I've about had it

alisonb":1x78zpxe said:

That said, he would never have welcomed you back home if he did not care for you.

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This is not necessarily true of an abusive person. Sometimes it's just power over people that they crave. Nesi's situation reminds me a lot of my wife's. I'm not going to go into much detail, but there were so many instances where that they said that they cared for her and would then turn around and do something contradictory. We moved out here in part to get away from that. They followed, but we never allowed them back into our lives. There are parents who don't care about their children, yet still allow them to live with them. Same with people and their spouses, pets, etc. Some people just don't care....

Best, yes, that's a classic Narcissist move.. apologize (welcome, etc) just enough to keep you around because you have something to offer them they want.. what they want will depend on the person of course

Okay...if the above two posts are true of the person and he does not care for you, why would he leave you an inheritance????

alisonb":2pfmzna1 said:

Okay...if the above two posts are true of the person and he does not care for you, why would he leave you an inheritance????

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It's a carrot on a string. Unfortunately, I have too much experience in situations like this. My father came from an abusive alcoholic household, but it shares a lot of the same characteristics of narcissism. There were hoops he was expected to jump through in life, and when he didn't things went south. As soon as it was determined that the cord was going to be cut by him, he was written out of the will. And why does giving someone an inheritance show that they care for you? Nesi is fed and sheltered? So was my father and wife. Doesn't mean that they're loved and respected as humans and adults.

I feel your pain to some extent. I do very little with my family other than my dad asking me to specifically ride with him to this or that little daily task.

It was the same with my family. They dangled the carrot of this will all be yours one day but they only wanted input in the form of manual labor.

When I was younger they just did their best to squash my ideas as wild dreams. Now that I manage cattle, lead land, and have started buying my own cattle it has turned to resentment because the "wild dreams came true and do work.

We have briefly touched on this before because you will hear people talk about so and so died and their kids sold every thing as fast as they could... well it's not always the kids fault. They are not all money hungry pos. I have zero interest in operating any thing with my family and that is due to their actions.

You have got to get the young people involved both from a labor and management stand point if you expect businesses to continue from one generation to the next. Most people I know have a hard time doing that.

I have been very purposeful in not hyping my son up about things he will inherit and it did not go over well when I asked... and then told... My parents to do the same... but I do not want him being lead down the same road.

I have a plan to start getting him involved and managing a couple cows now, at 11. He will get what he earns with a little guidance from dad.

alisonb":3kix682j said:

Okay...if the above two posts are true of the person and he does not care for you, why would he leave you an inheritance????

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I think both can be true.. the need to control, as well as caring for someone.. the line is a pretty blurry one sometimes though

Some thing else I am learning the hard way is people always say don't invest more money than you can stand to loose. I think the same can be said of your time. Don't invest more of your time in some thing than you can stand too lose if it doesn't turn out how you planned.

Brute 23":3q7nghr7 said:

Some thing else I am learning the hard way is people always say don't invest more money than you can stand to lose. I think the same can be said of your time. Don't invest more of your time in some thing than you can stand to lose if it doesn't turn out how you planned.

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I think that's the smartest thing said in this Discussion. Maybe in the whole forum, ever.

Without anything on paper everything is a waste of time. If mom goes before dad who knows what the heck will happen. Ex wives and new wives do pretty good all the time, and same can be said for a couple of men I know.
I call them "yes dear" but they've done mighty fine for themselves at the cost of the kids.

True Grit Farms":2rhv6qgz said:

Without anything on paper everything is a waste of time. If mom goes before dad who knows what the heck will happen. Ex wives and new wives do pretty good all the time, and same can be said for a couple of men I know.
I call them "yes dear" but they've done mighty fine for themselves at the cost of the kids.

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Both of my parents wills leave their inherited land directly to my brother and I, immediately. The spouse receives the revenue generated from the property until the day they die but they can not make any decisions. Early on my mom did not understand why my dad had his like that. It was a touchy subject. Later on, after she saw some of that stuff you are talking about go on she made hers the same way.

Brute 23":25vrsez0 said:

Some thing else I am learning the hard way is people always say don't invest more money than you can stand to loose. I think the same can be said of your time. Don't invest more of your time in some thing than you can stand too lose if it doesn't turn out how you planned.

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:nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: :nod:

*DING* *DING* *DING* We have a winner!!!! :clap: :clap: :clap:

The one, precious thing, that we have that is ours is our time. Unlike dollars, once it is spent, it is gone, forever never to be gotten back. Spend it wisely.

Millions continue on in work they hate because they think they've either invested too much (college, etc), or there is some future reward that they might get.

That is where I found myself at about your age. And I thought I was mentally ill and depressed - went to shrinks for pills and counseling. Figured I could just change my brain and I could like what I hated.

Wasn't working. Out of desperation, I gave up my career that I hated and took a job in a warehouse for $8/hour, while I had 3 kids. Actually quite liked it, worked up to managing a pretty big operation. Play with a few cows on the side. No medication needed. Will need to work more years without the big retirement I gave up, but no problem given I don't hate my job.

