In perhaps the greatest affront to American culture ever perpetrated by a foreign entity, the Switzerland-based World Health Organization has released a preposterous report claiming that bacon and other processed meats cause cancer.
According to a WHO press release: "Processed meat was classified as carcinogenic to humans … based on sufficient evidence in humans that the consumption of processed meat causes colorectal cancer."
The study found that each 50-gram portion (you know a study is stupid when it uses the metric system) of processed meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal cancer by 18 percent.
The release quoted Kurt Straif, head of the International Agency for Research on Cancer Monographs Programmes: "For an individual the risk of developing colorectal cancer because of their consumption of processed meat remains small, but the risk increases with the amount of meat consumed."
That's a big deal because, as Americans, we enjoy increasing the amount of meat we consume. Especially when said meat has been deliciously processed into strip or tube form.
The study was conducted by a 22-member panel of experts/killjoys from 10 different countries (probably all jealous of America's Spambundance of processed meats) who reviewed hundreds of research reports that found links between processed meat or red meat and various types of cancer.
On behalf of all Americans, allow me to say this: "Shut up, World Health Organization. Shut your stupid, baconless mouth."
Or, as Shalene McNeill, executive director of human nutrition at the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, told the Washington Post: "We simply don't think the evidence supports any causal link between any red meat and any type of cancer."
There you have it — case closed.
Who are you going to trust when it comes to deciding what kind of succulent meat to put next to your cheese-covered eggs or into your soon-to-be-piled-high sandwich? A bunch of international science nerds in the pocket of Big Kale or a true-blue American who works closely with actual, patriotic meat?
Logically, you trust the meat people.
In this case, however, I don't think a strongly worded "Cram it!" is sufficient. America needs to respond swiftly and forcefully to this threat to our way of life/death.
That's why I'm calling on President Barack Obama to invade the World Health Organization and stop this sausage slander in its tracks.
Without a crushing response, Americans will have to endure hate speech like this tweet from the WHO's Twitter account: "Processed meat refers to meat that has been salted, cured, fermented, smoked, other processes to enhance flavour or improve preservation."
WHO THE HELL SPELLS "FLAVOR" WITH A "U"?!?!
My concern, of course, is that Obama is notoriously soft on meat terrorism. So I sent a tweet to the two leading presidential candidates in each party — Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump and Ben Carson — asking: "As president, will you swear to destroy the WHO for #CrimesAgainstBacon?"
We cannot sit back and let the foreign WHO take our meat. Next thing you know they'll have us eating those gross green things that grow in the ground. Vargtorbles? Vladchibulls? Something communist-sounding like that.
Stay strong, fellow Americans. Those Swiss bastards can have our Slim Jims and defibrillators when they pry them from our cold, dead hands