colonoscopy prep

[slick4591]

Facial tissue w/lotion helps in the latter stages of the prep.

 

[TexasBred]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box

Large enough to hold a microwave oven.. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 'S enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my

Preparation .. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically

Water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter

Plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I f elt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earnhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity..'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 

[Nesikep]

TB, did you look at the two youtube links I posted? Either Billy Connolly ripped this guy off or the other way around...

A quote from the Robert Schimmel one, commenting about the "apparatus".. What are you looking for in there? A parking space?..
The doctor said "We're going to stick this up your behind and look for blood"
Schimmel: "I can make a prediction and save us both the trouble"

 

[MO_cows]

They also inflate your colon with gas to have a better look at the lining. When you wake up and start moving around and using your muscles again, this gas passes. I went with hubby for his colonoscopy, the recovery room just had curtains between patients and some of them were really ripping and roaring. The nurse came in to check on hubby just as he let loose with a big loud fart, and she said "that's good, that's what we want to hear". He told her, gee you must really love your job.

 

[fitz]

My b-i-l was diagnosed with prostate cancer right before Christmas, and has started his radiation treatment. He said the exploratory procedures were far worse than the radiation, and knows all about the pink cream.
(His docs say his prognosis is very good for full recovery, and he's not suffering any ill effects from the radiation at all so that's a big relief for all of us)

God Bless him. Hope he has a speedy recovery.

 

[dun]

Before they knocked me out the doc asked if I had done the complete prep. Told her "yup, it's clena enough for chitlins". Thought she was going to wet her pants laughing. But I bet they have all heard about everything anyone could come up with.

 

[cow pollinater]

My wife had one a few years ago. Watching the prep makes a guy want to start eating really healthy. Shortly after she drank the shake she said "I wonder how long it's " and then she jumped up and knocked over the nightstand running across the room clawing at her zipper.

 

[Dave]

When I had one done 6 or 7 years ago the nurses in the prep/recovery were all 40+ ladies. When they wheeled me into the room there was the doc and a 20 something year old nurse who was dressed head to toe in protective gear. I thought you can sure tell who is the low nurse on the totem pole at this outfit. I would imagine they get a little blow by occurring from time to time from those who don't prep good enough.

 

[dun]

When they told me that if I hadn;t preped enough they would have to rescheule it I figured that once every 12 years is plenty. With any luck I'll be dead before the next one comes along.

 

[LazyARanch]

I've had 2 colonoscopys. The first one was miserable because of the prep stuff, the 2nd one was a piece of cake as they used a different kind of prep stuff.... If the future ones go that well, I don't dread them at all!!

 

[greybeard]

I now know more about rear ends than I ever really wanted to, and will probably think about this thread every time I turn cows into new green winter grass. A mouthfull--2 steps--squirt--a mouthfull-2 steps-squirt--mouthful-2 steps-squirt.....

 

[Williamsv]

I had my first colonoscopy Dec. 3. My prep was very simple. I had two little 16 oz. bottles. I had to be on clear liquids all that day. I started at 3:00pm drinking the first bottle. I mixed Sprite with it to make the 16 oz. It did not take much. I ate lemon and pineapple Jello, drank Sprite, and kept some pieces of butterscotch hard candy in my mouth. I also had to drink 16 oz. of water two times in the following hour.
At 10:00 I had one more small bottle to drink followed by 16 oz. of water two times in the following hour. Nothing else after midnight.
I was told to be there the next day by 1:00. It was 3:15 before they got to me. I went in at 4:00 for the procedure. It was over before I knew it. Everything was fine. Have another one in ten years.
The prep was not bad. I knew nothing that went on after the anesthesia was given. Very simple for me. I usually have problems getting blood drawn. I got right up,drank some Diet Coke and went straight on to the sale to see my calves sell. It was after 6:00 when we got to the restaurant to eat. I was not weak all.
I was really surprised how simple all of this was. I had put off having one for years, but after having an attack if ischemic colitis in Sept. that put me in the hospital for a weekend, I had no choice . I had to have it.
If you have not had one, please do not put it off. It is a simple procedure that can save your life. Believe me it is not that bad.

 

[greybeard]

Williamsv, that is an encouraging post, but I hope your "not that bad" isn't like the dentist that says "You may feel a little pressure here now."

 

[Williamsv]

I had always heard how bad the prep was. I had seen my husband have to mix and drink humongous amounts, and I always said I could not drink that much. My kit had only two little bottles and then I had to drink the water. It was not bad and I am one that does not drink enough liquids.
One other thing that helped is that I am on a low fat no cholesterol diet and had not been eating that much. It was not that hard for me to have liquids for a day.
This was very easy for me and I am not always a good patient. It is hard to get blood from me and I usually pass out. I have just gotten to where I can do that fairly easy.
As I said before this is not bad, do not put it off. I had to reschedule mine as my mother was in the hospital. I was supposed to have had it in Oct. and really wanted to wait until after Christmas, but my husband and daughter said no.
I am truly thankful that I had it done and will encourage others to go on and have it done. Do not procrastinate!

 

[dun]

My wifes prep was just 2 little bottles of stuff. Mine I had to drink 32 oz of the junk. An hour later 32 oz of water. A couple of hours later another 32 oz of the stuff , then another 32 oz of water. I drank more liquids in that one day then a normally would in a week.

 

[skeeter swatter]

Definately not looking forward to all that :shock:

After about 55 they will hound you about it. After 70 they really get serious about hounding and your a captive audience because you have to see them more often. Particularly if you are losing weight, I dropped 45 pounds in a year and ahalf and they got all in a sweat about it.

I'm 43 and had the prep 3 times in the last 6 months.
Once for colonoscopy, once for a CT scan, and again 2 weeks ago for surgery.

And no, it doesn't get better with practice.

And GB my best wishes to your BIL.

 

[TexasBred]

I had to drink two of hte large bottles of Gatorade mixed with "Miralax". Didn't have to worry about not being able to drink it all. You're already "downloading" long before you get through the 2nd one...that was it other than the 30 dashes to the bathroom. As for the procedure....one minute you're awake the next your awake again and it's over. BTW the nurse did tell me beforemand that this one be one time I would be encouraged to pass gas when the doc was finished.....naturally I accommodated them with flying colors.

 

[dun]

All I remember about the anesthetic was she had 2 syringes each with about 2 cc in them. Watch the first one go in and about half of the second one.

 

[lmbrsn]

The preps that they have now days is a lot better than what they had in the old days.
Not to bad now