proper parenting

[chrisy]

I have seen on another thread how we modern parents are looked at as getting it wrong. Because we buy our children Mobile phones computers and cars. Why is this wrong?. Most families do not have old jalopies now for driving around the roads, I would rather my child have a car you can rely on that is in good mechanical repair and a mobile to keep in touch, have a healthy social life and not mope around at home all the time. I didn't have my children to be my slaves, they help out with a few chores, cleaning their room and ironing, but that's it as I like things the way I do them. We have our evening meal together most nights it is my husbands job that often stops that. We always tell each other how we feel, so arguments are very rare. When they were small we done most things together and they had their clubs for peer interaction, and to stop boredom from setting in, if we lived on a farm perhaps things would have been different, but we live in a City, so them going around in a car is much safer in the days we live in now. As I always thought bringing up a child was to show love and caring, making sure they have good food clothing and schooling. Not to sit in the corner and wait to be spoken to. I had my fair share of smacks and suppose it did me no harm, but have never had to do such a thing with mine, as how can you say hitting someone is wrong while smacking them, double standards. There were times with my Son but he has grown up now and got a good job. So alls well that ends well. No-one gives you a manual when you become a parent, so all you can do is your best, and hope that is good enough, if they stay out of trouble, jail and off of drugs, and become pillars of society what more could you have done. sorry for the rant but felt I needed to get it off of my chest.

 

[backhoeboogie]

No-one gives you a manual when you become a parent, so all you can do is your best, and hope that is good enough, if they stay out of trouble, jail and off of drugs, and become pillars of society what more could you have done. sorry for the rant but felt I needed to get it off of my chest.

Chrisy, She's off drugs now indeed. She's in jail. I am raising her son for now. She gets out in September and if she gets into drugs, I will adopt my grandson.

My wife and I coached over 100 softball and basketball teams. Everyone in the community expressed that we were the perfect parents. When things went south with the daughter, it took a toil on me and the wife and we went into counselling. She came home from college and meth head. We've experienced just about all the bad things you read about.

My grandson is wonderful and at this age, I have much more patience with him. He is 18 months old and we are very close. We have a 14 month old grandaughter too who is just as much a joy.

It is not all bad. All I am saying is that no matter how perfect you think you raise kids and no matter how much time you spend, things are beyond your control.

Redfornow, I appreciate the kind words in the other thread. Chrisy I appreciate your thought and your "ranting" as well. It helps to express it.

There are six grandparents on my floor at work raising their grandchildren. LOL it is a lot like having a support group. Everyone has a different story, but it all has the same equation.

Grandchildren are indeed wonderful. We are hoping to get a window and take ours to the Fort Worth Stock Show some time this weekend or next.

 

[chrisy]

AB you are right you can be, but your still not wrong if you do.

BHB, I am sorry to hear about your youngest daughter, strange how you can have two - three - four children and bring them up the same, in the same house and each turns out different. Our two girls we never had any trouble with the perfect children, the two boys what a difference. One was not his fault he had a nervous break down and was ill for most of his teenage years in and out of hospital but it took its toll. It seemed as soon as he was going somewhere, went off to Uni he got leukemia and died within 6 weeks at only 25 years old. The youngest he got into a wrong crowd and nearly split the family. but we took him away for a family holiday and our eldest daughters wedding in Sri-Lanka and the tsunami hit he was like Jekyll and Hyde the way he change when he saw how precious life was, and how quickly it can be taken away. he is a great son now one to proud of..So lets hope this stint in prison will help your daughter to see the light and she will come out the girl you bought up.

 

[Alice]

AB you are right you can be, but your still not wrong if you do.

No truer words, Chris. I had written some long something or another about this, and it wound up in cyberspace somewhere. What you wrote above...that says it all. "Hindsight blaming" is counter productive...and in most cases has nothing to do with what went wrong...

Alice

 

[Outrigger2]

going to be a father in april, and i'm just a little nervous.

 

[Alice]

going to be a father in april, and i'm just a little nervous.

Congratulations! How exciting! Best Wishes to both you and your wife!

Alice

 

[angie2]

going to be a father in april, and i'm just a little nervous.

