Letter from management

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Angus Cattle Shower

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CANADA!
LETTER FROM MANAGEMENT!
>
>TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>FROM: MANAGEMENT
>
>Dear Staff,
>
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
>salary. If we
>see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
>that you
>are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
>so that
>you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore
>you do not need a raise.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS:
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday and Sunday.
>
>LUNCH BREAKS:
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
>that they
>can look healthy.
>
>Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
>to
>maintain their average figure.
>
>Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
>needed to
>drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
>
>SICK DAYS:
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
>you are
>able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>RESTROOM USE:
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now
>a strict
>3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
>alarm
>will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
>open and
>a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
>will be
>posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender"
>category.
>
>SURGERY:
>As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs. You
>should not
>consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
>removed
>constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input
>should be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>Management
 

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