DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment .My neighbor tells me
not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the
wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think
was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are
too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5
hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another
14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling.
Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's
too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed
up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front
of the house this morning. What is she...nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down
the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of
the !=3D@x@!x!x1 <mailto:!=3D@x@!x!x1> slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I
ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really
getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed
in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is
suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his
head. The wife went home to her mother . 9"
predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little
white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment .My neighbor tells me
not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the
wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think
was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are
too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5
hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another
14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling.
Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's
too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed
up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front
of the house this morning. What is she...nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down
the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of
the !=3D@x@!x!x1 <mailto:!=3D@x@!x!x1> slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I
ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really
getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed
in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is
suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his
head. The wife went home to her mother . 9"
predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little
white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
