I've about had it

[Nesikep]

I've about had it with living here, the work to reward ratio (not speaking of just money) is getting mighty thin, and in particular the old man is overbearing. Long story short, I'm pushing 40, have no family, so I'm starting to not see the point of owning a beautiful piece of land for the security of my children.. all the while being treated like an idiot from above, We all have our faults no doubt, but I'm tired of each one of mine being pointed out to me without a balance. Yeah, I know this whole self esteem movement is ludicrous, self esteem comes from within.. but it darned well can be extinguished from outside with continuous demeaning.. It's just never going to change either. I'm tired of the endless dangled carrot of "This place is yours" one minute, and the next is "If you don't do this or that, I sell the farm".. I'm tired of publicly being called the "manager", when I in fact have zero authority over anything... With the politics my dad is into, and loves to talk about, I can't even invite friends over anymore, the few I have left that haven't been scared off.

So my options here are to just outlive my old man out of spite and take my lumps for another ~10-25? years.. accepting that nothing that matters to me matters to anyone else, or to cut my losses (perhaps 10-25 years too late) and figure something else out.. I'm not a guy who needs a lot.. 3 squares and a roof, and a beer on friday nights.. And a couple cows.

The other.. well.. Who needs a farm hand with a few cows tagging along?

I can't believe I'm posting this, I'm usually a very private person about what goes on in my life, I'm just at my wits end

 

[ohiosteve]

That sucks, well whatever you decide to do I'm sure you'll do fine. You seem pretty resourceful.

 

[talltimber]

Sometimes a guy just needs to vent, and sometimes a guy needs to make a move. You are the only one with the answer to that. Have you spoken to him? Your Dad, I assume?

 

[slick4591]

Pretty much sums up why I went the way I did instead of learning to build cabinets with my dad. I feel for you Nesi.

 

[Bigfoot]

I feel for you as well. Nothing wrong with venting either. Family policy for us going back many generations has been you get your walking papers at 18. Seemed harsh when I was a kid, but looking back, it serves a purpose. Give you room to fly, and find yourself. Working without a net makes you careful where you put your hands as well.

I see people post on here, and talk to people pretty regular that are dissatisfied with a family operation. Makes me glad I'm by myself.

 

[ddd75]

have a sit down.. firm talk with him.. tell him you want owner interest in the farm, in writing. and that you also want to completely take over control of the operation.

Tell him if not, you have other opportunities presenting themselves and you'll act on them, leaving him to do all the work on the farm alone.

 

[Cross-7]

Yup I know exactly how you feel.
I hated to answer the phone or check messages back then.
I got lucky. I was served my walking papers.
It was given to another family member and to this day 25 years later he can't make a single move without getting permission first and has no guarantee he'll inherit any of it.

The question is it worth the end reward

 

[Nesikep]

Talking to him is pointless... he is the picture perfect example of a narcissist... if you point out his flaw he'll deny it and point out 5 of yours.

I gave been out on my own for a good decade... been there and dine that... had a good job I quit to come back... he wanted to retire so I was given an ultimatum of working here or selling the farm. .. it's one of those things you can't stand to love with but life is pointless without it.

The particular issue that caused this kerfuffle is me bringing Hector back home as a bull... my dad has made up his mind there shall be no line breeding or inbreeding here... and all thus comes with the same arguments every city person has... eeeewww.. it will cause birth defects... seems that the proof of it he uses is the white patches on some of the calves..

Not every experiment everyone does is going to be a success... I really don't think color ought to be the only consideration.. Markos calves typically have a better build.. though not *all* of them.

It's of course not one single issue that brings me to the breaking point but rather the pattern of everything I do is wrong. .. I am unable to make a correct decision... I am faulted for not taking charge and being indecisive.... etc. A perfect example of this is the girlfriend I had when I moved back up here... they didn't like her and banned her from setting foot on the property... was she 'the one' in my eyes... I don't think so... they mocked my previous girlfriend too though it wasn't hatred. .. so then I decided the I'll either be celibate or they will never be given the opportunity to hurt me and another person that way

Anyhow... I guess I was the fool thinking that coming back a decade later things would have changed... leaving here this time the only thing keeping me from setting fire to the place on my way out are the legal consequences

 

[Nesikep]

Looking solely at the monetary value of the place... its worth somewhere in the 1 to 2 mill range.. my income is about 18ķ a year and from that I carry the day to day costs of running the place.. fuel.. salt.. minerals, twine.. truck insurance and so on while they pay for capital expenditures ...
So unless I have some payout coming, the math isn't in my favor

 

[Rafter S]

Nesi,

I know hindsight doesn't help right now, but when he banned your girlfriend it was time to tell him to go soak his head.

