Parenting advice wanted.. if anyone can relate..

[Isomade]

She needs time. Not time alone, YOUR time. Stop everything for a day. Plan on doing something you will both enjoy. Go shopping, get a massage together, go out to eat and to a movie you are both wanting to see. Don't force any conversation. When she sees that you enjoy her as a person she will open up. Since my daughters were 4 years old I take each of them individually on "Date night with daddy". On that night they get all fixed up and they get to choose where we eat, they order anything they want, and then we just have fun. Be it shopping, movie, or whatever they want to do. It has done wonders for our relationships. Then set a regular interval for these days, or evenings as I do. It could be one Thursday per month ect. And just be dinner and movie night.

I would also recommend a book by Dr James Dobson- "Bringing Up Girls"
"Date night with daddy". is what she wants and can't ever have... its different with Dads and daughters just like it is different with Moms n sons...

God bless, I wish you and her he best.

"Date night with daddy". is what she wants and can't ever have... its different with Dads and daughters just like it is different with Moms n sons... she never wants to do anything.. i ask she says nothing.. literally.. i get the are you for real? look a lot.. which is why i make them go fishing with me..the last time her n i went she sat in the truck until i told her were changing pits and she had to fish cause it was the kiddie pool lol ..i can't fish unless she did.. after that we had a great time.. she loves the outdoors and she loves playing in the rain too So I'm guessing an all day fishing trip... where at least the last half will be fun

It is very important that you make it about her, that you enjoy yourself too, that you DONT talk about problems on this one night unless she opens up, and that you do it on a regular basis where she knows it's coming and can plan for it. It may be strange the first time or two, but stick with it and whatever you do, NEVER cancel on her.

 

[Shantilly]

will have to be something cheap and local.... will give it some serious thought on what i know she'd love to do.. thanks so much for the advice.. super biggest hugs to all that replied..

 

[Caustic Burno]

no we are not affiliated with any church.. long story on the kids side... mine is easier .. i don't like the politics involved.. if I go to church every chance I get ..don't hound me because I have to work on Sunday morning and can't help boost your Sunday School attendance... My kids have seen the inside of just about every church in the county thanks to their dad... They only liked the ones that served donuts and could've cared less about anything else affiliated with it. But I believe in God and I know that He is helping me as much as he can and what was odd is that I wasn't going to say anything at all about this in here. But something told me to go ahead and don't worry about people calling me a "bad mom" because of my problems and my daughters problems.. I personally loved going to church as a kid and have asked mine if they had one they'd like to keep going to and both said no.. to many memories of their dad i guess ...

Sounds to me you are 10 pounds of excuses and a ounce of cure.
So if your kids say they don't want to go to school or the doctor that is ok?
Your the parent are the drug dealer you determine the drugs they are exposed to.
It is not your job to be their friend but their parent.
Nuff Said

 

[Shantilly]

look if i raised my kids the way i was raised and the only way i know... i'd be in jail.... so doing this the "right" way for you maybe as easy as putting on a hat..but to me its like learning French from a spanish teacher... eventually i will understand.. but it's harder when you have NOTHING to start from... but my own intuition..

 

[backhoeboogie]

I did everything by the book. My youngest daughter is back in prison now. Oldest is an engineer and living a fairy tail life. Go figure.

It rips my heart out. Raising two grandsons. Take them to see their mother. Hadn't figured on $1000 a month daycare at this age but I am doing it. Like a single dad. The boys are my focus now

You could end up just like this. Do whatever you gotta do to get her straightened out. My daughter was just fine until she went off to college. She came home a meth head. It's been a ten year wreck.

 

[skyhightree1]

personally I don't think church is the answer for raising a child. My children go to church with their friends once a week for activities and to be around other kids and learn the bible. Its a good place for them to go but as in parenting the church is not the childs parents and kids are with you way more than they are in church. There is a ton of kids that the parents were preachers deacons what have you and basically lived in church and were still unruly as was said leading by example and introducing the belt on a butt seems to work for us. She is at the age now where its a make it or break it stage. I have dealt with many unruly kids while in LE and I think a lot could have been avoided if they had their azz wore out a few times in their life. I am no child psychologist or super nanny but I am a firm believer in the BELT aka " the boogie man " in my house.

 

[3waycross]

look if i raised my kids the way i was raised and the only way i know... i'd be in jail.... so doing this the "right" way for you maybe as easy as putting on a hat..but to me its like learning French from a spanish teacher... eventually i will understand.. but it's harder when you have NOTHING to start from... but my own intuition..