A guy I know kept on in the same career, that he also hated, working toward retirement and was miserable all those years. Now with big retirement, he's bored and not happy.

Anyway, as Yogi Berra said, when you come to a fork in the road, take it.

You can try this or that trick with your dad, but generally speaking, people don't change.

Happiness is worth more than money.

I wouldn't waste another day there. You're still young. The only thing worse than having wasted time there, is wasting more time there.

Not that big a deal - no regrets. There's only one way to learn some things - through experience.

I promise there are a bunch of large cattle operations that would love to hire someone with good cow sense. EXPlORE your options!

Brute 23":1g1huktf said:

I feel your pain to some extent. I do very little with my family other than my dad asking me to specifically ride with him to this or that little daily task.

It was the same with my family. They dangled the carrot of this will all be yours one day but they only wanted input in the form of manual labor.

When I was younger they just did their best to squash my ideas as wild dreams. Now that I manage cattle, lead land, and have started buying my own cattle it has turned to resentment because the "wild dreams came true and do work.

We have briefly touched on this before because you will hear people talk about so and so died and their kids sold every thing as fast as they could... well it's not always the kids fault. They are not all money hungry pos. I have zero interest in operating any thing with my family and that is due to their actions.

You have got to get the young people involved both from a labor and management stand point if you expect businesses to continue from one generation to the next. Most people I know have a hard time doing that.

I have been very purposeful in not hyping my son up about things he will inherit and it did not go over well when I asked... and then told... My parents to do the same... but I do not want him being lead down the same road.

I have a plan to start getting him involved and managing a couple cows now, at 11. He will get what he earns with a little guidance from dad.

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good stuff man..

my son bought his first cow at 2 years old. He was on a dozer at 2 DAYS old. He was backhoeing out a tree with me yesterday (he's 4 now)

Really hope he wants to keep doing what I'm doing.

Nesikep":39tvfpx8 said:

Looking solely at the monetary value of the place... its worth somewhere in the 1 to 2 mill range.. my income is about 18ķ a year and from that I carry the day to day costs of running the place.. fuel.. salt.. minerals, twine.. truck insurance and so on while they pay for capital expenditures ...
So unless I have some payout coming, the math isn't in my favor

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This is what puzzles me the most. It's none of my dang business, but without them how can you afford to live there. You need a retirement or money from somewhere else to pay the bills. It's a beautiful place, but your $18k isn't enough money to matter when capital expenses and taxes are added into the equation. Good luck

Nesi; from a female view, do yourself a favor and get out on your own. Find a place on a farm and let someone pay you for your expertise and knowledge. Go into some "normal"type job and have a bit of a social life. There are other options and I agree that you seem to be very smart and capable from your posts. You are slowly burying yourself and becoming someone even you will not like. If you cannot like what you are doing, in the atmosphere you are doing it, then you are going to either do something you regret in a moment of temper when you can no longer bear it, or you are going to become a bitter, unhappy, copy of your father. It is sad but there are so many men that cannot and will not allow their son to become a part of the whole; they need to maintain the control.
There is more to life, and a million or two inheritance is really not worth it. You will like yourself, will look at what you have earned and made or done, and not feel any negativity because you did it yourself. You can parlay your knowledge into a decent living, rent a little place and do things your own way.
If he thinks you have reached the end of your rope, he might back down a bit, give a little, then get you hot-tied tighter. Don't let yourself slowly suffocate for a gulp of air now and then.
Unless he is physically abusive to your mom, and she is unable to walk out the door, you are also not responsible for her allowing him to belittle or verbally abuse her. It is also a form of control over you by treating her so and you feeling so terrible about his lack of respect for her. I went through the verbal and mental and emotional abuse from my ex....and I reached the point of leaving or killing him. Decided he wasn't worth going to jail over. You can't take responsibility for her, she is a grown person who has to reach her limits to do something about it. If she chooses to stay, you can't FIX it.

My father was my hero. But as I got older, there was a second side to him. His family did alot to help him get started in business and he paid back the loans his grandmother gave him. It was a fair situation. Then he and his brother inherited after his father then his mother died. In their 90's. There is alot of money there. But he has come right out and told us kids that we are not entitled to any of it and he is going to leave it to a college ...he never went to college....but he felt that he was entitled to it from his parents.....He has neither helped any of us kids even when things were bad, nor will share any of it, like his parents and grandparents did for him. So, since he has made it clear that what he grew up learning about taking care of family and looking out for each other, doesn't seem to apply to doing for or helping the next generation out....god bless him. Do what he wants and don't bother me. 3 of us ...there are 4....have all just decided that if that's the way he wants it, whatever. We don't need or want it and will not lose any sleep over it. Financial stuff is a big secret hush hush bunch of BS....If the other chosen son gets it, well, he is a very unhappy person now so I hope it makes him happy.

