Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
------
I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
------
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
------
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only
once a year.
- Victor Borge
------
Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
------
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .
mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
------
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
- Socrates
------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury.
- Groucho Marx
------
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
------
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
------
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all
four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat.
- Alex Levine
------
Don't go around saying the world owes you a
living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
------
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
------
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
------
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you
money.
- Henny Youngman
------
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
------
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut
up.
- Joe Namath
------
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little
later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
------
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
------
We could certainly slow the aging process down if
it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
------
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you
grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
------
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
------
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it
out.
- Unknown
------
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
------
I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
------
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
------
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only
once a year.
- Victor Borge
------
Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
------
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .
mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
------
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
- Socrates
------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury.
- Groucho Marx
------
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
------
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
------
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all
four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat.
- Alex Levine
------
Don't go around saying the world owes you a
living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
------
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
------
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
------
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you
money.
- Henny Youngman
------
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
------
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut
up.
- Joe Namath
------
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little
later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
------
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
------
We could certainly slow the aging process down if
it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
------
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you
grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
------
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
------
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it
out.
- Unknown
------
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
