An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she
was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Marvelous Innocence!
It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene,
when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.
He immediately turned and went outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon walking down the street.
And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said,
"Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus
that's in your wagon?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.
The little boy replied,
"Well, about a week before Christmas,
I prayed and I told Jesus if he would bring me a
red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"
Paddy went to a New York psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's someone under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the doctor. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" Paddy asked.
"$80 per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Paddy.
Six months later the psychiatrist and Paddy met on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the doctor.
"Well," answered Paddy, "$80 a visit, three times a week for a year, is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went home to Ireland for a visit!"
"Is that so?" said the doctor. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed, nobody under there now!!"
THIS MAN KNOWS HIS MATH
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is
window and gave the woman the finger.
" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
Blonde ,
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why
you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a
while so I told her, "That's great!
I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She
said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.
She said....(You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she
was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Marvelous Innocence!
It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene,
when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.
He immediately turned and went outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon walking down the street.
And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said,
"Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus
that's in your wagon?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.
The little boy replied,
"Well, about a week before Christmas,
I prayed and I told Jesus if he would bring me a
red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"
Paddy went to a New York psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's someone under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the doctor. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" Paddy asked.
"$80 per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Paddy.
Six months later the psychiatrist and Paddy met on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the doctor.
"Well," answered Paddy, "$80 a visit, three times a week for a year, is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went home to Ireland for a visit!"
"Is that so?" said the doctor. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed, nobody under there now!!"
THIS MAN KNOWS HIS MATH
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is
window and gave the woman the finger.
" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
Blonde ,
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why
you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a
while so I told her, "That's great!
I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She
said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew.
She said....(You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"
