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Hillbilly Night Afore Christmas
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<blockquote data-quote="Lammie" data-source="post: 477759" data-attributes="member: 3306"><p>I hope you all have as much fun reading this as I did typing it. Whew! </p><p></p><p>Text by Thomas Noel Turner</p><p></p><p>"Twas the night afore Christmas</p><p>'Twixt ridgeback and holler,</p><p>No critter was twitchin'</p><p>Nary hawg dast to waller.</p><p></p><p>Each keerful darn't stockin'</p><p>War' nail't near the chimbley,</p><p>A hopin' that Sainty'd</p><p>Be a extry bit friendly.</p><p></p><p>The youngun's was snuggle't</p><p>Grub deep in the tickin'</p><p>Dream conjurin' up or'nges</p><p>And strip't candy lickin'.</p><p></p><p>Ole Maw in her night dress</p><p>And me in my longjohns,</p><p>Wuz a snorin' es happy</p><p>Es frogs in thuh lake ponds.</p><p></p><p>When up in the piney woods</p><p>Come a scair't paint'er screechin',</p><p>Ain't heered sich a ruckus</p><p>Since camp meetin' preachin'.</p><p></p><p>Wuz that wu'thless houn', Blue,</p><p>With a growl full of shiver,</p><p>Tried tuh crawl 'neath thuh bedstid,</p><p>I th'owed off thuh kivver.</p><p></p><p>I grabb't fer my rifle gun,</p><p>'Most farred hit off too,</p><p>Then tremblin' in sock feet</p><p>Near tripp't on ole Blue.</p><p></p><p>Aire plank door creaked dreadful</p><p>Jist op'nin a mite,</p><p>So's I knowed flat out sartin</p><p>Ha'nts walked th'ew thuh night.</p><p></p><p>They's a bright punkin' moon</p><p>Tuh bring moonshiners sorrah,</p><p>Made it middle day brightness</p><p>Like thuh woods wuz a-far.</p><p></p><p>Kindly dreamy, way Yonder,</p><p>Pure floatin' up aire,</p><p>Come a ole timey wagon</p><p>And eight smokey bear.</p><p></p><p>With a sawed off old peddler</p><p>As quick as a bainty,</p><p>Hit whomped like a mule kick,</p><p>Thet had to be Sainty.</p><p></p><p>To beat hummin' birds' wings</p><p>Thet bear passel came,</p><p>Whilst he growled, "Gee!" then "Haw!"</p><p>Es he hollered the'r names.</p><p></p><p>"On, Big Feet! On, Orn'ry!</p><p>"Molasses an' Rumbler!</p><p>"Up Yowler! Up Growler!</p><p>"On Gumption an' Grumbler!"</p><p></p><p>"Git over thet hinhouse!</p><p>"Light out to the shed!</p><p>"Now climb, you ole honey bears!</p><p>"Jist mind what I said!"</p><p></p><p>Es biddies frum serpants</p><p>Ur Maw's strip't cat,</p><p>Fluster which way to go,</p><p>Firstly this'n, then that.</p><p></p><p>So's up to the tin roof</p><p>Them spry varmints clumb,</p><p>With a good few of purties</p><p>And ole Sainty, by gum.</p><p></p><p>And d'recly I heered</p><p>Sich a turrible trompin',</p><p>Like'n hail big as biscuit bread,</p><p>Or store teeth a chompin'.</p><p></p><p>Though I near met myself,</p><p>Tarn'ed quick es a toad,</p><p>Sainty skinned down that chimbley</p><p>'Fore I ever knowed.</p><p></p><p>He wuz snortin' and fussin',</p><p>Stompin' snow frum his feet,</p><p>Breshin' off such leavin's</p><p>Whut stuck to his seat.</p><p></p><p>He's a mouth made fer smiles</p><p>Twicet too big fer elf-size,</p><p>A red jelly bean nose</p><p>An' shoe button eyes.</p><p></p><p>His britches and coat,</p><p>Wuz pure worryation,</p><p>Of quiltin' piece patches</p><p>Tuh beat all creation.</p><p></p><p>He wore 'spenders and belt</p><p>Like a man wif' a callin',</p><p>Tuh persactly be sartain</p><p>His paints wasn't fallin'.</p><p></p><p>You could tell he liked vittles</p><p>Like stack cake and spoon bread,</p><p>An' aw'ays tuk seconts</p><p>When seconts wuz fed.</p><p></p><p>He's gradpappy whiskers,</p><p>But his twinkledy eyes</p><p>Made him look like a youngun</p><p>Whose smile never lies.</p><p></p><p>He looked plumb full of happy,</p><p>Bof' cheeks puff't out wide,</p><p>Like a chaw of terbacky</p><p>Wuz helt in each side.</p><p></p><p>A burn't black old corn cob</p><p>He "peared 'bout to swaller,</p><p>Ever which way he goed</p><p>Thuh smoke seem't tuh foller.</p><p></p><p>He's shouldered a tote</p><p>Stuffed to make your eyes shine,</p><p>Made him out sum old trapper</p><p>A-tendin' his line.</p><p></p><p>He squinched up one eye,</p><p>Give a "How d'ye do" grin, </p><p>Not a orphin nur widder</p><p>Coulda been ascairt then.</p><p></p><p>He wuz more do than talk,</p><p>To his chores bent his back,</p><p>Stuffed them stockin's right quick</p><p>An' then heffed that there sack.