Wilson_Cattle_Company
Well-known member
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2005
- Messages
- 504
- City & State/Province
- Manchester, Oklahoma, In a Saddle, ridin' rodeos,
LOL~~
I get jokes E-mailed to me all the time from friends.... I just thought I might share some! :mrgreen: The last one is my favorite!!! :cboy:
ENJOY HOPE U LIKE M! ;-)
Subject: Texas Humor, Humor
> The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
>paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
>help.
>
> He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from
>University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,
>minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
>
> "Everything but my earrings."
>
> (You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)
>
> ========================================================
>
> A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in
>twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
>staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.
>
> "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
>
> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
>back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
>
> "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
>they inquired.
>
> "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is
>going to steal Henry!"
>
> ========================================================
>
> The young Texan came running into the store and said to his
>buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
>
> Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
>
> The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the
>license number."
>
> ========================================================
>
> NEWS FLASH! -
>
> Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna
>150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station
>cemetery earlier today.
>
> Searc h and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
>and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
>
> The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
>recovery efforts.
>
> ========================================================
>
> A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.
>
> The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
>
> The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
>
> ========================================================
>
> A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
>and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
>behind it.
>
> Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
>curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
>problem was.
>
> The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
>
> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
>
> The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to
>put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
>either.
>
> =======================================================
>
> A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer
>
> "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
>look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "
>
> He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
>obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over
>to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
>"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
>
> (Church was pretty much over at that point.)
>
> =======================================================
>
> The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely
> exhausted.
> "What happened, Honey?" asked his wife.
> "It's a great new idea I have," he gasped. "I ran all the way home behind
> the
> bus and saved 50 cents." "That wasn't to smart," replied his wife.
> "Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?"
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
> Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam; you'll have to use the fitting
> room like everyone else.
>
>
> Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
> Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?
> Patient: Ever since I was a kid.
>
>
> Patient: Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.
> Doctor: Don't worry--just lie on the edge of the bed and soon
> you'll drop off.
>
>
> Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free.
> Dealer: Yes, sir. The car's rust-free. We didn't charge for it.
>
>
> Sally: Did you see the guards change when you were in London?
> Lulu: No, they always pulled the blinds down.
>
>
> Brunette: Why are you jumping up and down?
> Blonde: I just took some medicine and I forgot to shake the
> bottle first.
>
>
> A guide was showing Niagara Falls to a man from Texas.
> Guide: I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
> Texan: Nope, but in Texas we have a plumber who can fix it.
>
>
> Policeman: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
> Motorist: Well, the sign says FINE FOR PARKING.
>
>
> Old man (to his wife): What on earth are you doing?
> Wife: Knitting up some barbed wire.
> Old man: How can you do that?
> Wife: Easy! I'm using steel wool.
>
>
> There are only 2 things a child will share willingly:
> communicable diseases and his or her mother's age
> To > > ODD SMELL
> > A blonde lady took her car to her mechanic.
> > She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a
>
> > while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my
> own"
> > This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
> and
> > see what the problem is".
> > Off they went.
> > She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH,
> > swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed
>
> > three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and
> > just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
> > They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that
> > terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
> > Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".
Subject: Old man on a Moped!
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops
for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
I get jokes E-mailed to me all the time from friends.... I just thought I might share some! :mrgreen: The last one is my favorite!!! :cboy:
ENJOY HOPE U LIKE M! ;-)
Subject: Texas Humor, Humor
> The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
>paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
>help.
>
> He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from
>University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,
>minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
>
> "Everything but my earrings."
>
> (You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)
>
> ========================================================
>
> A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in
>twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
>staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.
>
> "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
>
> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
>back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
>
> "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
>they inquired.
>
> "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is
>going to steal Henry!"
>
> ========================================================
>
> The young Texan came running into the store and said to his
>buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
>
> Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
>
> The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the
>license number."
>
> ========================================================
>
> NEWS FLASH! -
>
> Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna
>150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station
>cemetery earlier today.
>
> Searc h and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
>and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
>
> The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
>recovery efforts.
>
> ========================================================
>
> A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.
>
> The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
>
> The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"
>
> ========================================================
>
> A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
>and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
>behind it.
>
> Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
>curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
>problem was.
>
> The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
>
> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
>
> The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to
>put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
>either.
>
> =======================================================
>
> A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer
>
> "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
>look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "
>
> He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
>obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over
>to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
>"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
>
> (Church was pretty much over at that point.)
>
> =======================================================
>
> The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely
> exhausted.
> "What happened, Honey?" asked his wife.
> "It's a great new idea I have," he gasped. "I ran all the way home behind
> the
> bus and saved 50 cents." "That wasn't to smart," replied his wife.
> "Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?"
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
> Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam; you'll have to use the fitting
> room like everyone else.
>
>
> Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
> Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?
> Patient: Ever since I was a kid.
>
>
> Patient: Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.
> Doctor: Don't worry--just lie on the edge of the bed and soon
> you'll drop off.
>
>
> Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free.
> Dealer: Yes, sir. The car's rust-free. We didn't charge for it.
>
>
> Sally: Did you see the guards change when you were in London?
> Lulu: No, they always pulled the blinds down.
>
>
> Brunette: Why are you jumping up and down?
> Blonde: I just took some medicine and I forgot to shake the
> bottle first.
>
>
> A guide was showing Niagara Falls to a man from Texas.
> Guide: I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
> Texan: Nope, but in Texas we have a plumber who can fix it.
>
>
> Policeman: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
> Motorist: Well, the sign says FINE FOR PARKING.
>
>
> Old man (to his wife): What on earth are you doing?
> Wife: Knitting up some barbed wire.
> Old man: How can you do that?
> Wife: Easy! I'm using steel wool.
>
>
> There are only 2 things a child will share willingly:
> communicable diseases and his or her mother's age
> To > > ODD SMELL
> > A blonde lady took her car to her mechanic.
> > She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a
>
> > while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my
> own"
> > This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
> and
> > see what the problem is".
> > Off they went.
> > She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH,
> > swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed
>
> > three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and
> > just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
> > They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that
> > terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
> > Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".
Subject: Old man on a Moped!
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops
for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
