. When something goes wrong, my sibs are the first person to say, "You have Power of Attorney, you handle it." But when it comes to their stuff, my sibs all want to be first in line to get it. They could at least wait till they are both gone before the fight begins. And I don't think my sister has seen my parents in a month. She lives 15 minutes from the nursing home.

 

[grannysoo]

Yes, it's going to get worse.

Sell everything and split the money. Then you're finished with it.

 

[Lammie]

Yes, it's going to get worse.

Sell everything and split the money. Then you're finished with it.

I don't want to sell the house until I am compelled to do so. Preferably not while my parents are still alive. I know, though, that I will have to sell at some point, it just can't sit vacant.

 

[hurleyjd]

First do you have their power of attorney. If so then you are in control. As far as assets the house will be taken at the end of their death to pay the expenses that the rest of us are out through taxes to take care of your parents who will be on medicaid. So you might as well sell it and use the proceeds to take care of your parents. The only way to get help through medicaid is spend down to a magic sum. So my advice get rid of the house because you will only be putting money in it that you will never get back. Even a life time estate has value according to the state. Your parents can have an account with a certian amount in it to take care of burial expenses. I do not know that amount. You might as well transfer the title of the 2000 van to your sister. It is not worth much. About all you can do is to keep their bills paid and look after their personel needs. The transfering of the house to you and the sibling is a moot point at this time. You might as well sell it and use the money to take care of them as long as you can. The house will be taken at the time of their death. Thank the consertive group of elected representives that have had control the last 28 or so years for your dilema.

 

[Lammie]

I do have Power of Attorney. I am aware that they can only have assets of 3000.00 between them in order to qualify or Medicaid. I am in the process of applying, and have turned it over to an attorney. It was forty pages long by the time I finished. I will have to sell the house eventually, but I am waiting to be told. If I gave that van to my sister, my brother and his wife would have a fit, so I need to sell it and just put the money toward their care. I have worked with Medicaid recipeints for a long time. It is different when you are on the applying end of the process.

I know that as POA I have the ball in myt court. I just have to try and keep peace in the family. As ofr medicaid, I hate having to get them on it, but there are just such a range of services that Medicare does not provide, like in- home nursing and skilled care. Unless you are very rich, or have children who can care for you, you really have no choice but to go on Medicaid if you didn't take care to preserve your assets early on.

If my parents had gifted their assets to one of us at least three years ago, then all of this would be moot. I tried but they didn't want to.

Believe me, I am going to preserve my assets when I get older. I have learned a painful lesson from this experience.