Daily Joke

[D2Cat]

Tom's Scrotum--The Best Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

" We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

 

[CowboyBlue]

A Stetson says to another Stetson: "Stay here. I'll go on ahead."

 

[TexasBred]

FENDER SKIRTS AND SUPPER
I know some of you will not understand this message,
but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday.
'FENDER SKIRTS'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about
'fender skirts' started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from
our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA)
'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'
Since I'd been thinking of cars,
my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person
over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers
that were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?
At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.
But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'
Many today do not even know what a clutch is
or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.
For that matter, the starter was down there too.



Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy
to come home, so you could ride the
'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth
but never anymore - 'store-bought.'
Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term 'worldwide' for granted.
This floors me.



On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once
a magical term in our homes. In the '50s,
everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!
Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting
with hardwood floors. Go figure.




When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase
'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant'
was once considered a little too graphic,
a little too clinical for use in polite company,
so we had all that talk about stork visits and
'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.
I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.
I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,'
but I considered 'movie' an affectation.



Most of these words go back to the '50s,
but here's a pure '60s word I came across
the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!



Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'
That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.'
How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.



I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like 'Dyna Flow' and 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'.
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'



Food for thought.
Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what Castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids
with Castor Oil anymore.



Some words aren't gone, but are definitely
on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'
Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word.
Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.




Someone forwarded this to me.
I thought some of us of a 'certain age'
would remember most of these.

 

[ez14.]

FENDER SKIRTS AND SUPPER
I know some of you will not understand this message,
but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday.
'FENDER SKIRTS'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about
'fender skirts' started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from
our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA)
'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'
Since I'd been thinking of cars,
my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person
over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers
that were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?
At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.
But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'
Many today do not even know what a clutch is
or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.
For that matter, the starter was down there too.



Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy
to come home, so you could ride the
'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth
but never anymore - 'store-bought.'
Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term 'worldwide' for granted.
This floors me.



On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once
a magical term in our homes. In the '50s,
everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!
Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting
with hardwood floors. Go figure.




When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase
'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant'
was once considered a little too graphic,
a little too clinical for use in polite company,
so we had all that talk about stork visits and
'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.
I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.
I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,'
but I considered 'movie' an affectation.



Most of these words go back to the '50s,
but here's a pure '60s word I came across
the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!



Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'
That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.'
How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.



I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like 'Dyna Flow' and 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'.
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'



Food for thought.
Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what Castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids
with Castor Oil anymore.



Some words aren't gone, but are definitely
on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'
Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word.
Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.




Someone forwarded this to me.
I thought some of us of a 'certain age'
would remember most of these.

I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)

 

[TexasBred]

I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)

Here you go buddy....fender skirts.

https://www.bing.com/search?q=picture+o ... lang=en-US

 

[ez14.]

I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)

Here you go buddy....fender skirts.

https://www.bing.com/search?q=picture+o ... lang=en-US

well those arent what i thought they were! i've seen them before but am not very familiar with them at all

 

[TexasBred]

I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)

Here you go buddy....fender skirts.

https://www.bing.com/search?q=picture+o ... lang=en-US

well those arent what i thought they were! i've seen them before but am not very familiar with them at all

You don't see them around much anymore unless someone has an old car or has rebuilt an old car and really dressed it up. Fender skirts, a continental kit, dice hanging from the rear view mirror, greasy long hair whipped back like Elvis and a ready roll hanging out of your mouth......one cool dude.

 

[Dave]

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA).
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The Democratic Senate is considering sweeping legislation that will
>>>>>>> ​ ​
>>>>>>> provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions
>>>>>>> of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
>>>>>>> ​ ​
>>>>>>> necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
>>>>>>> ​ ​
>>>>>>> California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of
>>>>>>> Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the
>>>>>>> Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
>>>>>>> significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning,
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any
>>>>>>> skills or experience that relate to this job?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to
>>>>>>> remember "righty tighty, lefty loosey". "This new law should be real good
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> see a light at the end of the tunnel.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein,
>>>>>>> ​
>>>>>>> Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters & Nancy Pelosi.
>>

 

[ranchersswiss]

LOL I love this thread! It made my day!

 

[M-5]

little Johnny sees his daddy's car going into the woods, he is curious so he follows him.
He sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a passionate moment.
little Johnny can barely contain himself so runs home to tell his mother .
Mommy, Mommy , I was at the play ground and daddy and .......

Mommy tells him to slow down , but she wants to hear the story.

Johnny says " I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane" .
I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss and then he helped take off her shirt , then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, then daddy ..........

mommy cut him off and said "Johnny this is an interesting story you can save the rest of it for supper"
I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it.

at the table mommy asked Johnny to tell his story.

I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane" .
I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss and then he helped take off her shirt , then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, then daddy and aunt Jane did the same thing Mommy and uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the army.

Mommy fainted !!!!!

Moral of the story: Listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[Son of Butch]

A confused local realtor told me he was thrown a very unexpected loop last week.
It seems while showing a home to a lesbian couple, he overheard them discussing tearing out the wall to wall carpeting in the master bedroom in favor of wood.

 

[TexasBred]

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor."Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're ba stards?"

"Yep", said the father, "cheap ones too..."

 

[bbirder]

Old but good!

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

That must've been scary," says the teacher.

"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"

"And before he could say 'F**k!' the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[bbirder]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt's getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.
"I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

 

[TexasBred]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pis sed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bytch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bytch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bytch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bytch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The
sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Shyt! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

12. The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what a Resurrection is?" Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician." The pastor is still laughing

 

[HDRider]

TB and others - I gotta come clean. I steal your jokes, they are good..

 

[TexasBred]

TB and others - I gotta come clean. I steal your jokes, they are good..

HD most of mine are stolen as well. (My confession of the day). :lol: :lol:

 

[HDRider]

I have always pondered about who thinks this stuff up originally.

 

[TexasBred]

There were four seniors taking Microbiology and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Butte and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Montana State University in Bozeman until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

Professor Olesnicki agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day Professor Olesnicki placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page...

On the second page was written...

For 95 points:

Which Tire? _________

 

[bbirder]

Hillary and Her Armani Jacket...
https://ci6.googleusercontent.com/proxy ... desize=600










Image result for hillary and armani suit




I'm not blasting Hillary for giving a speech about "inequality" while wearing a $12,500 Armani jacket.


I'm posting this to congratulate Armani for selling a potato sack with sleeves for $12,500, which, in this case holds almost 200 pounds of fertilizer.