jokes please
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SPRINGER FARMS MURRAY GRE
Well-known member
"Today is tax day. Which is a nice change of pace. We can skip one day of getting screwed at the gas pump to get screwed by the IRS." --Jay Leno
"The White House annual Easter egg hunt is this weekend. The kids, this year, have some extra help because President Bush came out on the lawn and leaked the location of the eggs." --David Letterman
"That shows the difference between administrations - Bush can't control his generals; where as Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno
"Trouble at my house this weekend. Mom got liquored up and started reading from the gospel of Judas." --David Letterman
"A French woman is attempting to become the first person ever to windsurf across the Indian Ocean. It will be the first stunt like this since 2004 when John Kerry windsurfed his way out of the presidency" --Amy Poehler
"Former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls." --Conan O'Brien
"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman
"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno
"The White House annual Easter egg hunt is this weekend. The kids, this year, have some extra help because President Bush came out on the lawn and leaked the location of the eggs." --David Letterman
"That shows the difference between administrations - Bush can't control his generals; where as Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno
"Trouble at my house this weekend. Mom got liquored up and started reading from the gospel of Judas." --David Letterman
"A French woman is attempting to become the first person ever to windsurf across the Indian Ocean. It will be the first stunt like this since 2004 when John Kerry windsurfed his way out of the presidency" --Amy Poehler
"Former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls." --Conan O'Brien
"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman
"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno
SPRINGER FARMS MURRAY GRE
Well-known member
This is Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
:shock: ;-)
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
:shock: ;-)
Oldtimer
Well-known member
The way children see things:
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bath! room to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone! to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ! "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Ma! ma, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bath! room to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone! to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ! "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Ma! ma, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Oldtimer
Well-known member
TEXAS CONTROL TOWER:
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land
on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land
westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911!"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Well, bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now.
And....oh by the way...tell Allah HOWDY for us ....yuh hear?"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land
on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land
westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911!"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Well, bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now.
And....oh by the way...tell Allah HOWDY for us ....yuh hear?"
TLCfromARK
Well-known member
>>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>>>
>>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL!
>>>
>>>Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once.
>>>
>>>TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my goodness!
>>>WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
>>>Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
>>>
>>>Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>>>
>>>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>>
>>>You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>>>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
>>>I'm driving."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
>>>
>>>On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>>
>>>That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>>
>>>That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
>>>
>>>The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
;-)
>>>
>>>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL!
>>>
>>>Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once.
>>>
>>>TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my goodness!
>>>WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
>>>Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
>>>
>>>Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>>>
>>>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>>>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>>>
>>>You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>>>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
>>>I'm driving."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
>>>
>>>On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>>>
>>>That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>>>
>>>That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
>>>
>>>The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
;-)
