proper parenting

[backhoeboogie]

The support is truly appreciated. There are many families out there needing such support.

It is easy to want to blame "the crowd" or "the place" or yourself and practically anything. It seems that we have all been condition to feel that way. The truth is, you can go anywhere at any time and get yourself into trouble. Our siblings and friends all want to remember her as the innocent and caring kid they used to know. These are all good folks but they don't know her the way we have come to know her. The tragedy here is being an enabler. I was guilty as was practically everyone. It is easy to get caught up in things and to be forgiving. When you are dealing with an addict, there are no gray areas. You have to stick to your guns. You and your spouse have to be on the same page, at all times. It took me and my wife a long time to get on the same page and it put a lot of pressure on us. No matter how things tear your heart out, you have to be strong. No matter how tough you think you are, you learn every weakness you have. In the end, you learn a lot about yourself and you learn to reach out and help others. Perhaps you never liked "touchy feely" things. Swallow your pride and jump in, with both feet. Be accountable.

Close friends will want to express sympathy. Accept it. You don't want sympathy but you are going to get it anyway. You are going to get counselling from everyone and from those who have been through this. Listen to them. Just remember they are good people and good friends. They see your family name in newspapers and such and all they want to do is console you. You need these people, you really do. You are no as tough as you think you are.

 

[peg4x4]

You never EVER know how things will turn out..All you can do is the best you can do,and hope/pray for the best..

 

[Carlos D.]

Well I thought we hadn,t done to bad --But a year ago my 20 year old daughter came home and told us she was pregnant---And then our 17 year old came home a week later and told us she was the same way--AND after I had been known to tell people what a great thing I thought this sex education was in school AND that I didn,t know when the last time I had heard of a girl being pregnant (in that school)--OH BOY-- if you have to eat crow its better to do it hot
Anyway they each had 3 choices ---give the babies up --adopt them out--- or abortion --Niether my wife or I would give them any direction one way or another --It had to be their decision--So they decided they would give them up for adoption --Then during the last 6 or 7 weeks they decided to keep them. the 20 year old had a girl --The seventeen year old had a boy 9 days later so now we have 2 new souls in our little house LUCKILY my wife wants to build a new house next year-
What I am amazed at is the support this little community gave the girls --the 17 year olds principle set up computor programs so she could finish her final year (gr. 12) --and she only has to go to school for an hour a day --which her sister (who is on maternity leave ) looks after her little guy so that seems to be working OK The community threw a babyshower ---when the girls went there; there was a pile of presents 5 feet wide and 25 feet long--People had to leave to make room for other people to come and the gifts that came to the house after the shower were too many to count.
Amazing how these small communities pull together when One of us is in trouble.

carl

 

[DavisBeefmasters]

BHB -- hang tough and keep your head high. It appears there are some parallel paths to your life and ours... we were fighting the kids "other" home influence (the biological mother); however, we did the best we could as well to teach them accountability, honesty, integrity, etc. etc. all our basic values in life and that you have to earn things... things aren't just "owed to you"... I'll never forget the day of the 10-star temper tantrum over our son advising us that he was "taught in school that it's the law you have to provide for me" and threatened to turn us in for not buying him the jeans he wanted... hubby, the smart man that I love took him right on down to good will and said "go pick out yourself 5 pairs of pants for the week", the shock in the young mans eyes and when he said he wasn't going to go inside, his dad said "hey, the law says I have to provide for you, it doesn't say where I have to buy the clothes" :lol2: ... so from then on, the kids got their clothes budget and if they wanted to spend it on 1 shirt and 1 pair of pants, well -- you better be prepared to wash them every night -- I love my husband.

1 (our son) is working and finally pulling his head out of "wherever" to see the sunlight and has some debt to pay off now that he's choosing a more responsible lifestyle, 1 (our daughter) hasn't spoken to us in over a year and chooses to blame everyone for the choices she's making... I hope that she will choose differently before her choices put us in a position of burying her (drugs).

Guilt doesn't serve a purpose but to waste energy (easier said than done) -- however, if you have done the best you could, given love unconditionally (notice I say love and not trust -- 2 very different things), then man you've got it covered. Today is a very different world than the one we grew up in... very different

Keep your chin up and enjoy the blessings of grandkids... my ramblings are done for the day.

 

[backhoeboogie]

You never EVER know how things will turn out..All you can do is the best you can do,and hope/pray for the best..

In the back of my mind, I can't forget how stupid my dad became when I was about 15 years old. It must have just been an era he went through for a few years because by the time I turned about 23 or so, he had become a genius.
:shock: :shock: :shock:

 

[Calman]

In the back of my mind, I can't forget how stupid my dad became when I was about 15 years old. It must have just been an era he went through for a few years because by the time I turned about 23 or so, he had become a genius.
:shock: :shock: :shock:[/quo

It's amazing how much smarter your parents became after you've grown up.

Cal

 

[hillrancher]

I don't think its an issue as to spoiling. How do you define spoiling? I have had to mow the yard to eat supper, I have worked some kind of job and paid my own way since I was 14. I was not handed much in life and I am thankful for it. I wouldnt be where I am if not. I try not to get razzed up when folks go on rants about kids, but we all were kids.

csutton you echoed how I was raised up. I am old enough to retire now probably have gained as much wealth as I will, which is enough to care for me and wife. Working to gain this I neglected family. Working 16x7 no vaction, I regret in the later years. I now have a grand child which I have spent more time with than her father. I really have enjoyed every minute of the time with her.
All this to say working is great to accomplish necessity, but there is other things more important than a savings account.

 

[SCRUBS620]

BHB my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I have young children so these stories are still future fears for me. God bless all of those grandparents who step in on a full or part time basis. That is one thing that I think our culture has lost a little bit. That connection with grandparents that was so important. I am not just talking about grandma comes over and gives us gifts at Christmas and sends me $20 in the mail each birthday. I am talking about the most important gift anyone can give, just being there giving your time. Alot of grandparents (no disrespect to anyone on here) now are so busy still working or with social activities that they dont have the time anymore. I can say this partially because my wifes mom is like this. If there is something going on she has to check her schedule to see if she can make it. She truley does love them but everything just seems to get in the way. Anyway Kudos to all of you who do give up your time and knowledge.

Someone on here asked what the dads thought about parenting styles. First I believe that you and your spouse have to stick together, if one sets a rule both live by it. I do think mothers and fathers have different roles. Its OK for their mothers to comfort them as long as they dont openly disagree with the reasoning or the punishment (nor I would disagree openly with hers), thats what doors are for. I have always told my wife that I believe that being a father is like being a brick wall. If the kids run into it head on full steam its going to hurt. If they approach it gently they will be fine. Hopefully they will learn the difference. The other thing we do is be consistant, dont say what you are not going to enforce. Some punishments we have come up with were more painful on us (a week of "Pleeeaaasse, pleeeeaaaassee, please can I have my toy back" every ten minutes will just about break anyone) than it was on them.

There is a difference between spoiling and rewarding. Spoiling comes from not earning what you got. Rewarding can give them a sense of accomplishment and a reason to do good again.

 

[novatech]

Kids must learn that there are consequences for every action. Everything they do, or do not do, will have a reaction, good or bad. There is no middle ground. When they become adolescents everything you have taught them goes out the window and what really becomes important is the people they associate with. They will have more influence than a parent could ever think of having.
When it is all said and done it their decisions that will effect their lives and it is also their responsibility.
Once an addict always and forever an addict. Sad but true. But it is never to late to help them change and give them the courage to withstand the temptations.
Easy for me to say but I cannot even quit smoking. Thank God I never started on drugs.