I am all for standing on your own 2 feet and making your own way, don't believe in handouts or coddling kids. But I am angry over not respecting the family legacies that were passed to him, and not wanting to pass things down to the next generation like was done from the preceding generations. I greatly admire the families that do believe in continuity, and I know that every single one of them have had their own trials, but they managed to make it work. Mine won't, yours won't, and leaving and doing it your self is the most SELF RESPECTING thing you can do.

There are some guys on here that would probably be willing to put you to work for awhile....give you a little time to figure out WHO and WHAT you want to be " when you grow up" as I kid my son. Get out of your rut and then you can decide where you want to go from there. If there are some cows that you really "have to keep" I am sure you can find somewhere to "lease them out to" for a bit til you get your feet under you.

Some very good thoughts and life experience here...One thing I wonder about, Nesi: if one or both of your folks get sick and need long-term care (nursing home or the like), do they have other assets (or insurance) to cover it? (I know Canada has national health care but I'm assuming that doesn't extend to assisted living or the like?)
My point is that even if your folks have every intention of leaving you the place, unless/until you actually own it, if you were in the US it would be subject to being sold at the government's demand to pay for necessary care.
One of the hallmarks of abusers is that they beat you down (whether literally or figuratively) as a way of control: telling you that you aren't worthy of anything or anyone. The danger is that after a while you can start to believe it. Beware the "honeymoon" period where he tries to charm you and/or gaslight you

Thanks for all the insights.. I don't know if I miscommunicated it before... I really do enjoy everything about being here, except for the over-control and micromanagement parts of it... For finances, my parents have overseas pension plans as well as canadian pensions.. Also, while the farm does carry itself, if it doesn't provide everything I desire, I could do part time work pulling wrenches in town.. not my goal, but a viable option at least.

Pack up, head to Nebraska and be miles ahead of anything going on at the home place...

https://talk.newagtalk.com/forums/threa ... 13&start=1

Dig up an old post and update it, why not?

Well, this is going to be a long post, and a hard one to write.

I'm throwing in the towel. Such a hard decision to do, All the things that make me the happiest are here, but I can't enjoy them anymore, the negative is just inevitably around the corner. Having run on empty for so long, I'm just drained. I only hear about the stuff I do wrong, I'm not one that thrives on or searches for accolades, but damn, just once in a while, give a guy some hope as it's like 999 wrongs to 1 right it seems.
I'll say family issues are definitely the root cause of it, I know I have plenty of personal failings, I'm disorganized as hell and sloppy and that has been one of the greatest points of friction with my german blooded father (the stereotype holds true here) from his side of it. From my side, it's being systematically cut off from every friend I have, there were red flags right when I set foot back on the farm in 2009, I had just started dating a girl, (relationships are hard for me to come by) my parents had met her 5 years before and I guess they had a hate-on for her, banned her from setting foot here so that was the end of that, and I swore I'd never put myself nor someone else through that again... Then it was another long time friend of 25 years, then another, then Covid got used as a convenient excuse to ban any visitors... Few months back I went to the coast for a friends bday party, yeah, we were up all night and drank a lot, hadn't done that in years (I seriously haven't been sloshed in 15 years, I don't drink much), couple weeks later I was to pick up some stuff from an auction and was going to see a different friend and the grouch glares at me and says I was going to get wasted.
I'm done with being gaslighted and feeling subhuman, some other comments he's made are telling me I'll never amount to anything, calling me a traitor for forgetting something (won't get into the details on that), I've taken my share of beatings in my life, and when I was clearly wrong or an ass, well, I can say I probably deserved those, but there's been plenty where I wasn't wrong, and I seriously can't remember the last time I got any apology.
So what was the last straw? Well sorry for the tedium here, but we were unloading some vinyl planks from the auction I mentioned earlier, He wanted a support put under the planks so they don't get a bend.. I asked WHERE, he barks at me to to get a brick and put it under the planks, again, no doubt more loudly I ask WHERE, he cusses at me and well, my recollection from there is a little fuzzy, I know I ****ing saw red for the first time in my life and I just saw red *LOST IT* and threw a punch, we scrapped, at one point he picked up a shovel handle, he must have hit me on the forearm with it because I felt a bruise there the next day, I held that handle and he fell, and damn as tempting as it was to lay boots to him I just held the handle and let him back up. he stormed off and that was the last we've seen of each other in 3 weeks.
Now was what I did right? no, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that feels good about it too (don't take this as a recommendation!)
I have never in my life been in a physical fight, so I gotta take this as a sign that ****'s bad for me around here and I'm at some new low.
My mother has been the messenger between us for the last 3 weeks, she couldn't believe it came to blows either and that I initiated it... It sounds like he's "gotten over it" (much like I've had to do all my life)...
There's always been the carrot of "This place will be yours", and for years it worked for me to try harder (and fail), and the big stick of "If you don't, I'm selling"
Well, I don't find the carrot appealing anymore, and the stick doesn't hold the clout it used to.
Now I gotta work on an exit strategy, About half the herd I'd be able to sell via auction without too many regrets, but the other half kinda needs a home, and then I have SOOOOO MUCH STUFF.. lathes, milling machine, welders, tools, trucks, trailers, what the hell do I do with it all?