Daily Joke

[HDRider]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.




When they got home, their mailman was dead on the front porch.

 

[Redgully]

Once upon a time...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out
the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: "What do women really want?" Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his
kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the
priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone,
but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell
him, was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The
price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for
the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and
Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer
his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted
to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and
Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked
and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often
made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be
able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the
witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. and
so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him
total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and
courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her
hands, belched and passed gas, and made everyone uncomfortable as ever. The
wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night,
entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had
happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when
she was a witch),half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he
want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel
question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of
his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous
witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What
would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
made your own choice.
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The Answer

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing
this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he
had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. Is there a
moral to this story? There is none, it doesn't matter if your woman is
pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch.

 

[Redgully]

ROOSTERS

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

 

[Dave]

This year is flying by. It is riot season already? I still have me corona decorations up.

 

[SBMF 2015]

A Charolais, an Angus, and a Hereford cow are out grazing in the pasture.
A plain flies over.
The Charolais gets spooked and jumps over the fence. The Angus cow gets spooked and runs through the fence.
The Hereford looks up with her one good eye, and prolapsed!

 

[Nesikep]

A Charolais, an Angus, and a Hereford cow are out grazing in the pasture.
A plain flies over.
The Charolais gets spooked and jumps over the fence. The Angus cow gets spooked and runs through the fence.
The Hereford looks up with her one good eye, and prolapsed!

I heard that one except it was a vet looking into the pen, and a Salers instead of a Char.. Salers are like deer!

 

[SBMF 2015]

An old farmer died and went to the pearly gates. When he gets there St. Peter greets him and they start talking. St. Peter asks the farmer what he would like to do in heaven? The farmer thinks on it and replies that he always enjoyed feeding cattle on earth and was pretty good at it.
St. Peter says that he will set the farmer up to feed cattle in heaven and gives the farmer directions to his new feedlot.
The next morning the semis pull in and unload the nicest most even set of yearling steers the farmer has ever seen.
As the days go by the farmer can't believe how these steers grow, he could almost see them getting bigger.
The days go by and the farmer starts to get worried. The cattle were almost finished and the cattle buyer had not been around to look at them.
The farmer started asking around if anyone knew a cattle buyer.
Finally out of desperation the farmer went and saw St. Peter. He says St. Peter I have a terrible problem; These strs grew amazingly, and the next load is showing up next week, but I can't find a cattle buyer to sell my fats to. St. Peter looked at the farmer straight faces and said : Oh I forgot to tell you, you won't find a cattle buyer in heaven.