Angus Cattle Shower
Well-known member
COOL THINGS TO DO IN A MALL
1. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
2. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices
are in pesos or rubles.
3. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
4. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
5. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
"give you a really wicked buzz".
6. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I
see France..."
INTERESTING
The university professor challenged his students with this question.
Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied, "Yes He did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
" Yes sir" the student replied.
The professor answered, "if God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite
pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once
more that the Christian faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What
kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to
the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of
heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or
transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit
energy.
Absolute zero (-460øF) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes
inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist.
We created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor
responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can
study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white
light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color.
You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world
of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space
is?
You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness
is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light
present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Does evil exist?" Now
uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We
see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to
man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the
world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just
like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the
absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love
that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens
when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is not heat or the darkness that comes when there is
no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name....Albert Einstein
JOKE OF THE DAY
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
JOKE
A Toronto family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My
wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON A FIRST DATE
1. "No salad for me, but I'll have a couple of those mega-burritos."
2. "You look so much better in person then you do on the company's hidden
bathroom web-cam."
3. "Okay, here's the plan: After you get into the movie, open the fire
door and bang! We save 8 bucks that we can use later on at Wendy's!"
4. "You think I look good NOW? Honey, I'll look even better when they
finish the surgery!"
5. "Hey, wanna hear your name in Klingon?"
6. "Sorry about the cell phone in the theater, but my wife could go into
labor any minute now."
7. "Don't worry about protection, silly -- I'm *already* pregnant."
8. "Heads up, Hon -- I *always* get lucky when I'm wearing my Hulk
Underoos."
9. "How strange -- you kiss just like your Dad!"
PHRASES TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE
1. Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin
with me to remember her by...
2. I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground miss our
games...
3. I just had a proctological exam...wow, worth every penny!
4. The last time my head rang like this I woke up in a trailer with a dead
man next to me!
5. Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose! I
don't think its from ME!!!
6. I'm so bitter!!! My mother just told me we can't sleep together
anymore.
7. If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll
wake me up.
8. Did I tell you Charlie Manson's my uncle?
1. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
2. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices
are in pesos or rubles.
3. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
4. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
5. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
"give you a really wicked buzz".
6. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I
see France..."
INTERESTING
The university professor challenged his students with this question.
Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied, "Yes He did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
" Yes sir" the student replied.
The professor answered, "if God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite
pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once
more that the Christian faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What
kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to
the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of
heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or
transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit
energy.
Absolute zero (-460øF) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes
inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist.
We created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor
responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can
study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white
light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color.
You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world
of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space
is?
You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness
is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light
present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Does evil exist?" Now
uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We
see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to
man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the
world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just
like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the
absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love
that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens
when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is not heat or the darkness that comes when there is
no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name....Albert Einstein
JOKE OF THE DAY
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
JOKE
A Toronto family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My
wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON A FIRST DATE
1. "No salad for me, but I'll have a couple of those mega-burritos."
2. "You look so much better in person then you do on the company's hidden
bathroom web-cam."
3. "Okay, here's the plan: After you get into the movie, open the fire
door and bang! We save 8 bucks that we can use later on at Wendy's!"
4. "You think I look good NOW? Honey, I'll look even better when they
finish the surgery!"
5. "Hey, wanna hear your name in Klingon?"
6. "Sorry about the cell phone in the theater, but my wife could go into
labor any minute now."
7. "Don't worry about protection, silly -- I'm *already* pregnant."
8. "Heads up, Hon -- I *always* get lucky when I'm wearing my Hulk
Underoos."
9. "How strange -- you kiss just like your Dad!"
PHRASES TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE
1. Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin
with me to remember her by...
2. I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground miss our
games...
3. I just had a proctological exam...wow, worth every penny!
4. The last time my head rang like this I woke up in a trailer with a dead
man next to me!
5. Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose! I
don't think its from ME!!!
6. I'm so bitter!!! My mother just told me we can't sleep together
anymore.
7. If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll
wake me up.
8. Did I tell you Charlie Manson's my uncle?