Yes, as you can see ~ is not a piece of cake. On the other hand it is the coolest, best thing in the world. You will do fine. Just be patient with your wife when she is in labor and DO NOT make references to how diferent/same it is to cow having calf. This is never as appreciated as you might think. ;-)

I have more to say on other topic, but it is going to have to wait until my people go to bed.

 

[MistyMorning]

Well, I'd like to hear what the fathers say about spoiling there children. Apparently the mothers think it's just fine (my wife included)!

Backhoe - you can only do your best; the rest is up to the child to reach out or not and be there when they do.

I'm under the impression that food spoils. I am not a huge fan of the corporal punishment as a means of keeping a kid in line.(too much of that in my childhood) That being said, there is not a thing wrong in my opinion of making your child work for some of those finer things in life. If they have a vested interest in what is being purchased I feel that they will be more apt to take care of it. The point Chrisy made about listening is a good one. It seems to me that by just listening, not solving their dilemmas, they will usually come to the right decisions. Opportunities on a farm for this are endless. Working in the garden together, fencing, or cleaning out a chicken coop to name a few.

All that being said, instances of Backhoeboogies is just not that uncommon anymore. Have a SIL and BIL going through the same thing. and as A/B points out is be there if they reach out.

Call me in a couple of years, my opinions may be different!

Outrigger, best of luck and congrats!

 

[backhoeboogie]

Congratulaltions outrigger.

There are people serving 90 day sentences in other counties for doing more than what my daughter did. She got caught with $10 worth of meth and bought 16 months. The judge wanted to give her the maximum 24. That is how it is in this county.

Had she received a 90 day sentence. It wouldn't have been long enough for the drugs to be purged from her system. The 16 month sentence is actually a blessing in disguise.

I still have my children and my grandchildren are healthy. There is much to be thankful for. As long as I have them, there is always hope. There are many in the community who have lost children to disease and auto accidents and the like. Hence, I am thankful in many ways. Most of all, I am thankful that we are capable of raising our grandson - mentally, financially and physically.

I can't help but think of the movie "The Butterfly Effect." If I could go back and change things, they could always be worse. I may not have these grandchildren or I may have lost a child to an auto accident etc.

Still, I can't help but feel that I failed. There will always be the second guessing and such.

If you have children, give them a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them.

 

[john250]

I still have my children and my grandchildren are healthy. There is much to be thankful for. As long as I have them, there is always hope. There are many in the community who have lost children to disease and auto accidents and the like. Hence, I am thankful in many ways. Most of all, I am thankful that we are capable of raising our grandson - mentally, financially and physically.

That's a great attitude, on your part. Good luck. :clap:

 

[chrisy]

BHB, you never failed, society that we live in today failed her, meths dealers and those that say come on one wont hurt, well as you know one does hurt. You are doing her a great service as you always have. You are taking care of her baby. well done.

congratulations outrigger, :banana: hope all goes well for you and especially your wife. It's natural to be nervous. good luck.

 

[hillsdown]

BHB you never know what circumstances are going to effect ones life.

I was in love with a drug addict,I didn't know he was using again, and cocaine is a very discreet drug.

He came from a loving family on both sides (parents divorced though) well off athletic and very very bright.Honor role student in high school.He was also engaged to the most caring , loving, intelligent, beautiful girl in the world but it still was not enough.

Sometimes things are beyond your control.Forgive yourself and then you can forgive them.

Maybe one day I will be able to do that also.

Outrigger God has blessed you .May your wife have a fast, healthy delivery and a very healthy, happy baby.

 

[Wewild]

I got a buddy that has had some issue with a daughter and none with his son that I recall. I hated seeing a grown man cry.

He had done the best that he could but it didn't seem to be enough for what ever reason and there are some.

We can blame....
society
or
ourselves
and some may blame
God.

As said earlier on a post some try to figure out what they did wrong. Being human ... I'm sure they will find many things they may think they should have done different. In the end it really don't matter where the fault lies as we can only try to pick up the pieces.

She get's her license back next week. She was lucky she wasn't killed in that wreck where she got her second DUI. She is an unwed mother with a degree and has a job as a teacher now. I hope the world has turned for her.

