Hourly Wages
A man owned a small farm just south of Baltimore.
Federal Wage & Hour officials claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent out to interview him..
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18
months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then
there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a
week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of Irish whiskey every week,"
replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
A Valentine for Osama?
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks,
"will God get mad at me forgiving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shix out of him."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the
room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
A man owned a small farm just south of Baltimore.
Federal Wage & Hour officials claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent out to interview him..
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18
months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then
there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a
week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of Irish whiskey every week,"
replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
A Valentine for Osama?
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks,
"will God get mad at me forgiving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he would love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shix out of him."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the
room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