 

[skyhightree1]

I've about had it with living here, the work to reward ratio (not speaking of just money) is getting mighty thin, and in particular the old man is overbearing. Long story short, I'm pushing 40, have no family, so I'm starting to not see the point of owning a beautiful piece of land for the security of my children.. all the while being treated like an idiot from above, We all have our faults no doubt, but I'm tired of each one of mine being pointed out to me without a balance. Yeah, I know this whole self esteem movement is ludicrous, self esteem comes from within.. but it darned well can be extinguished from outside with continuous demeaning.. It's just never going to change either. I'm tired of the endless dangled carrot of "This place is yours" one minute, and the next is "If you don't do this or that, I sell the farm".. I'm tired of publicly being called the "manager", when I in fact have zero authority over anything... With the politics my dad is into, and loves to talk about, I can't even invite friends over anymore, the few I have left that haven't been scared off.

So my options here are to just outlive my old man out of spite and take my lumps for another ~10-25? years.. accepting that nothing that matters to me matters to anyone else, or to cut my losses (perhaps 10-25 years too late) and figure something else out.. I'm not a guy who needs a lot.. 3 squares and a roof, and a beer on friday nights.. And a couple cows.

The other.. well.. Who needs a farm hand with a few cows tagging along?

I can't believe I'm posting this, I'm usually a very private person about what goes on in my life, I'm just at my wits end

Nesi... I always say nothing like having your own. If someone is going to give me something they will give it to me while I have my own stuff. If you allow someone to jerk you around by holding the carrot that's you giving them permission to do so. Sometimes you just got to break loose and do your own thing. People can only mistreat you if you allow it.

 

[Nesikep]

Sky.. agreed... and that's the most painful part of it... I'm screwed either way at this point... financially if I leave... emotionally if I stay... I am confident in my heart that I've done what I can and this isn't MY failure this time

 

[True Grit Farms]

Dealing with family is tough, I got screwed over big time by my family. I went 10 years without talking to my dad, and only seen him when I had to at family functions. Now the big tough football player, is a old man that will do anything he for me. I wish now we could of worked something out personally between us. My son is stressing me out lately, he knows everything and nothing I do is right. Just about the opposite of your problem.
My advice is have a financial talk with your dad and make it perfectly clear how you feel. At 40 it's time to poop or get off the pot, you only got 20 more years to make it at best. COMMUNICATION IS MANDATORY

 

[Rafter S]

Dealing with family is tough, I got screwed over big time by my family. I went 10 years without talking to my dad, and only seen him when I had to at family functions. Now the big tough football player, is a old man that will do anything he for me. I wish now we could of worked something out personally between us. My son is stressing me out lately, he knows everything and nothing I do is right. Just about the opposite of your problem.
My advice is have a financial talk with your dad and make it perfectly clear how you feel. At 40 it's time to poop or get off the pot, you only got 20 more years to make it at best. COMMUNICATION IS MANDATORY

How old is he? From my experience that's pretty typical when they're about 17 or 18, but about 5 years later they figure out they weren't as smart as they thought they were. I know I went through it.

 

[True Grit Farms]

Dealing with family is tough, I got screwed over big time by my family. I went 10 years without talking to my dad, and only seen him when I had to at family functions. Now the big tough football player, is a old man that will do anything he for me. I wish now we could of worked something out personally between us. My son is stressing me out lately, he knows everything and nothing I do is right. Just about the opposite of your problem.
My advice is have a financial talk with your dad and make it perfectly clear how you feel. At 40 it's time to poop or get off the pot, you only got 20 more years to make it at best. COMMUNICATION IS MANDATORY

How old is he? From my experience that's pretty typical when they're about 17 or 18, but about 5 years later they figure out they weren't as smart as they thought they were. I know I went through it.

He's 24 Rafter, he's 3 to 4 years behind schedule. The last few years have been tough. We're still best friends and I try hard to remember this sometimes.

 

[Nesikep]

Grit: the difference there is that your son doesn't hold power over you and your assets. I'm glad you are best friends and you remind yourself of this... through thick and thin. I would hope you listen to what he says and even if you don't agree, respect his opinion.