I hate it for all that have suffered as my close friend has and happy for those that waiting to be proud parents. I feel for us that are nearing the time when we will see how it works out.

Back in the day when it was really bad for him and bad on me for him, he asked me what could he do ... I could only say to pray she didn't do something she couldn't live with. Seems she scrapped by. I hope it's over about that.

 

[Lammie]

I was just talking to a friend about how different siblings can be. I had some pretty chipped in granite rules about my first one, and learned to be a little softer with the second. I am still looking at the blossoming results. We all do what we think is right. Generally, I believe that everyone does the best they can.

 

[Wewild]

Generally, I believe that everyone does the best they can.

Maybe like minded folks that post on here anyway.

Some ain't worth a sh!t in that department.

 

[MistyMorning]

Still, I can't help but feel that I failed. There will always be the second guessing and such.

This statement breaks my heart bhb. Sounds to me you and your wife have done the very best by your children. This story isn't over by a long shot. Sure there will probably be a lot of ups and downs in the future, but the love and support you are giving will likely come back to you twofold.

 

[hillsdown]

I was just talking to a friend about how different siblings can be. I had some pretty chipped in granite rules about my first one, and learned to be a little softer with the second. I am still looking at the blossoming results. We all do what we think is right. Generally, I believe that everyone does the best they can.

Lammie it is the same everywhere.Just because you are surrounded by drug users doesn't mean you have to use.I do not nor does my husband ever but I can throw a rock an a group of people and hit one that does.

Also we were acquaintances to a couple when we first moved here, we heard later that they like to smoke their wacky tobacky and because we were known to socialize my husband and I were though to being the same.

NOT EVER EVER IN THIS FAMILY<<<<<<<<<It took a while before people got the whole picture.But to each their own.

 

[csutton]

I don't think its an issue as to spoiling. How do you define spoiling? I think a lot of it has to do with respect for the parents. Now, I know that I'm not as "experienced in the years" as others here, but I respect my parents and grandparents and any other elders for that matter. I may not say yes ma'am everytime but I do say thank you to someone who holds a door open long enough for me to grab at the gas station. I was raised that you don't back talk or you got your a-- busted; period. I bought my first, second, and third truck on my own. I have HAD to build fence for free, I have had to mow the yard to eat supper, I have worked some kind of job and paid my own way since I was 14. I was not handed much in life and I am thankful for it. I wouldnt be where I am if not. I try not to get razzed up when folks go on rants about kids, but we all were kids.

 

[Calman]

I raised 4 children by myself,2 boys and 2 girls.Im gonna say it is the hardest job in this world but again the most rewarding. Wife left me and children when the youngest was 3yr old.Now youngest is 30yr old. It was a long rough road by myself.I had problems along the way just like any other parent.Thank goodness no drug related problems.I believe this was because they seen the effects of drugs from their mother. Like said there's no rule book out for raising children.All a parent can do is raise them to the best of their ability,point them in the right direction,and hope for the best,because the rest is up to the individual child.
It's only human to start blaming ourselves when anything happens. But if we done what we thought was best what more could we have done?
I don't think making a child working for something he wants is wrong, seems to establish good work etehicts(spl) and teaching them that you don't get something for nothing. But on the other hand I believe in giving a child all he actually needs, and the one main thing is lots of love, and listning.
What seems like a minor problem to you could be a major problem to the child.

And BHB from reading your posts on here,I've come to belive you are a good man and you have raised your children to the best of your knowledge, and you still are doing the right thing.I don't see anything you done or now doing wrong.No need to blame yourself.

I Have remarried since raising my children and was put in the same situation as you. We raised my wifes grandson, also because of both parents on drugs.He is now 22 yr old and getting out of the army in feb. and going to college.
Sorry all this is so long, but what i'm trying to say is if you done your best what more could you have done? And I will add to raise a child in this day and time is a lot harder with all the wrong things available out there.

I'll quit now. Cal

 

[Alice]

Cal,

What you just wrote is the best statement on parenting I think I've ever heard. Thank you!

Alice