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joke for the oldtimers

txag

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A 92 year old Montana rancher went to his doctor for his annual physical.
As usual, the doctor asked how he was doing, any ailments, ect.
The old man smiled at the doctor with is famous, toothless grin and stated "Doc, never felt better. Get up at 5 every morning and put in a good days work. Got married to a gourgous 19 year old and she is pregnant with my baby, what do you think of that?
The doctor stood there with his hand on his chin looking this old guy over and said " Let me tell you a story"

A man went on a bear hunt up in the mountains. In his excitement of the trip, he forgot his rifle. Among the equipment he had was this umbrella. Well, the first morning on the trial, he came upon a big,
black bear heading his way. In the excitement of all this, he aimed that umbrella at the bear, popped it open and yelled BANG. He waited a minute, looked over the umbrella and there lay the bear dead as a door nail. The doctor looked at the old man and said, "what do you think of that story?"

The old man thought a minute and stated "Doc, that is impossible, someone else shot that bear".

The doctor said "That's exactly the point I'm trying to make!!!"
 

la4angus

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That was great. My wife is still laughing. :roll:

I wonder why?? ;-)
 

IABeef

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After the local cattle auction was over, Bart stopped at a bar for a drink before he started home. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to Bart and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bart replied, "Well, I've done my share of herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, but I haven't done much of that in quite a few years. Now, I have an order buying service and mostly just buy and trade cattle."

After a short while he asked her, "What about you... What are you?"

The young lady laughed and said, "Actually, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

After the girl left, a couple sat down next to Bart, and eyeing his black hat, the man asked, ""Are you a real cowboy?"

To which Bart replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."
 

TexasBred

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Times was hard. The feller had lost his job, lost his house to a tornado and the engine blew up on his car. He had nothing but a bushel of peaches. He started to town to try and sell the peaches to raise some funds for necessities. Knocked on a door and drop dead gorgeous lady opened the door wearing nothing but a smile. He stuttered and asked "Wanna buy some peaches"?? She said "Are they firm like my breast"?? He answered "Absolutely they are". She said do they have fuzz on them like I do as she rubbed her hands over her body in every place. he answered absolutely and suddenly began crying uncontrollably. She asked him "what's wrong"?? He said, first I lost my job then a storm blew away my house, then my car blew up on me and now I'm fixin' to get screwed out of my peaches. :shock:
 

IABeef

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When the airline pilot announced that the plane was about to crash, the passengers began their last minute preprations...some started to cry, others were praying..some were writing wills..One woman in her mid thirties stood up in the rear of the plane and tearfully requested the attention of the passengers...
"I'm thirty five and have never been with a man...For one time before I die I would like to know what it feel like to really be a woman. Is there someone on this plane that can make me feel like a woman?"

A tall robust young Texan stood slowly out of his seat and answered in a slow southern drawl. Come on up here maam..I'll take care of you."

She began to tremble and wimper, began to check her lip stick and brush her hair....
The Texan began to slowly take off his shirt as the woman inched nearer to him.."Come on maam you look just fine don't worry about a thing..I'll try to be gentle."
When the woman reached him the Texan finished removing his shirt revealing rippling muscles..The nervous woman asked him, "What do I do now?"
The Texan wadded up his shirt and handed it to her..."Here, iron this."
 

inyati13

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This is true. When I was about 8, there was an old man (80s which was very old in the 1950s) who lived with his bachelor son or the son lived with his old pappy. The old man married a poor girl who was down on her luck. She was 20 or younger. If she was fixed up, you could see she was not a bad looking woman. In less than a year, she had a son. We were driving by their place one summer day and the old man, young woman and child were sitting in a swing under a tree. I ask dad, "Can a man that old have a kid?" Yep, but he might have had some help from his son.
 
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