Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice
and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHyT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself on the amount of SHyT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do
not receive enough SHyT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHyT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of
age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire
Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice
and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHyT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself on the amount of SHyT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do
not receive enough SHyT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHyT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
