Joke of the day section

[arrowhunter]

Translating Red Neck to English


BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh
bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things
gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is
gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the
University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
_________________

 

[arrowhunter]

thought we could use a section like this, I started it off now let's hear some of your jokes!

 

[CattleAnnie]

That had me giggling over my coffee this a.m. , Arrowhunter.
Here's a cute one my Dad sent me:

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, belaclava (knit face mask/ toque combo) and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the RCMP officer that the carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the RCMP remembered an old trick for just such an occasion.

"Try peeing on it", the Mountie said. "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't." replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank-you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had recieved from the RCMP.

Have a great day.

 

[cherokeeruby]

Good one, copies and pasted it and send it to my email list. Thanks.

:lol:

 

[la4angus]

That was good.

 

[arrowhunter]

let's keep em coming!



A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *BEEP* while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected...

 

[TLCfromARK]

We've just acquired the test that students have to pass to get a Master's degree in engineering from the U. of Arkansas. Of course this after they have their B.S. from Alabama, LSU, U.T., Tennessee, Texas AM, etc. Graduates from north of the Mason Dixon line need more training before attempting such advanced testing.
Enjoy.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? A 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5
children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The
brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates in an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A
gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has
been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

[arrowhunter]

http://www.iowadeer.com/images/Upload/g ... uresid.jpg

 

[txag]

i can't remember if we've had this on here before:

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are
John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but
wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands
except one boy. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be
different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my
mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George
Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she
asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan..."

 

[CattleAnnie]

SPRINGTIME IN CANADA

> > > > >

When it's springtime in Canada,

And the gentle breezes blow,

About seventy miles an hour

And it's fifty-two below.


You can tell you're in Canada

'cause the snow's up to your butt,

And you take a breath of springtime air

And your nose holes both freeze shut.


The weather here is wonderful,

So I guess I'll hang around,

I could never leave Canada.

My feet are frozen to the ground.


Just a little humour from the frozen north.
Take care.

 

[CattleAnnie]

Two Golfers

There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says: "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?

He says: "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says: "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about half way there and comes back.

The second guy asks what's wrong?

The first guy answers: "Small world!"

 

[cherokeeruby]

Thanks for a good one, makes me want to stay in Texas.

SPRINGTIME IN CANADA

> > > > >

When it's springtime in Canada,

And the gentle breezes blow,

About seventy miles an hour

And it's fifty-two below.


You can tell you're in Canada

'cause the snow's up to your butt,

And you take a breath of springtime air

And your nose holes both freeze shut.


The weather here is wonderful,

So I guess I'll hang around,

I could never leave Canada.

My feet are frozen to the ground.


Just a little humour from the frozen north.
Take care.

 

[cherokeeruby]

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR
ADULTS - REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY MARCH
18th. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND
DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE
WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step,
with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday
12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of
Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby
Bathtub? Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th
Street)

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry
Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory
Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly
Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and
Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your
Significant Other.
> Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4
Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.

Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with
looking in the right places instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
> >Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not
harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.
>
>Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real
Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while
> she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2
hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between
Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
> >Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and
Calling When You're Going to be Late.
> Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full
Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM
> for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location
to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas
will be issued to the survivors

 

[la4angus]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Jake]

lol

 

[arrowhunter]

 

[fit2btied]

Just my opinion again, but the value of your stock just skyrocketed! I want to offer you a sincere apology. I posted to the board when a PM would have been more appropriate. Please accept my apology!

 

[la4angus]

JMO, but stuff like this would be better to post to one of the thousands of smut boards out there. As a Jr. High teacher, I have to deal with kids everyday that think this kind of stuff is acceptable because it's everywhere. We already know there are several teenagers that use this site. What do we want to teach them? Again, this is just my opinion, and you can post as you wish and I can just add you to my 'not worth reading list' and we'll both be happy.

The sad thing is that Most of this stuff originally comes from the Jr. High Schoolers and younger. My parents would slapped the mess out of me from here to younder if I would have talked around them, the ways that their grandkids do openly all the time.

 

[fit2btied]

JMO, but stuff like this would be better to post to one of the thousands of smut boards out there. As a Jr. High teacher, I have to deal with kids everyday that think this kind of stuff is acceptable because it's everywhere. We already know there are several teenagers that use this site. What do we want to teach them? Again, this is just my opinion, and you can post as you wish and I can just add you to my 'not worth reading list' and we'll both be happy.

