Holiday Stories About Turkeys

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Aug 15, 2007
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Heart of Texas
"Thanksgiving, 1972. After the death of my mother, earlier that year, my father had begun to date his high school sweetheart. They married and it was going to be the first Thanksgiving for the two combined families. Probably 25-30 people were there. At the head of the two tables were the matriarch and the patriarch of the families. My Grandmother, 90 years old, and the father of my step-mother, 91. What a great meal we had. Very traditional and delicious. We were all "stuffed". After dessert, we were all going to sit around the wood stove and chat. Grandpa got up from the table and, with his cane began to amble over to the couch. About half way he dropped to the floor. I believe, to this day, that he was dead before he hit the floor. Needless to say, the party was over. Family, turkey, dessert and death. There's a recipe for "Thanksgiving Horror"."

"God, where do I start? Maybe my grandmother telling me, "It looks like you've put on some weight" as I was about to dig into the stuffing. Or the year the candied yams spilled all over my feet in the car on the way to dinner. Or last year, when I had too much fun the night before and not even the bands in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade could rival the one pounding inside my head …"

"Katy's parents, both Michigan alumni, were among the many to have experienced "the giblet phenomenon," but allegations were also made that one family member dropped a turkey on the ground last year and then tried to act nonchalant in the hopes that no one would notice. The accused did not make a statement regarding the alleged incident. Katy's father, Steve Larson, generously provided a tip on how to avoid overcooking a turkey.

"The way to tell if a turkey is done," says Larson, "is that you put a cup of popcorn inside the turkey, and when the popcorn pops up and blows out his a$$, he's done."

"…My grandmother was drinking gin while she was making the dressing. That's her favorite drink. So that's what happens when you drink gin and make dressing for Thanksgiving - people get sick. That's the moral to the story."

From the Butterball Turkey Talk Line, Director Mary Clingman, in Downers Grove, Ill:

"We got a call from a guy last year whose turkey wouldn't fit in his pan. He wrapped it in a towel and stomped on it until it did," Clingman said.

Another caller cut a turkey in half with a chain saw, then worried that oil on the saw might have transferred onto the turkey.

A woman in Colorado who left her turkey outside to keep it frozen realized she couldn't find it when more snow fell.

Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Kathy Bernard with the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hotline in Beltsville, Md., said a caller last year wanted to make her bird inside a roasting bag, but didn't have one, so had improvised.

"She pulled a dry cleaning bag off her husband's suit, and it melted onto the bird," Bernard said.
Now I have been cooking since I was 5 years old and done a few screw ups.
My worst one dealt with a pumpkin pie. I had only bought one pumpkin that was turned into a Jack O Lantern. Well after Halloween I baked it up and froze the pulp. guess what I made for Thanksgiving that year. :oops: :oops: :oops: Maybe I shouldn't of said anything, but I thought my folks were going to murder me.

I have to say the Thanksgiving that kept me in stitches was the one in which my oldest sister was first married. They were living in California. Now a little history on my sister she cannot cook and has messed up Jello and instant pudding.
The phone calls started at around 7am. First one went along these lines. "What do you mean how long does it take to thaw a turkey out? About 3 or 4 days. How big is your turkey? Why did you buy a 20lb turkey for just you 2? How many guys did he invite? Will it fit in your microwave? Well get to thawing."
Second call. "How many boxes of Stove Top do you need? Well more then one for 6 of you. Any stores open? Send him out."
By about the 5th call I was just laughing my self silly.
The best one I remember was when my sister was doing Thankgiving at her house for the first time she was busy with everything and it all looked great when my mom opened the oven to look at the Turkey about an hr before we were supposed to eat Sis forgot to turn on the oven
Luckily I had made a Ham for another dinner at my inlaws and I ran home and got it and we put her bird in the oven and I took it to the Inlaws so everything worked out
My first turkey... I had no idea there was anything INSIDE the turkey. It baked up all nice and pretty and things were just great until my husband noticed something slightly sticking out and when he pulled it gave birth. I remember thinking "What the heeeeel" ....I was humiliated.

Another time he was coming home from work with a co-worker (they had been out of town) and I wanted to suprise them both with a nice steak dinner. I had NO IDEA how long it took baked potatoes to bake.... Keith sat there and said "these are some real good crunchy taters" which they both started laughing....I think there was beer involved.

Now, after 20+ years of marriage I've become a good cook... THANK GOD!!
Wisteria Farms":3splr00m said:
My first turkey... I had no idea there was anything INSIDE the turkey. It baked up all nice and pretty and things were just great until my husband noticed something slightly sticking out and when he pulled it gave birth. I remember thinking "What the heeeeel" ....I was humiliated.

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: Don't worry you are in good company. My first Thanksgiving in my marriage was spent at my sister -n laws house. She did the exact same thing. I thought it was sooo funny. Especially since she is a professor of nutrition at a college and has written several books which are used in colleges today. :lol2: :lol2: And no, I will not give out her name as it is part of the extortion and blackmail racket I got going. :lol2:
My mom didn't cook thanksgiving for years because she would always work the holidays. Well she was off one year and cooked for extended family. I wanted to help being a good cook and cooking thanksgiving for years. I ended up cleaning the house. We ended up having half of the food that we needed. Most of it was over cooked. When she put the turkey on the table the neck fell out and the innards were still in the little pack.

I know this is not thanksgiving…
My wife went to make meat loaf one day. Well she pulled out a cook book and went at it. She called me when she got to the part of getting it to stick together. We talked about it for a few minutes before she told me she already cooked the meat. I talked her into adding a bunch of veggies and a jar of tomatoes and have hamburger stew. The funny part is the kids want it all the time now.
I think everyone's known someone thats done this but my cousin is married to a real primadonna... well, she proceeds to make him a nice dinner and when he tears into the salad, its CABBAGE. She swore she didn't know the difference :dunce:

This same cousin's mom always makes the salad for holiday gatherings... she has THE BEST dressing recipe EVER!!! Anyway, my husband bellys-up to the salad bowl, gives it a stir and says, "Is this for extra fiber???!!!" holding a soggy dishtowel up by the tongs. We were all rolling. She had put her washed romaine in the bowl over a towel but forgot about the towel, poured on the dressing, mushrooms, croutons and vwalla! We now call it "Towel Salad".

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