Cattle Rack Rancher
Well-known member
Subject: The Canadian Style of Humour
Westjet is an Airline with its head office situated in Calgary, AB.
Their flight attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Westjet flight there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On another Westjet flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying Westjet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at an Alberta airport
(horse country), a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,
a flight attendant on a Westjet flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
From a Westjet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Westjet
Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Westjet
Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Westjet
Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them
are on this flight!"
---------------------------
Heard on Westjet Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Edmonton. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt!"
----------------------------
Overheard on a Westjet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
----------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Westjet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a Westjet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.
If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal .
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax .. OH, MY GOD!" ...
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Westjet is an Airline with its head office situated in Calgary, AB.
Their flight attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Westjet flight there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On another Westjet flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying Westjet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at an Alberta airport
(horse country), a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,
a flight attendant on a Westjet flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
From a Westjet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Westjet
Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Westjet
Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Westjet
Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them
are on this flight!"
---------------------------
Heard on Westjet Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Edmonton. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt!"
----------------------------
Overheard on a Westjet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
----------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Westjet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a Westjet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.
If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal .
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax .. OH, MY GOD!" ...
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger yelled: "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