The sad thing is that Most of this stuff originally comes from the Jr. High Schoolers and younger. My parents would slapped the mess out of me from here to younder if I would have talked around them, the ways that their grandkids do openly all the time.

With the exception of a few natural instincts at birth, kids only know what they are taught. A lot of the problem is the only thing some parents are teaching their kids is that the world does owe them a living and that everything is someone else's fault. Sooner or later we are going to have to quit letting other kids raise our kids. If I didn't have any more respect for anything or anyone than a lot of kids do today, my parents would have beat the daylights out of me too. So would have my grandparents! Our school district has programs that start the kids on campus at age three. Any of our kids can begin arriving at school at 6:00 AM. They can stay until 5:00 PM. They are fed breakfast, lunch, and supper. The before and after school programs are designed for 'enrichment' but most parents see it as three hours of free babysitting service. With 'No Child Left Behind' and various other state mandated programs, we spend as much time teaching 'lifeskills' as we do teaching Math, English, etc.. Off the soapbox. In regard to the other locked thread, I am tough on my kids. I do try to make a difference. I have been sued - by the parents of a kid that wasn't selected to be a member of National Honor Society. Kid went to a party, got drunk, was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, in a coma for three weeks. Didn't meet the standards set for Character. The parents and the Shrinkologist said the kid had more character than anyone else in the school to be able to bounce back from this. Where's the responsibility? They lost! I did vote for Bush in 2000 and I'll vote against Kerry in 2004. Do I like what I do? I love it! We can't get through to all the kids, but the ones you do reach make it worthwhile. Is it time for summer break? Yes it is! Not interested in Mexico or Corona though - the grandkids, a glass of iced tea, and the back forty will do just fine!

 

[Campground Cattle]

JMO, but stuff like this would be better to post to one of the thousands of smut boards out there. As a Jr. High teacher, I have to deal with kids everyday that think this kind of stuff is acceptable because it's everywhere. We already know there are several teenagers that use this site. What do we want to teach them? Again, this is just my opinion, and you can post as you wish and I can just add you to my 'not worth reading list' and we'll both be happy.

The sad thing is that Most of this stuff originally comes from the Jr. High Schoolers and younger. My parents would slapped the mess out of me from here to younder if I would have talked around them, the ways that their grandkids do openly all the time.

With the exception of a few natural instincts at birth, kids only know what they are taught. A lot of the problem is the only thing some parents are teaching their kids is that the world does owe them a living and that everything is someone else's fault. Sooner or later we are going to have to quit letting other kids raise our kids. If I didn't have any more respect for anything or anyone than a lot of kids do today, my parents would have beat the daylights out of me too. So would have my grandparents! Our school district has programs that start the kids on campus at age three. Any of our kids can begin arriving at school at 6:00 AM. They can stay until 5:00 PM. They are fed breakfast, lunch, and supper. The before and after school programs are designed for 'enrichment' but most parents see it as three hours of free babysitting service. With 'No Child Left Behind' and various other state mandated programs, we spend as much time teaching 'lifeskills' as we do teaching Math, English, etc.. Off the soapbox. In regard to the other locked thread, I am tough on my kids. I do try to make a difference. I have been sued - by the parents of a kid that wasn't selected to be a member of National Honor Society. Kid went to a party, got drunk, was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, in a coma for three weeks. Didn't meet the standards set for Character. The parents and the Shrinkologist said the kid had more character than anyone else in the school to be able to bounce back from this. Where's the responsibility? They lost! I did vote for Bush in 2000 and I'll vote against Kerry in 2004. Do I like what I do? I love it! We can't get through to all the kids, but the ones you do reach make it worthwhile. Is it time for summer break? Yes it is! Not interested in Mexico or Corona though - the grandkids, a glass of iced tea, and the back forty will do just fine!

I totally agree with you my wife taught BAC for years, the problems start at home. I remebered getting slapped away from the supper table at 17 and I deserved it for back talking my mom. You forgot one problem I think is paramont and its church house doors that parents aren't using.
My hat is off to you and all teachers I think you are terribly underpaid and overworked in todays school districts. Thanks for your work and dedication.