Dear Friends,
> > > My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on
> > > this earth will be
> > > something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and
> > > watch this!" Well, I have
> > > outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see
> > > this true story chronicled
> > > in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
> > >
> > > Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
> > > Pawn that tickled my
> > > fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
> > > tickled). I bought
> > > something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our
> > > 22nd anniversary and I
> > > was looking for a little something extra for my
> > > sweet girl. What I came
> > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
> > > gun with a clip. For
> > > those of you who are not familiar with this product,
> > > it is a
> > > less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> > > designed to incapacitate an
> > > assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
> > > electricity while you
> > > flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
> > > lived, with no
> > > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
> > > allowing you adequate time
> > > to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into
> > > your 250 lb. Tattooed
> > > assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
> > > slobbering,
> > > goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
> > > pencil-neck geek. If you've never
> > > seen one of these things in action, then you're
> > > truly missing out--way too
> > > cool!
> > >
> > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> > > home. I loaded two
> > > triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> > > button. Nothing! I was
> > > so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we
> > > don't need no stinkin'
> > > directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
> > > particular model would not
> > > create an arch between the prongs. How
> > > disappointing! I do love fire for
> > > effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
> > > however, and pressed it
> > > against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch
> > > of electricity darting
> > > back and forth between the prongs that I was so
> > > looking forward to. I did
> > > so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
> > > and a loud pop!!!
> > > Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
> > > information, but I have yet
> > > to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> > > face of her microwave.
> > >
> > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> > > thinking to myself that it
> > > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
> > > batteries, etc., etc. There
> > > I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> > > intently (trusting little
> > > soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
> > > Gracie) and thinking
> > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a
> > > flesh and blood target. I
> > > must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
> > > fraction of a second and
> > > thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
> > > after all. But, if I was
> > > going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
> > > against a mugger, I did
> > > want some assurance that it would work as
> > > advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
> > > wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
> > > time.
> > >
> > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> > > with my reading glasses
> > > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> > > directions in one hand, Tazer
> > > in another. The directions said that a one-second
> > > burst would shock and
> > > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> > > supposed to cause muscle
> > > spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second
> > > burst would purportedly
> > > make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
> > > out of water. All the
> > > while I'm looking at this little device measuring
> > > about 5" long,less than
> > > 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
> > > loaded with two itsy,
> > > bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
> > > friggin' way!" Friggin'
> > > way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
> > >
> > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> > > I'll do my best.
> > > Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good
> > > idea of what followed.
> > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> > > head cocked to one side
> > > as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
> > > one-second burst from such
> > > a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
> > > (sound, rational thinking
> > > under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
> > > decided to give myself a
> > > one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You
> > > know, a bad decision is
> > > like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
> > > obvious that it was a bad
> > > decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> > > right at the time. Don't
> > > ya hate that?)
> > >
> > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> > > button, and HOLY
> > > **************!
> > > DAAAAAMMMMMMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
> > > ran in through the
> > > front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
> > > body slammed me on the
> > > carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
> > > up on my side in the
> > > fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> > > to be found, soaking wet,
> > > with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> > > position. Gracie was
> > > standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> > > heard before, licking my
> > > face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
> > > do it again!" (Note: If
> > > you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
> > > Tazer, one note of caution.
> > > There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
> > > you zap yourself. You're
> > > not going to let go of that thing until it is
> > > dislodged from your hand by a
> > > violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
> > > you're lucky, you won't
> > > dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
> > > like yours truly.)
> > >
> > > SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> > > can't be sure, as time was
> > > a relative thing at this point), I collected my
> > > wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
> > > the landscape. My reading
> > > glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> > > they get there??? My
> > > triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
> > > twitching. My face felt
> > > like it had been shot up
> > > with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give
> > > or take an ounce or
> > > two, I'm pretty sure.
> > >
> > > By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?
> > > My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on
> > > this earth will be
> > > something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and
> > > watch this!" Well, I have
> > > outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see
> > > this true story chronicled
> > > in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
> > >
> > > Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
> > > Pawn that tickled my
> > > fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
> > > tickled). I bought
> > > something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our
> > > 22nd anniversary and I
> > > was looking for a little something extra for my
> > > sweet girl. What I came
> > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
> > > gun with a clip. For
> > > those of you who are not familiar with this product,
> > > it is a
> > > less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> > > designed to incapacitate an
> > > assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
> > > electricity while you
> > > flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
> > > lived, with no
> > > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
> > > allowing you adequate time
> > > to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into
> > > your 250 lb. Tattooed
> > > assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
> > > slobbering,
> > > goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
> > > pencil-neck geek. If you've never
> > > seen one of these things in action, then you're
> > > truly missing out--way too
> > > cool!
> > >
> > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> > > home. I loaded two
> > > triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> > > button. Nothing! I was
> > > so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we
> > > don't need no stinkin'
> > > directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
> > > particular model would not
> > > create an arch between the prongs. How
> > > disappointing! I do love fire for
> > > effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
> > > however, and pressed it
> > > against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch
> > > of electricity darting
> > > back and forth between the prongs that I was so
> > > looking forward to. I did
> > > so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
> > > and a loud pop!!!
> > > Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
> > > information, but I have yet
> > > to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> > > face of her microwave.
> > >
> > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> > > thinking to myself that it
> > > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
> > > batteries, etc., etc. There
> > > I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> > > intently (trusting little
> > > soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
> > > Gracie) and thinking
> > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a
> > > flesh and blood target. I
> > > must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
> > > fraction of a second and
> > > thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
> > > after all. But, if I was
> > > going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
> > > against a mugger, I did
> > > want some assurance that it would work as
> > > advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
> > > wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
> > > time.
> > >
> > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> > > with my reading glasses
> > > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> > > directions in one hand, Tazer
> > > in another. The directions said that a one-second
> > > burst would shock and
> > > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> > > supposed to cause muscle
> > > spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second
> > > burst would purportedly
> > > make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
> > > out of water. All the
> > > while I'm looking at this little device measuring
> > > about 5" long,less than
> > > 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
> > > loaded with two itsy,
> > > bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
> > > friggin' way!" Friggin'
> > > way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
> > >
> > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> > > I'll do my best.
> > > Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good
> > > idea of what followed.
> > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> > > head cocked to one side
> > > as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
> > > one-second burst from such
> > > a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
> > > (sound, rational thinking
> > > under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
> > > decided to give myself a
> > > one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You
> > > know, a bad decision is
> > > like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
> > > obvious that it was a bad
> > > decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> > > right at the time. Don't
> > > ya hate that?)
> > >
> > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> > > button, and HOLY
> > > **************!
> > > DAAAAAMMMMMMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
> > > ran in through the
> > > front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
> > > body slammed me on the
> > > carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
> > > up on my side in the
> > > fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> > > to be found, soaking wet,
> > > with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> > > position. Gracie was
> > > standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> > > heard before, licking my
> > > face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
> > > do it again!" (Note: If
> > > you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
> > > Tazer, one note of caution.
> > > There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
> > > you zap yourself. You're
> > > not going to let go of that thing until it is
> > > dislodged from your hand by a
> > > violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
> > > you're lucky, you won't
> > > dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
> > > like yours truly.)
> > >
> > > SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> > > can't be sure, as time was
> > > a relative thing at this point), I collected my
> > > wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
> > > the landscape. My reading
> > > glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> > > they get there??? My
> > > triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
> > > twitching. My face felt
> > > like it had been shot up
> > > with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give
> > > or take an ounce or
> > > two, I'm pretty sure.
> > >
> > > By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?
