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Stupid is as stupid does.
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<blockquote data-quote="txshowmom" data-source="post: 50345" data-attributes="member: 380"><p>Dear Friends,</p><p>> > > My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on</p><p>> > > this earth will be</p><p>> > > something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and</p><p>> > > watch this!" Well, I have</p><p>> > > outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see</p><p>> > > this true story chronicled</p><p>> > > in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and</p><p>> > > Pawn that tickled my</p><p>> > > fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily</p><p>> > > tickled). I bought</p><p>> > > something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our</p><p>> > > 22nd anniversary and I</p><p>> > > was looking for a little something extra for my</p><p>> > > sweet girl. What I came</p><p>> > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer</p><p>> > > gun with a clip. For</p><p>> > > those of you who are not familiar with this product,</p><p>> > > it is a</p><p>> > > less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs</p><p>> > > designed to incapacitate an</p><p>> > > assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage</p><p>> > > electricity while you</p><p>> > > flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short</p><p>> > > lived, with no</p><p>> > > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but</p><p>> > > allowing you adequate time</p><p>> > > to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into</p><p>> > > your 250 lb. Tattooed</p><p>> > > assailant, push the button, and it will render him a</p><p>> > > slobbering,</p><p>> > > goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,</p><p>> > > pencil-neck geek. If you've never</p><p>> > > seen one of these things in action, then you're</p><p>> > > truly missing out--way too</p><p>> > > cool!</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it</p><p>> > > home. I loaded two</p><p>> > > triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the</p><p>> > > button. Nothing! I was</p><p>> > > so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we</p><p>> > > don't need no stinkin'</p><p>> > > directions), I found much to my chagrin that this</p><p>> > > particular model would not</p><p>> > > create an arch between the prongs. How</p><p>> > > disappointing! I do love fire for</p><p>> > > effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,</p><p>> > > however, and pressed it</p><p>> > > against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch</p><p>> > > of electricity darting</p><p>> > > back and forth between the prongs that I was so</p><p>> > > looking forward to. I did</p><p>> > > so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,</p><p>> > > and a loud pop!!!</p><p>> > > Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your</p><p>> > > information, but I have yet</p><p>> > > to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the</p><p>> > > face of her microwave.</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,</p><p>> > > thinking to myself that it</p><p>> > > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a</p><p>> > > batteries, etc., etc. There</p><p>> > > I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on</p><p>> > > intently (trusting little</p><p>> > > soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not</p><p>> > > Gracie) and thinking</p><p>> > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a</p><p>> > > flesh and blood target. I</p><p>> > > must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a</p><p>> > > fraction of a second and</p><p>> > > thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,</p><p>> > > after all. But, if I was</p><p>> > > going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself</p><p>> > > against a mugger, I did</p><p>> > > want some assurance that it would work as</p><p>> > > advertised. Am I wrong? Was I</p><p>> > > wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the</p><p>> > > time.</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top</p><p>> > > with my reading glasses</p><p>> > > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,</p><p>> > > directions in one hand, Tazer</p><p>> > > in another. The directions said that a one-second</p><p>> > > burst would shock and</p><p>> > > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was</p><p>> > > supposed to cause muscle</p><p>> > > spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second</p><p>> > > burst would purportedly</p><p>> > > make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish</p><p>> > > out of water. All the</p><p>> > > while I'm looking at this little device measuring</p><p>> > > about 5" long,less than</p><p>> > > 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and</p><p>> > > loaded with two itsy,</p><p>> > > bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no</p><p>> > > friggin' way!" Friggin'</p><p>> > > way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but</p><p>> > > I'll do my best.</p><p>> > > Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good</p><p>> > > idea of what followed.</p><p>> > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her</p><p>> > > head cocked to one side</p><p>> > > as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a</p><p>> > > one-second burst from such</p><p>> > > a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad</p><p>> > > (sound, rational thinking</p><p>> > > under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I</p><p>> > > decided to give myself a</p><p>> > > one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You</p><p>> > > know, a bad decision is</p><p>> > > like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so</p><p>> > > obvious that it was a bad</p><p>> > > decision after the fact, even though it seemed so</p><p>> > > right at the time. Don't</p><p>> > > ya hate that?)</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the</p><p>> > > button, and HOLY</p><p>> > > **************!</p><p>> > > DAAAAAMMMMMMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura</p><p>> > > ran in through the</p><p>> > > front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then</p><p>> > > body slammed me on the</p><p>> > > carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking</p><p>> > > up on my side in the</p><p>> > > fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere</p><p>> > > to be found, soaking wet,</p><p>> > > with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest</p><p>> > > position. Gracie was</p><p>> > > standing over me making meowing sounds I had never</p><p>> > > heard before, licking my</p><p>> > > face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,</p><p>> > > do it again!" (Note: If</p><p>> > > you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a</p><p>> > > Tazer, one note of caution.</p><p>> > > There is no such thing as a one-second burst when</p><p>> > > you zap yourself. You're</p><p>> > > not going to let go of that thing until it is</p><p>> > > dislodged from your hand by a</p><p>> > > violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if</p><p>> > > you're lucky, you won't</p><p>> > > dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh</p><p>> > > like yours truly.)