My dad and I have hardly ever been friends.. since we've had the farm, he wasn't a father, he was a boss... except it was a boss 24 hrs a day and with complete control over my personal life. At this point I'll gladly take an arse of a boss for 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week.. my obligations start when I punch in and end when I leave... his obligations end when I get a paycheck. My personal life is of no concern to him.
Now I'm not a guy who enjoys fishing.. though perhaps that would be because I was 7 or 8 the last time we went fishing.. playing ball... hiking.. bike riding or *any* kind of family activity ceased when I was 11... and now I couldn't stand to do any of them... I can't bear to be in the same vehicle... oh? You're cold? You're stupid for not dressing warmer, I'm going to have the window down.
I've stopped giving a crap, but there's a look I get every time I go to town (once a week)like ' what the heck are you doing.

The long and the short of it is he'a run out of the respect that I owe him for the sole virtue of being my father... at this point without it being mutual I'm all done. I still do recognize his qualities, and many of them are why we were able to keep the farm through many adversities, but there are also great faults when applied to the familu

 

[RanchMan90]

I've about had it with living here, the work to reward ratio (not speaking of just money) is getting mighty thin, and in particular the old man is overbearing. Long story short, I'm pushing 40, have no family, so I'm starting to not see the point of owning a beautiful piece of land for the security of my children.. all the while being treated like an idiot from above, We all have our faults no doubt, but I'm tired of each one of mine being pointed out to me without a balance. Yeah, I know this whole self esteem movement is ludicrous, self esteem comes from within.. but it darned well can be extinguished from outside with continuous demeaning.. It's just never going to change either. I'm tired of the endless dangled carrot of "This place is yours" one minute, and the next is "If you don't do this or that, I sell the farm".. I'm tired of publicly being called the "manager", when I in fact have zero authority over anything... With the politics my dad is into, and loves to talk about, I can't even invite friends over anymore, the few I have left that haven't been scared off.

So my options here are to just outlive my old man out of spite and take my lumps for another ~10-25? years.. accepting that nothing that matters to me matters to anyone else, or to cut my losses (perhaps 10-25 years too late) and figure something else out.. I'm not a guy who needs a lot.. 3 squares and a roof, and a beer on friday nights.. And a couple cows.

The other.. well.. Who needs a farm hand with a few cows tagging along?

I can't believe I'm posting this, I'm usually a very private person about what goes on in my life, I'm just at my wits end

Nobody owes you anything. Me and my old man mix like oil and water as well. I sold off my small herd, moved to town, got a trade out of high school. Now nearly a decade later I'm getting a grip on my own farm equity and my stepmoms kids have taken over my dad's place. Perhaps you can work it out where you can lease your dad's place and everyone can make a little money and have some space?

 

[Nesikep]

Nobody owes you anything. Me and my old man mix like oil and water as well. I sold off my small herd, moved to town, got a trade out of high school. Now nearly a decade later I'm getting a grip on my own farm equity and my stepmoms kids have taken over my dad's place. Perhaps you can work it out where you can lease your dad's place and everyone can make a little money and have some space?

I realize I'm not *owed* anything.. I've worked for 8 years here since being back, but I keep getting my goalposts moved and it's become a systemic problem. Last night, It was all I could do not to jump out of my chair and strangle him when he spoke to my mother and said (and I quote) "I don't give a F*** about your opinion".. 3 times no less.. The only thing preventing me from doing stupid things are the consequences, because in that case once again he'd win.

 

[callmefence]

I've been in your shoes nes. Only at a much younger age. What worked out for me was leaving. With other family playing games for the prize. I just left. I decided I wasn't about to worry about something that isn't mine. I never asked for a dime even when I really needed it. It took about ten years. But I think I earned some respect. And things changed in a very big way...I think the worse thing a parent can do is to guarantee something to their children. It creates situations like yours. You can have your children set up in every way. But you should never tell them..

 

[Nesikep]

I've been in your shoes nes. Only at a much younger age. What worked out for me was leaving. With other family playing games for the prize. I just left. I decided I wasn't about to worry about something that isn't mine. I never asked for a dime even when I really needed it. It took about ten years. But I think I earned some respect. And things changed in a very big way...I think the worse thing a parent can do is to guarantee something to their children. It creates situations like yours. You can have your children set up in every way. But you should never tell them..

Oh it took a heck of a lot of convincing on their part to get me to come back, because I did realize the great risk that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough, just like it never was in the past.. which is why there had to be a carrot... the stick being they sell out and I lose the cows that were unofficially "mine", and the only place I've ever called home (we moved a lot when I was a kid)
After 5 years the herd was supposed to be mine.. I have been taking the income of the herd for the last few, but it certainly isn't mine if I can't make any decisions about it.

Anyhow, at this point I am putting feelers out.