</p><p></p><p>Then a paintin' me hush</p><p>"Til my "Set a spell" friz,</p><p>With a meetin' house nod</p><p>Out the chimbley he riz.</p><p></p><p>To his wagon he scrambled</p><p>Real squirrely an' spritely,</p><p>Whupped them ole bears</p><p>Kinda soft and perlitely.</p><p></p><p>They lit out a bellerin'</p><p>Like scairt scalded pups,</p><p>Ole Sainty, red wagon, </p><p>An's smokey bear cubs.</p><p></p><p>But I giv him a holler</p><p>Afore he got clear,</p><p>"Merry Christmas, ole boy,</p><p>"Ya'll come back, yuh hear!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lammie, post: 477759, member: 3306"] I hope you all have as much fun reading this as I did typing it. Whew! Text by Thomas Noel Turner "Twas the night afore Christmas 'Twixt ridgeback and holler, No critter was twitchin' Nary hawg dast to waller. Each keerful darn't stockin' War' nail't near the chimbley, A hopin' that Sainty'd Be a extry bit friendly. The youngun's was snuggle't Grub deep in the tickin' Dream conjurin' up or'nges And strip't candy lickin'. Ole Maw in her night dress And me in my longjohns, Wuz a snorin' es happy Es frogs in thuh lake ponds. When up in the piney woods Come a scair't paint'er screechin', Ain't heered sich a ruckus Since camp meetin' preachin'. Wuz that wu'thless houn', Blue, With a growl full of shiver, Tried tuh crawl 'neath thuh bedstid, I th'owed off thuh kivver. I grabb't fer my rifle gun, 'Most farred hit off too, Then tremblin' in sock feet Near tripp't on ole Blue. Aire plank door creaked dreadful Jist op'nin a mite, So's I knowed flat out sartin Ha'nts walked th'ew thuh night. They's a bright punkin' moon Tuh bring moonshiners sorrah, Made it middle day brightness Like thuh woods wuz a-far. Kindly dreamy, way Yonder, Pure floatin' up aire, Come a ole timey wagon And eight smokey bear. With a sawed off old peddler As quick as a bainty, Hit whomped like a mule kick, Thet had to be Sainty. To beat hummin' birds' wings Thet bear passel came, Whilst he growled, "Gee!" then "Haw!" Es he hollered the'r names. "On, Big Feet! On, Orn'ry! "Molasses an' Rumbler! "Up Yowler! Up Growler! "On Gumption an' Grumbler!" "Git over thet hinhouse! "Light out to the shed! "Now climb, you ole honey bears! "Jist mind what I said!" Es biddies frum serpants Ur Maw's strip't cat, Fluster which way to go, Firstly this'n, then that. So's up to the tin roof Them spry varmints clumb, With a good few of purties And ole Sainty, by gum. And d'recly I heered Sich a turrible trompin', Like'n hail big as biscuit bread, Or store teeth a chompin'. Though I near met myself, Tarn'ed quick es a toad, Sainty skinned down that chimbley 'Fore I ever knowed. He wuz snortin' and fussin', Stompin' snow frum his feet, Breshin' off such leavin's Whut stuck to his seat. He's a mouth made fer smiles Twicet too big fer elf-size, A red jelly bean nose An' shoe button eyes. His britches and coat, Wuz pure worryation, Of quiltin' piece patches Tuh beat all creation. He wore 'spenders and belt Like a man wif' a callin', Tuh persactly be sartain His paints wasn't fallin'. You could tell he liked vittles Like stack cake and spoon bread, An' aw'ays tuk seconts When seconts wuz fed. He's gradpappy whiskers, But his twinkledy eyes Made him look like a youngun Whose smile never lies. He looked plumb full of happy, Bof' cheeks puff't out wide, Like a chaw of terbacky Wuz helt in each side. A burn't black old corn cob He "peared 'bout to swaller, Ever which way he goed Thuh smoke seem't tuh foller. He's shouldered a tote Stuffed to make your eyes shine, Made him out sum old trapper A-tendin' his line. He squinched up one eye, Give a "How d'ye do" grin, Not a orphin nur widder Coulda been ascairt then. He wuz more do than talk, To his chores bent his back, Stuffed them stockin's right quick An' then heffed that there sack. Then a paintin' me hush "Til my "Set a spell" friz, With a meetin' house nod Out the chimbley he riz. To his wagon he scrambled Real squirrely an' spritely, Whupped them ole bears Kinda soft and perlitely. They lit out a bellerin' Like scairt scalded pups, Ole Sainty, red wagon, An's smokey bear cubs. But I giv him a holler Afore he got clear, "Merry Christmas, ole boy, "Ya'll come back, yuh hear!" [/QUOTE]
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