five strands

[cow pollinater]

Five new strands
rolled out by hand
glistening in the sunlight
claiming ownership
in land where paper means nothing
but gives the chance to purchase
with blood and sweat
ownership

Old men's faces
where the clouds meet the mountain
smile from under crumpled hats
knowing...
the land owns another man

 

[cow pollinater]

It needs some work but it's been rattling around for a few weeks so it was time to get it put out there and start working on it.

 

[Jogeephus]

Don't change the last - that's really good. Maybe condense the first a little? Still good though.

 

[cross_7]

You're one of them guys too ;-)

I like it but needs a picture to go with it.

 

[cow pollinater]

Five new strands
claiming ownership
in land where paper means nothing
but offers purchase
with blood and sweat
ownership

Old men's faces
where the clouds meet the mountain
smile from under crumpled hats
knowing...
the land owns another man

Better?

 

[cow pollinater]

You're one of them guys too ;-)
.

I wish I could quit. :lol: Once I see something a certain way it's going to come out as a poem sooner or later. It's just a matter of writing it down.
It really ruins listening to music because my brain plays with the words until I can't even listen to songs I really like without turning them into satire and it's usually pretty dirty.

 

[regolith]

Cut "where paper means nothing" - focus on what's happening, not what's not happening, you'll still get the message across.

If that made sense at all...

Very nice. Now can I steal those two lines you cut for my next piece of writing?
Take the 'ing' off the second line. Now it's time I stop trying to figure out how to make that first verse work because that's your job and I've got a character I'm supposed to be thinking on (who isn't a cattleman).

 

[pdfangus]

I liked the original version best....
paucity of words is not a cause for clebration...
using the words to clearly paint a mental picture is what is necessary.
given that I don't have an ounce of poetry in my soul....but I do appreciate good writing.
that first effort painted a clear mental picture for me....

 

[melking]

Strongly agree with pd. do not change original....fantastic!

 

[Craig Miller]

I like the original the best

 

[J&D Cattle]

Very nice, original was my favorite too.

 

[cow pollinater]

Thanks all. It won't make it into print anywhere so read whichever version you like best. :lol: Regolith is right, the "ing" doesn't work but I'm going to leave it there because it bothers other people a whole lot more than it bothers me.

 

[cross_7]

How bout this CP ?

 

[cow pollinater]

That's pretty snazzy but that country is waaaay to flat for us. :lol:

 

[Ouachita]

That's awesome CP. Write some more and post them. I like the way you think