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fancy dress Halloween party
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<blockquote data-quote="Sir Loin" data-source="post: 873901" data-attributes="member: 5601"><p>President Hillary - you'll LOVE this one!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>President Hillary Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her </p><p>first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and </p><p>Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" </p><p></p><p>Washington says, "Never tell a lie." </p><p></p><p>Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that. </p><p></p><p>The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How </p><p>can I best serve my country?" </p><p></p><p>Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." </p><p></p><p>Ohhh! I really don't want to do that. </p><p></p><p>On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.... Hillary says, "How </p><p>can I best serve my country?" </p><p></p><p>Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." </p><p>*********</p><p></p><p>An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the</p><p>last</p><p>of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.</p><p></p><p>Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the</p><p>latest</p><p>episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with</p><p>diarrhea</p><p>and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.</p><p></p><p>In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the</p><p>bed</p><p>sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.</p><p></p><p>A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He</p><p>started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get</p><p>the</p><p>unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled</p><p>pile</p><p>at</p><p>his feet.</p><p></p><p>As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the</p><p>sheets,</p><p>a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had</p><p>watched</p><p>the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on</p><p>here?"</p><p></p><p>The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh-t out</p><p>of</p><p>a ghost."</p><p></p><p>Happy Halloween !</p><p>***************</p><p>Sex at 100</p><p></p><p>On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. </p><p></p><p>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, </p><p>"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." </p><p></p><p>Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex, would surely be asking for trouble.</p><p></p><p>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to</p><p>ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." </p><p></p><p>She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."</p><p>**************</p><p>Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."</p><p></p><p>The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" </p><p></p><p>The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just </p><p>don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." </p><p></p><p>The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"</p><p></p><p>******************</p><p>Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. </p><p>The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. </p><p>Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. </p><p>Raelly amzanig huh?</p><p></p><p>***********************</p><p>A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ASKS, "BARTENDER, GOT ANY</p><p>SPECIALS TODAY?"</p><p></p><p>BARTENDER SAYS, "YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK</p><p>INVENTED BY A GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS. IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE</p><p>RIBBON AND SMIRNOFF VODKA."</p><p></p><p>THE GUY ASKS, "GEEZ, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?"</p><p>WE CALL IT A "PABST SMIR."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sir Loin, post: 873901, member: 5601"] President Hillary - you'll LOVE this one! President Hillary Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Ohhh! I really don't want to do that. On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." ********* An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh-t out of a ghost." Happy Halloween ! *************** Sex at 100 On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex, would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today." ************** Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" ****************** Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Raelly amzanig huh? *********************** A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ASKS, "BARTENDER, GOT ANY SPECIALS TODAY?" BARTENDER SAYS, "YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK INVENTED BY A GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS. IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE RIBBON AND SMIRNOFF VODKA." THE GUY ASKS, "GEEZ, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?" WE CALL IT A "PABST SMIR." [/QUOTE]
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