I hope you all have as much fun reading this as I did typing it. Whew!
Text by Thomas Noel Turner
"Twas the night afore Christmas
'Twixt ridgeback and holler,
No critter was twitchin'
Nary hawg dast to waller.
Each keerful darn't stockin'
War' nail't near the chimbley,
A hopin' that Sainty'd
Be a extry bit friendly.
The youngun's was snuggle't
Grub deep in the tickin'
Dream conjurin' up or'nges
And strip't candy lickin'.
Ole Maw in her night dress
And me in my longjohns,
Wuz a snorin' es happy
Es frogs in thuh lake ponds.
When up in the piney woods
Come a scair't paint'er screechin',
Ain't heered sich a ruckus
Since camp meetin' preachin'.
Wuz that wu'thless houn', Blue,
With a growl full of shiver,
Tried tuh crawl 'neath thuh bedstid,
I th'owed off thuh kivver.
I grabb't fer my rifle gun,
'Most farred hit off too,
Then tremblin' in sock feet
Near tripp't on ole Blue.
Aire plank door creaked dreadful
Jist op'nin a mite,
So's I knowed flat out sartin
Ha'nts walked th'ew thuh night.
They's a bright punkin' moon
Tuh bring moonshiners sorrah,
Made it middle day brightness
Like thuh woods wuz a-far.
Kindly dreamy, way Yonder,
Pure floatin' up aire,
Come a ole timey wagon
And eight smokey bear.
With a sawed off old peddler
As quick as a bainty,
Hit whomped like a mule kick,
Thet had to be Sainty.
To beat hummin' birds' wings
Thet bear passel came,
Whilst he growled, "Gee!" then "Haw!"
Es he hollered the'r names.
"On, Big Feet! On, Orn'ry!
"Molasses an' Rumbler!
"Up Yowler! Up Growler!
"On Gumption an' Grumbler!"
"Git over thet hinhouse!
"Light out to the shed!
"Now climb, you ole honey bears!
"Jist mind what I said!"
Es biddies frum serpants
Ur Maw's strip't cat,
Fluster which way to go,
Firstly this'n, then that.
So's up to the tin roof
Them spry varmints clumb,
With a good few of purties
And ole Sainty, by gum.
And d'recly I heered
Sich a turrible trompin',
Like'n hail big as biscuit bread,
Or store teeth a chompin'.
Though I near met myself,
Tarn'ed quick es a toad,
Sainty skinned down that chimbley
'Fore I ever knowed.
He wuz snortin' and fussin',
Stompin' snow frum his feet,
Breshin' off such leavin's
Whut stuck to his seat.
He's a mouth made fer smiles
Twicet too big fer elf-size,
A red jelly bean nose
An' shoe button eyes.
His britches and coat,
Wuz pure worryation,
Of quiltin' piece patches
Tuh beat all creation.
He wore 'spenders and belt
Like a man wif' a callin',
Tuh persactly be sartain
His paints wasn't fallin'.
You could tell he liked vittles
Like stack cake and spoon bread,
An' aw'ays tuk seconts
When seconts wuz fed.
He's gradpappy whiskers,
But his twinkledy eyes
Made him look like a youngun
Whose smile never lies.
He looked plumb full of happy,
Bof' cheeks puff't out wide,
Like a chaw of terbacky
Wuz helt in each side.
A burn't black old corn cob
He "peared 'bout to swaller,
Ever which way he goed
Thuh smoke seem't tuh foller.
He's shouldered a tote
Stuffed to make your eyes shine,
Made him out sum old trapper
A-tendin' his line.
He squinched up one eye,
Give a "How d'ye do" grin,
Not a orphin nur widder
Coulda been ascairt then.
He wuz more do than talk,
To his chores bent his back,
Stuffed them stockin's right quick
An' then heffed that there sack.
Then a paintin' me hush
"Til my "Set a spell" friz,
With a meetin' house nod
Out the chimbley he riz.
To his wagon he scrambled
Real squirrely an' spritely,
Whupped them ole bears
Kinda soft and perlitely.
They lit out a bellerin'
Like scairt scalded pups,
Ole Sainty, red wagon,
An's smokey bear cubs.
But I giv him a holler
Afore he got clear,
"Merry Christmas, ole boy,
"Ya'll come back, yuh hear!"
