From the Wash. Post

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Dec 28, 2003
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MO Ozarks
Once again, The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.

4 Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absent mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.

5. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and
gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here
are this year's

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose
of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12 Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an

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