God Bless Texas ........

[Sir Loin]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks

that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is

certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He

decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's
expense.


The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'



'What for?' says the lawyer...



The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'



Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'



'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and

registration, please.'



The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'



'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License
and
registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..



Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop,
I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If
not,
you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'



'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.



At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap

out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'





God Bless Texas ........

 

[Sir Loin]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But now our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that s-o-b before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 

[Sir Loin]

How Are A Texas Tornado And An Arkansas
Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Colt 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's azz?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's azz."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Sir Loin]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very care fully,' the divorce court
judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears an d asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.......................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in
the name of good GOD are you doing?'**
**I told him I was a light bulb.** **
**He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And
where do you think you're going?!'* *

*
**She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark**.**'*

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"



I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

Read to the end.......


This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
When U Black U Black:
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You "white" folks......
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin'
COLORED folks?