Text by Thomas Noel Turner
"Twas the night afore Christmas
'Twixt ridgeback and holler,
No critter was twitchin'
Nary hawg dast to waller.
Each keerful darn't stockin'
War' nail't near the chimbley,
A hopin' that Sainty'd
Be a extry bit friendly.
The youngun's was snuggle't
Grub deep in the tickin'
Dream conjurin' up or'nges
And strip't candy lickin'.
Ole Maw in her night dress
And me in my longjohns,
Wuz a snorin' es happy
Es frogs in thuh lake ponds.
When up in the piney woods
Come a scair't paint'er screechin',
Ain't heered sich a ruckus
Since camp meetin' preachin'.
Wuz that wu'thless houn', Blue,
With a growl full of shiver,
Tried tuh crawl 'neath thuh bedstid,
I th'owed off thuh kivver.
I grabb't fer my rifle gun,
'Most farred hit off too,
Then tremblin' in sock feet
Near tripp't on ole Blue.
Aire plank door creaked dreadful
Jist op'nin a mite,
So's I knowed flat out sartin
Ha'nts walked th'ew thuh night.
They's a bright punkin' moon
Tuh bring moonshiners sorrah,
Made it middle day brightness
Like thuh woods wuz a-far.
Kindly dreamy, way Yonder,
Pure floatin' up aire,
Come a ole timey wagon
And eight smokey bear.
With a sawed off old peddler
As quick as a bainty,
Hit whomped like a mule kick,
Thet had to be Sainty.
To beat hummin' birds' wings
Thet bear passel came,
Whilst he growled, "Gee!" then "Haw!"
Es he hollered the'r names.
"On, Big Feet! On, Orn'ry!
"Molasses an' Rumbler!
"Up Yowler! Up Growler!
"On Gumption an' Grumbler!"
"Git over thet hinhouse!
"Light out to the shed!
"Now climb, you ole honey bears!
"Jist mind what I said!"
Es biddies frum serpants
Ur Maw's strip't cat,
Fluster which way to go,
Firstly this'n, then that.
So's up to the tin roof
Them spry varmints clumb,
With a good few of purties
And ole Sainty, by gum.
And d'recly I heered
Sich a turrible trompin',
Like'n hail big as biscuit bread,
Or store teeth a chompin'.
Though I near met myself,
Tarn'ed quick es a toad,
Sainty skinned down that chimbley
'Fore I ever knowed.
He wuz snortin' and fussin',
Stompin' snow frum his feet,
Breshin' off such leavin's
Whut stuck to his seat.
He's a mouth made fer smiles
Twicet too big fer elf-size,
A red jelly bean nose
An' shoe button eyes.
His britches and coat,
Wuz pure worryation,
Of quiltin' piece patches
Tuh beat all creation.
He wore 'spenders and belt
Like a man wif' a callin',
Tuh persactly be sartain
His paints wasn't fallin'.
You could tell he liked vittles
Like stack cake and spoon bread,
An' aw'ays tuk seconts
When seconts wuz fed.
He's gradpappy whiskers,
But his twinkledy eyes
Made him look like a youngun
Whose smile never lies.
He looked plumb full of happy,
Bof' cheeks puff't out wide,
Like a chaw of terbacky
Wuz helt in each side.
A burn't black old corn cob
He "peared 'bout to swaller,
Ever which way he goed
Thuh smoke seem't tuh foller.
He's shouldered a tote
Stuffed to make your eyes shine,
Made him out sum old trapper
A-tendin' his line.
He squinched up one eye,
Give a "How d'ye do" grin,
Not a orphin nur widder
Coulda been ascairt then.
He wuz more do than talk,
To his chores bent his back,
Stuffed them stockin's right quick
An' then heffed that there sack.
Then a paintin' me hush
"Til my "Set a spell" friz,
With a meetin' house nod
Out the chimbley he riz.
To his wagon he scrambled
Real squirrely an' spritely,
Whupped them ole bears
Kinda soft and perlitely.
They lit out a bellerin'
Like scairt scalded pups,
Ole Sainty, red wagon,
An's smokey bear cubs.
But I giv him a holler
Afore he got clear,
"Merry Christmas, ole boy,
"Ya'll come back, yuh hear!"
Just think, Crowder and Warpaint talk like that all the time. :shock:
