How the fight started

[Sir Loin]

HOW TO START A FIGHTOne year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot asa Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started.....________________________________I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."And that's when the fight started....._______________________________My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?""Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinkingright after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn't been sober since."I said, "Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?"And then the fight started...________________________________When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hintingto me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always hadsomething else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally shethought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tallgrass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out againI handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting thegrass, you might as well sweep the driveway."The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.______________________________My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, "What's on TV?"I said, "Dust."And then the fight started...________________________________Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made mylunch , and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up theboat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weatherwould be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped backinto bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there isterrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe mystupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started..._______________________________My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcominganniversary.She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 inabout 3 seconds."I bought her a bathroom scale.And then the fight started......______________________________My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need youto pay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."And then the fight started........________________________________I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'That's how the fight started.