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Coffee Shop
Dear Diary...week of personal training at the local health c
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<blockquote data-quote="MULDOON" data-source="post: 34501" data-attributes="member: 445"><p>Dear Diary... </p><p>>For my sixty-ninth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a </p><p>>week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am </p><p>>still in great shape since playing football 55 years ago, I decided it </p><p>>would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and </p><p>>made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who </p><p>>identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for </p><p>>athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my </p><p>>enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to </p><p>>chart my progress................. </p><p>> </p><p>>Monday: </p><p>> </p><p>>Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well </p><p>>worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for </p><p>>me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes </p><p>>and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed </p><p>>me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. </p><p>>She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing </p><p>>next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful </p><p>>way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. </p><p>>Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my </p><p>>gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time </p><p>>she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! </p><p>> </p><p>>Tuesday: </p><p>> </p><p>>I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda </p><p>>made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she </p><p>>put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I </p><p>>made the full kilometre. </p><p>>Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a </p><p>>whole new life for me. </p><p>> </p><p>>Wednesday: </p><p>> </p><p>>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the </p><p>>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a </p><p>>hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer </p><p>>or stop. I parked in an ACROD zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was </p><p>>impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. </p><p>>Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she </p><p>>scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt </p><p>>when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why </p><p>>the h**l would anyone invent a machine to simulate </p><p>>an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help </p><p>>me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too. </p><p>> </p><p>>Thursday: </p><p>> </p><p>>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her </p><p>>thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being </p><p>>a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me </p><p>>to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in </p><p>>the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on </p><p>>the rowing machine - which I sank. </p><p>> </p><p>>Friday: </p><p>> </p><p>>I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any </p><p>>other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic </p><p>>little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without </p><p>>unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on </p><p>>my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the </p><p>>floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs </p><p>>more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school </p><p>>you attended and graduated with honours.) The treadmill flung me off and </p><p>>I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been </p><p>>someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? </p><p>> </p><p>>Saturday: </p><p>> </p><p>>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly </p><p>>voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me </p><p>>want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength </p><p>>to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of </p><p>>the Weather Channel. </p><p>> </p><p>>Sunday: </p><p>> </p><p>>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and </p><p>>thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife </p><p>>will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MULDOON, post: 34501, member: 445"] Dear Diary... >For my sixty-ninth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a >week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am >still in great shape since playing football 55 years ago, I decided it >would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and >made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who >identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for >athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my >enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to >chart my progress................. > >Monday: > >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for >me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes >and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed >me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. >She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing >next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful >way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. >Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my >gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time >she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! > >Tuesday: > >I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda >made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she >put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I >made the full kilometre. >Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a >whole new life for me. > >Wednesday: > >The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a >hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer >or stop. I parked in an ACROD zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was >impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. >Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she >scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt >when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why >the h**l would anyone invent a machine to simulate >an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help >me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too. > >Thursday: > >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being >a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me >to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in >the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on >the rowing machine - which I sank. > >Friday: > >I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic >little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without >unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on >my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the >floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs >more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school >you attended and graduated with honours.) The treadmill flung me off and >I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been >someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? > >Saturday: > >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength >to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of >the Weather Channel. > >Sunday: > >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife >will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy. [/QUOTE]
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