upfrombottom
Well-known member
Crazy Farmgirl":1b2kcyd2 said:
At least you can make it as tight as you want, or as loose as you want, or put your thumb over the end and hit bottom.
Daily Joke
- Thread starter slick4591
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At least you can make it as tight as you want, or as loose as you want, or put your thumb over the end and hit bottom.
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !
Anyone have place I can stay for a few days?
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !
Anyone have place I can stay for a few days?
hillsdown
Well-known member
slick4591":9pprydct said:
:lol: :lol2: :hide:
melking
Well-known member
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
chrisy
Well-known member
fancy a flight Slick there's a room waiting.
alisonb
Well-known member
On their first night together, a newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
OP
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slick4591
Well-known member
:lol:
OP
OP
slick4591
Well-known member
A police recruit was asked during an oral board question, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
chrisy
Well-known member
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
A
Anonymous
An older fellow decides he wants to go see NYC as part of his bucket list. He's walking around downtown with his grand daughter and he sees a punk in his mid twenties. Punk has a Mohawk dyed red blue yellow. Old guy does a double take, and stops the young man. He can't believe his eyes and is stammering trying to beleive what he's seeing. Finally hes able to gather himself and explains,
" there was this time back in WWII that I got really loaded while on shore leave. We had a 3 day pass. I don't remember much but was told I made it with a parrot. I didn't believe them until I saw you. I think you may be my son"
" there was this time back in WWII that I got really loaded while on shore leave. We had a 3 day pass. I don't remember much but was told I made it with a parrot. I didn't believe them until I saw you. I think you may be my son"
OP
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slick4591
Well-known member
I had a lady tell me that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, that just can't be true because a year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "wouldn't it be nice to have another kid".
But, you'll never hear a guy say "I would like another kick in the nuts, please".
Well, that just can't be true because a year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "wouldn't it be nice to have another kid".
But, you'll never hear a guy say "I would like another kick in the nuts, please".
Ouachita
Well-known member
slick4591":15ud4kur said:
Had to cross my legs to read your post slick. My youngest daughter, the last kid, the birth control baby, aka: caboose, has an "ability" to catch me completely off-guard/unaware of her presence, and have me doubled over gasping and squealing like a girl. She doesn't intend to hurt me, always feels real bad about it and says she's sorry. Guess it's Gods way of telling me I've fullfilled my part of the "be fruitful, and multiply" deal :lol2:
chrisy
Well-known member
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
cow pollinater
Well-known member
A guy walks into the welfare office to collect his monthly check the same as he has for the last few years.
He tells the lady at the counter,"You know, I hate this. I wish someone would just give me a job so that I don't have to keep coming here..."
She smiled and said, "it's your lucky day. Some guy just pulled in and claimed to be a multi-millionaire and said he needed a new driver for his twenty year old daughter. She's a model and needs someone to drive her from shoot to shoot. She lives an active life so your job comes with an appartment right next to hers and you'll be expected to help fulfill her rather voracious sexual appetite."
By this time the guys eyes were as big as saucers and his jaw was on the counter. "you're $hittin' me" he stammered...
She replied "Well yeah... but you started it!"
He tells the lady at the counter,"You know, I hate this. I wish someone would just give me a job so that I don't have to keep coming here..."
She smiled and said, "it's your lucky day. Some guy just pulled in and claimed to be a multi-millionaire and said he needed a new driver for his twenty year old daughter. She's a model and needs someone to drive her from shoot to shoot. She lives an active life so your job comes with an appartment right next to hers and you'll be expected to help fulfill her rather voracious sexual appetite."
By this time the guys eyes were as big as saucers and his jaw was on the counter. "you're $hittin' me" he stammered...
She replied "Well yeah... but you started it!"
chrisy
Well-known member
Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on
this
one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to HeII.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost
every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go.
"Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both place.
Shall we look at HeII first?"
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing
in
the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is HeII, I can't wait to see
Heaven."
God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels
drifting
about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as HeII. Bill thought for only a
brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would prefer to go to HeII." As you wish," said
God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how
things were going.He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the
hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
pitchforks.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and
despair,
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the
beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
this
one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to HeII.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost
every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go.
"Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both place.
Shall we look at HeII first?"
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing
in
the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is HeII, I can't wait to see
Heaven."
God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels
drifting
about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as HeII. Bill thought for only a
brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would prefer to go to HeII." As you wish," said
God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how
things were going.He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the
hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
pitchforks.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and
despair,
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the
beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
chrisy
Well-known member
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons
for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
sub particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected
however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny
amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds
and slow it to the point where it take days.
Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but
"re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy
neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the
confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration
forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more
you re- organize, the morass you cover.
element yet known to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons
for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
sub particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected
however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny
amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds
and slow it to the point where it take days.
Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but
"re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy
neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the
confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration
forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more
you re- organize, the morass you cover.
KenB
Well-known member
Chrisy, That isn't a joke, its more a fact.
alisonb
Well-known member
A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."
cowmilker
Well-known member
This Texas cowboy decides to go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. As he walks in the door, he's confronted by the matre d', who says "I'm sorry sir, we require a coat and a tie." The man goes out to his truck and, after rummaging around behind the seat, pulls out a dusty old jean jacket. He shakes it out, puts it on, and walks back into the restaurant. The matre d' says "sir, we require a coat AND a tie". The cowboy goes back out to his truck, pulls out a pair of jumper cables, puts them around his neck, and ties a perfect windsor knot. He walks back into the restaurant and is confronted by the matre d' again, who says "well, I see you have a coat and I guess you have a tie. Tell you what. I'm gonna let you in, but don't try and start nuthin."
