The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96
year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
To whom it may concern;
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless
prerecorded entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
> > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I
> require
> > >your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> pages,
> but
> > >in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> about
> me,
> > >there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
> medical
> > >history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
> details
> > >of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> liabilities)
> must
> > >be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
> your
> > >employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> I
> > >regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modeled
> > >it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
> account
> > >balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
> > >sincerest form of flattery.
> > >
> > > Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When
> you
> call
> > >me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system
> to
> > >choose from.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Please press the buttons as follows:
> > >
> > > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > >
> > > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > >
> > > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > >
> > > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > >
> > > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> nature.
> > >
> > > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > >
> > > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> computer
> > >is required. Such passwords will be communicated to your
> Authorized
> > >Contact at a later time and date as is comfortable for me.
> > >
> > > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
> 7
> over
> > >again.
> > >
> > > 9. To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as
> indicated
> > >above. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
> of
> my
> > >automated answering service.
> > >
> > > While this may, on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
> music
> will
> > >play for the duration of the call.
> > >
> > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
> an
> > >establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
> arrangement.
> > >Please credit my account after each occasion.
> > >
> > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
> Year.
> > >
> > > Your Humble Client,
year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
To whom it may concern;
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless
prerecorded entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
> > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I
> require
> > >your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> pages,
> but
> > >in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> about
> me,
> > >there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
> medical
> > >history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
> details
> > >of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> liabilities)
> must
> > >be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
> your
> > >employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> I
> > >regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modeled
> > >it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
> account
> > >balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
> > >sincerest form of flattery.
> > >
> > > Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When
> you
> call
> > >me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system
> to
> > >choose from.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Please press the buttons as follows:
> > >
> > > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > >
> > > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > >
> > > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > >
> > > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > >
> > > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> nature.
> > >
> > > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > >
> > > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> computer
> > >is required. Such passwords will be communicated to your
> Authorized
> > >Contact at a later time and date as is comfortable for me.
> > >
> > > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
> 7
> over
> > >again.
> > >
> > > 9. To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as
> indicated
> > >above. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
> of
> my
> > >automated answering service.
> > >
> > > While this may, on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
> music
> will
> > >play for the duration of the call.
> > >
> > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
> an
> > >establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
> arrangement.
> > >Please credit my account after each occasion.
> > >
> > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
> Year.
> > >
> > > Your Humble Client,
