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Coffee Shop
So you want to date my daughter huh?
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<blockquote data-quote="flaboy" data-source="post: 587817" data-attributes="member: 1726"><p>I have a few rules for you follow if you do.</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>Rule One:</strong></p><p>If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,</p><p>because you're sure not picking anything up. Do not honk when leaving either.</p><p>Honking is for fairies.</p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Two:</strong></p><p>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so</p><p>long as you do not look at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep</p><p>your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from your body.</p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Three:</strong></p><p>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to</p><p>wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their</p><p>hips and hats screwed on sideways. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your</p><p>friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded</p><p>about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the</p><p>door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and</p><p>I will not object!. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do</p><p>not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, </p><p>I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in</p><p>place to your waist. </p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Four:</strong></p><p>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing</p><p>a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when</p><p>it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.</p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Five:</strong></p><p>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,</p><p>we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. </p><p>I do not require this. I don't even want you to speak to me.</p><p> The only information I require from you is an </p><p>indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my</p><p>house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' </p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Six:</strong></p><p>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,</p><p>and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to</p><p>be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is</p><p>putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting</p><p>the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you</p><p>do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck? </p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Seven:</strong></p><p>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:</p><p>Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer t han a wooden</p><p>stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,</p><p>holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is</p><p>warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff</p><p>T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down</p><p>parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual </p><p>themes are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. </p><p></p><p><strong>Rule Eight:</strong></p><p>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle- </p><p>aged, dimwitted southerner but, on issues relating to my daughter,</p><p>I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you</p><p>where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell</p><p>me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,</p><p>a shovel, and five hundred acres of forest behind the house. Do not trifle with me. </p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Rule Nine:</strong></p><p>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the</p><p>sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice</p><p>paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange and flashbacks start acting up, the voices</p><p>in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns as I wait for you to bring</p><p>my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit</p><p>the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,</p><p>announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely</p><p>and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come</p><p>inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. </p><p></p><p>Any questions?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flaboy, post: 587817, member: 1726"] I have a few rules for you follow if you do. [b]Rule One:[/b] If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Do not honk when leaving either. Honking is for fairies. [b]Rule Two:[/b] You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not look at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from your body. [b]Rule Three:[/b] I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips and hats screwed on sideways. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object!. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. [b]Rule Four:[/b] I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. [b]Rule Five:[/b] It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. I do not require this. I don't even want you to speak to me. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' [b]Rule Six:[/b] As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck? [b]Rule Seven:[/b] The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer t han a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. [b]Rule Eight:[/b] Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle- aged, dimwitted southerner but, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five hundred acres of forest behind the house. Do not trifle with me. [b] Rule Nine:[/b] Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange and flashbacks start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Any questions? [/QUOTE]
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So you want to date my daughter huh?
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