farm princess
Well-known member
How to Poop at Work
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
> kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
> down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
> the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
> work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
> work.
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the
> office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
> a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when
> you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
> Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
> pants.
>
> *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
> bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
> FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
> constantly going into the bathroom.
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a
> poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
> of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
> it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are
> standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
> hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
> involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
> uneasy.
>
> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
> a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
> stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
> the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
> poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the
> poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
> being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
> door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
> very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
> with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
> exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
> Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
> Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
> their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
> Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.FN)* A group of co-workers who
> band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
> incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
> Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
> where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
> predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of
> a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
> the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
> most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
> a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
> Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
> eye contact.
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into
> the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
> cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
> Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
> potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
> will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a
> SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
> can poop in peace.
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If y ou
> feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion See
> CAMO-COUGH.
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
> loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
> Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
> mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult
> to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
> poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
> the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
> Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
> straining so hard.
>
> Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
>
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
> poop.
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third
> flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it?
> This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
> a** before it falls into the water.
>
> The Crippler = The kind o f poop where you have to sit on the
> toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
> when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when
> you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts
> to rise.
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
>
> QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
>
>
;-)
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
> kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
> down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
> the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
> work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
> work.
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the
> office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
> a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when
> you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
> Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
> pants.
>
> *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
> bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
> FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
> constantly going into the bathroom.
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a
> poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
> of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
> it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are
> standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
> hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
> involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
> uneasy.
>
> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
> a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
> stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
> the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
> poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the
> poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
> being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
> door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
> very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
> with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
> exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
> Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
> Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
> their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
> Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.FN)* A group of co-workers who
> band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
> incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
> Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
> where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
> predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of
> a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
> the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
> most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
> a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
> Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
> eye contact.
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into
> the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
> cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
> Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
> potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
> will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a
> SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
> can poop in peace.
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If y ou
> feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion See
> CAMO-COUGH.
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
> loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
> Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
> mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult
> to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
> poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
> the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
> Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
> straining so hard.
>
> Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
>
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
> poop.
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third
> flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it?
> This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
> a** before it falls into the water.
>
> The Crippler = The kind o f poop where you have to sit on the
> toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
> when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when
> you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts
> to rise.
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
>
> QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
>
>
;-)