The truest thing I have ever read on Cattle Today is the words " You preach a better sermon with your life than you do with your lips". That's where you need to start with your kids and deal with the rest of it as it comes. Isomade is right about one thing though. If you don't build the relationship it ain't gonna get built.

my :2cents:

 

[Shantilly]

We HAD a pretty good relationship up until the summer of 2012. Thats when she stopped talking to her dad, thats when her dads brother passed (she didn't know him) but he decided without telling the kids that he was moving back to west Texas to be closer to his family. We found out on his face book page.. he "snuck" back to town for a couple of days we had heard, but again never said a word to our kids.
She ALWAYS wanted to be "daddy's girl" but her life was shadowed by her brother.. the male to carry on the family name.... she and her dad had had a falling out and she never spoke to him again.. I kept telling her that she NEEDED to settle things with him and at least talk to him on the phone.. she wouldn't do it.. he moved back in January 2013 just before her b-day.. he never sent anything to her..but sent stuff to her brother ...stuff from his deceased uncle..Longhorn shirts n hats and then a Wii U for Christmas.. He shunned her ..I talked to him off and on and got on to him for a lot of dumb things he did to our kids... the moving away n not saying anything ,,ect.. I told him that HE needed to make amends with her.. WE all knew he wasn't going to live much longer maybe a year or so... stage 4 liver cancer and a man who wont stop drinking makes prognoses sad ..but easy... neither budged... so now I have t try and get her to understand that this was not her fault ..she is the child. and the he was the one who had to be the grown up and make things right with her.. The "anniversaries" of all this stuff are almost over... And no I am not "making excuses" I am explaining one major event in this childs life..how her Dad treated her the last year of his life.... I tried to do extra stuff for her and show her that her Dad was missing out on the good stuff in life.. I didn't do it right I guess I adore my kids..but this little girl is "special" she has been just so amazing to watch as she has grown and she has "it" whatever "it" is ..that girl has it and has been that way since she was born... Greatest show on earth.. watching kids grow up

 

[Caustic Burno]

personally I don't think church is the answer for raising a child. My children go to church with their friends once a week for activities and to be around other kids and learn the bible. Its a good place for them to go but as in parenting the church is not the childs parents and kids are with you way more than they are in church. There is a ton of kids that the parents were preachers deacons what have you and basically lived in church and were still unruly as was said leading by example and introducing the belt on a butt seems to work for us. She is at the age now where its a make it or break it stage. I have dealt with many unruly kids while in LE and I think a lot could have been avoided if they had their azz wore out a few times in their life. I am no child psychologist or super nanny but I am a firm believer in the BELT aka " the boogie man " in my house.

I had no doubt in my mind this was the road you would have taken.
I can sight examples of bad and corrupt cops along with the entire justice system as well, you usually find what you go looking for.
It is plain to see from reading this ladies writings her life is a mess.
Prisons and graveyards are full of people that had a good momma and daddy.
Finding the right church she has a local support group and church family,there is a great instruction manual for dealing with every aspect of life as well. She has no chance finding peace here. There is no guarantee the child will ever turn around, never is with any you get. I see it everyday through the local prison ministry great people that can't figure out why one of their children have thrown their life away. They are torturing themselves daily on where did they go wrong on this one. This in turn usually results in the destruction of the rest of the family. The one thing I do see in common with most all causes is they are trying to live there life's by societies rules. Maybe the state social system would be a good place to turn or even better an internet chat board.
You may never turn this kid around but she needs a local support group as well, help listen and guide her through these times.

 

[backhoeboogie]

The blame game don't cut it. You can blame the dog or the crowd she hangs with or her dad. It gives her an excuse.

I heard it all with my own daughter. My sisters even say, "She fell in with the wrong crowd." I am hanging out with two grandsons. That's my "crowd". She made choices. She has to be accountable. She chose who she hung out with.

YOU are blaming the dad. That's going to be a terrible crutch. It's going to give her an excuse for any behavior or scenario.

Tell her that you love her and you will hold her accountable. Forever.

 

[Shantilly]

When she comes homes this time she will not have one "luxury" to her name. She will get only the required necessities by law and I have added the date suggestion ..to give her and i time to get to know each other again. I do tell her that she is the one choosing to do what she has done, no one forced her and that making bad choices doesn't make you a bad person. As long as you realize it was a bad choice and don't repeat it. She is a "cutter" and she uses all kinds of things to say why she does it. I understand self mutilation, I used to harm myself as well. But like drinking and drugs, it fixes nothing but destroys a lot. Lead by example. and another point i agree with.. my life is a mess... but it always has been ..since the day I was born...I have learned through the years to only do battle in wars I can help in. May not win.. but I can always help in some way. So hard for me to explain how I see things. I am what life has made me.

 

[Caustic Burno]

You can fix your life that is a choice.
Only you can change course of victim to victor.
It is your choice and yours only.
Last comment on this thread .

 

[alisonb]

most of her life she has wanted to work with animals, become a vet to all creatures that roam the earth. That plan has gone out the window and is replaced with wanting to be a psychiatrist, which I pointed out that she can't help others if she isn't willing to help herself first. So yeah, I'm not doing so well with this

Might want to encourage her to volunteer to work a couple of hours a week at the local shelter or community facility. Let her realize that there are many people out there that are worse off than what she is. It will also make her feel as if she is doing something positive and productive instead of thinking about herself and her circumstances. You may have to join her for an hour or two ;-)

This may also assist in her deciding in which direction to study - humans/animals....

Hope all turns out well for you and your family.