Daily Joke

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:
Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

…and the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated
cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family
thought he was friggin cool as hell, and he had tons of money in
the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End
 
This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

So, the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, "Well mate, I got washed up overboard one night while we were in a fierce storm. and dern me if a shark didn't go and bite off me leg."

Then the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the hook?" and the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off."

Finally, the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the eye patch?" and the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

"You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?"

"Well, it was the first day with me hook..."
 
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'


The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.


Gibson was satisfied.


Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'


The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?'


'Kick me in the a$$,' said the Marine.


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'


'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$,' insisted the Marine.


So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a$$.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from them, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick your a$$?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a$$holes report that I was the aggressor.....


Semper Fi!
 
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
 
Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad
 
Ear Infection




This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's

office why you are there, and you have to answer

in front of others what's wrong and sometimes

it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's

Receptionist who insists you tell her what

is wrong with you in a room full of other

patients.

I know most of us have experienced

this, and I love the way this old guy

handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded

waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are

you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my pecker',

he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and

said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded

waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong

and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've

caused some embarrassment in this

room full of people. You should have

said there is something wrong with your

ear or something, and discussed the

problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people

questions in a roomful of strangers, if

the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several

minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and

asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,'

he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly

and smiled, knowing he had taken

her advice.. 'And what is wrong with

your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose
 
TexasBred":2vxchei3 said:
Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad
Click to expand...
No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA
 
Nesikep":1hv0bz62 said:
TexasBred":1hv0bz62 said:
Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad
Click to expand...
No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA
Click to expand...


[youtube]https://youtu.be/4KnAzpi4avo[/youtube]
 
Nesikep":1iia4xg1 said:
TexasBred":1iia4xg1 said:
Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad
Click to expand...
No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA
Click to expand...


Ahh he// credit whoever you prefer. I used Mohammed as that's how I received it and in the form of a joke, not a song. How famous it was I have no idea. Sounds pretty corny to me.
 
Adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin & computing skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we've also retained a nanny who's a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"

"Doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."
 
A Mexican, an Arab,

and a Michigan girl are

in the same bar.

When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Michigan girl,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Michigan ,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'
 
Two guys were in court on drug related charges.

The judge asked both to stand before him and each took their place. The judge was reading the police report and said to each "Well, it appears you two are on the line. You each had enough drugs on you to send to prison, but since this is your first offense I am able to give you a second chance."

"I want each of you to spend the next thirty days among the public convincing your drug using friends to not use them, then report back to me on the 15th of next month on how well you did."

The 15th came back around and both guys were sitting in the gallery awaiting the judge. The judge entered and took the bench. "He immediately saw the two guys and ordered them to stand before him.

He asked the first guy how well he did. The guy said, "Well, judge, I'm afraid I didn't do very well. "How so" asked the judge. "Well, your honor, I had watched a commercial that showed a raw egg saying this is your brain before drugs. Then, they showed the egg being fried and said that was your brain while you're on drugs. I figured if it was on TV it must work, but none of my friends bought it and they just laughed at me."

The judge asked the second guy about his results. He said, "Well, sir, I had seen that same commercial and I kind of laughed at it too, but it put a thought in my head. I got a dozen of my drug using friends together and started telling them the evils of drugs. My sister is an artist so I borrowed her easel. First, I drew a small "o" and told them this was their a$$hole before prison. Then I drew a large "O" saying this would be it after prison. I'm glad to report all twelve are now drug free."
 

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