</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I</p><p>> > > can't be sure, as time was</p><p>> > > a relative thing at this point), I collected my</p><p>> > > wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed</p><p>> > > the landscape. My reading</p><p>> > > glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did</p><p>> > > they get there??? My</p><p>> > > triceps, right thigh and both titties were still</p><p>> > > twitching. My face felt</p><p>> > > like it had been shot up</p><p>> > > with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give</p><p>> > > or take an ounce or</p><p>> > > two, I'm pretty sure.</p><p>> > ></p><p>> > > By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="txshowmom, post: 50345, member: 380"] Dear Friends, > > > My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on > > > this earth will be > > > something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and > > > watch this!" Well, I have > > > outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see > > > this true story chronicled > > > in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. > > > > > > Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and > > > Pawn that tickled my > > > fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily > > > tickled). I bought > > > something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our > > > 22nd anniversary and I > > > was looking for a little something extra for my > > > sweet girl. What I came > > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer > > > gun with a clip. For > > > those of you who are not familiar with this product, > > > it is a > > > less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs > > > designed to incapacitate an > > > assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage > > > electricity while you > > > flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short > > > lived, with no > > > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but > > > allowing you adequate time > > > to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into > > > your 250 lb. Tattooed > > > assailant, push the button, and it will render him a > > > slobbering, > > > goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, > > > pencil-neck geek. If you've never > > > seen one of these things in action, then you're > > > truly missing out--way too > > > cool! > > > > > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it > > > home. I loaded two > > > triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the > > > button. Nothing! I was > > > so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we > > > don't need no stinkin' > > > directions), I found much to my chagrin that this > > > particular model would not > > > create an arch between the prongs. How > > > disappointing! I do love fire for > > > effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, > > > however, and pressed it > > > against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch > > > of electricity darting > > > back and forth between the prongs that I was so > > > looking forward to. I did > > > so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, > > > and a loud pop!!! > > > Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your > > > information, but I have yet > > > to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the > > > face of her microwave. > > > > > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, > > > thinking to myself that it > > > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a > > > batteries, etc., etc. There > > > I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on > > > intently (trusting little > > > soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not > > > Gracie) and thinking > > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a > > > flesh and blood target. I > > > must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a > > > fraction of a second and > > > thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, > > > after all. But, if I was > > > going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself > > > against a mugger, I did > > > want some assurance that it would work as > > > advertised. Am I wrong? Was I > > > wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the > > > time. > > > > > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top > > > with my reading glasses > > > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, > > > directions in one hand, Tazer > > > in another. The directions said that a one-second > > > burst would shock and > > > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was > > > supposed to cause muscle > > > spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second > > > burst would purportedly > > > make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish > > > out of water. All the > > > while I'm looking at this little device measuring > > > about 5" long,less than > > > 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and > > > loaded with two itsy, > > > bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no > > > friggin' way!" Friggin' > > > way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. > > > > > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but > > > I'll do my best. > > > Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good > > > idea of what followed. > > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her > > > head cocked to one side > > > as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a > > > one-second burst from such > > > a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad > > > (sound, rational thinking > > > under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I > > > decided to give myself a > > > one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You > > > know, a bad decision is > > > like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so > > > obvious that it was a bad > > > decision after the fact, even though it seemed so > > > right at the time. Don't > > > ya hate that?) > > > > > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the > > > button, and HOLY > > > **************! > > > DAAAAAMMMMMMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura > > > ran in through the > > > front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then > > > body slammed me on the > > > carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking > > > up on my side in the > > > fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere > > > to be found, soaking wet, > > > with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest > > > position. Gracie was > > > standing over me making meowing sounds I had never > > > heard before, licking my > > > face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, > > > do it again!" (Note: If > > > you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a > > > Tazer, one note of caution. > > > There is no such thing as a one-second burst when > > > you zap yourself. You're > > > not going to let go of that thing until it is > > > dislodged from your hand by a > > > violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if > > > you're lucky, you won't > > > dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh > > > like yours truly.) > > > > > > SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I > > > can't be sure, as time was > > > a relative thing at this point), I collected my > > > wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed > > > the landscape. My reading > > > glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did > > > they get there??? My > > > triceps, right thigh and both titties were still > > > twitching. My face felt > > > like it had been shot up > > > with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give > > > or take an ounce or > > > two, I'm pretty sure. > > > > > > By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? [/QUOTE]
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