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<blockquote data-quote="Craig-TX" data-source="post: 29819" data-attributes="member: 39"><p>I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.</p><p>But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:</p><p>"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall".</p><p>~Eleanor Roosevelt</p><p></p><p>Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever</p><p>seen. I have since been visited by her sister .. and now wish</p><p>to withdraw that statement.</p><p>~Mark Twain</p><p></p><p>The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good</p><p>ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.</p><p>~George Burns</p><p></p><p>Santa Claus has the right idea ...</p><p>Visit people only once a year.</p><p>~Victor Borge</p><p></p><p>Be careful about reading health books.</p><p>You may die of a misprint.</p><p>~Mark Twain</p><p></p><p>What would men be without women?</p><p>Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.</p><p>~Mark Twain</p><p></p><p>By all means, marry.</p><p>If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;</p><p>if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.</p><p>~Socrates</p><p></p><p>I was married by a judge.</p><p>I should have asked for a jury.</p><p>~Groucho Marx</p><p></p><p>My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.</p><p>Every now and then she stops to breathe.</p><p>~Jimmy Durante</p><p></p><p>The male is a domestic animal which,</p><p>if treated with firmness and kindness,</p><p>can be trained to do most things.</p><p>~Jilly Cooper</p><p></p><p>I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.</p><p>~Zsa Zsa Gabor</p><p></p><p>Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential</p><p>food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.</p><p>~Alex Levine</p><p></p><p>Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.</p><p>The world owes you nothing. It was here first.</p><p>~Mark Twain</p><p></p><p>My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,</p><p>people would stop dying.</p><p>~Ed Furgol</p><p></p><p>Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring</p><p>you a more pleasant form of misery.</p><p>~Spike Milligan</p><p></p><p>What's the use of happiness?</p><p>It can't buy you money.</p><p>~Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>I am opposed to millionaires,</p><p>but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.</p><p>~Mark Twain</p><p></p><p>Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.</p><p>~Joe Namath</p><p></p><p>Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.</p><p>~Herbert Henry Asquith</p><p></p><p>I don't feel old.</p><p>I don't feel anything until noon.</p><p>Then it's time for my nap.</p><p>~Bob Hope</p><p></p><p>A woman drove me to drink ...</p><p>and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.</p><p>~W.C. Fields</p><p></p><p>I never drink water</p><p>because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.</p><p>~W.C. Fields</p><p></p><p>It takes only one drink to get me drunk.</p><p>The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth</p><p>or the fourteenth.</p><p>~George Burns</p><p></p><p>We could certainly slow the aging process down</p><p>if it had to work its way through Congress.</p><p>~Will Rogers</p><p></p><p>Don't worry about avoiding temptation...</p><p>As you grow older, it will avoid you.</p><p>~Winston Churchill</p><p></p><p>Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.</p><p>But everything else starts to wear out, fall out,</p><p>or spread out.</p><p>~Phyllis Diller</p><p></p><p>The cardiologist's diet:</p><p>If it tastes good ... spit it out.</p><p>~Unknown</p><p></p><p>By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,</p><p>he's too old to go anywhere.</p><p>~Billy Crystal</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Craig-TX, post: 29819, member: 39"] I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall". ~Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister .. and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal [/QUOTE]
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