Daily Joke

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OwnedByTheCow

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
 

ez14.

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OwnedByTheCow":1tjpx39d said:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's be nice near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
where did you get all those?
 

jehosofat

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Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s dog, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

He knew Michele would go ballistic. Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"
 

TexasBred

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All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

Finally,......the little girl said......

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
 

Nesikep

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37652737_2164029106957908_8873863236282220544_n.jpg
 

OwnedByTheCow

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I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
 

wbvs58

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OwnedByTheCow":2shoxtkd said:
I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

Another one of your dirty jokes, OBC, very good.

Ken
 

Rafter S

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A mature gentleman was at the health club when an attractive young woman walked by. He looked over at the trainer and asked "Which one of these machines should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old guy for a minute, then looked at the young lady, then looked at the machines, and finally looked back at the old guy and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 
OP
slick4591

slick4591

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A truck driver lives a good long healthy life. After millions of miles on the road he dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates, and says you have been a good and faithful servant. You can have any kind of truck you want any accessory any Chrome just let me know. So the truck driver proceed still lay out his dream rig for st. Peter. Peter snaps his fingers and the rig appears before them.

St. Peter tell him that just down the road there's a truck stop and he should go there to wait for a load. So the driver drive down the road to the truck stop pulls into a huge parking lot he sees beautiful Riggs from the thirties to forties the fifties all the way up to modern day. They're all sitting there covered in dust none of them are moving. But there's a parking space right near the doorway. He Parks his rig and walks inside and there's a beautiful Buffet of every food he's ever enjoyed there's a TV room with big plush seats. He sits down in the chair and one of his favorite shows is on.

As he starts to watch the show he leans over to the driver next to him and says, "How come nobody is moving? There's no freight??"

The other driver looks at him and says, "They're still waiting for the first dispatcher to make it into heaven."
 

bbirder

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Perfect Bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man went on a date with the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ”She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.” The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. “Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
 

bbirder

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Circle Fly

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep, " the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" the trooper asked.

"Them flies that circle a horse's azz." answered the farmer.

"Circle flies, huh." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's azz, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
 

Nesikep

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A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to
speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that
she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of
$15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
 

bbirder

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Wife Missing? Call The Sheriff!!!




Wife Missing?



Husband: My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!




Sheriff: Height?




Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.




Sheriff: Weight?




Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.




Sheriff: Color of eyes?




Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.




Sheriff: Color of hair?




Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.




Sheriff: What was she wearing?




Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.




Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?




Husband: She went in my truck.




Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?




Husband: A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4L Hemi V8 engine, ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.




At this point the husband started choking up.




Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"
 

Nesikep

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The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short
distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the Italian man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry
for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her
and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian
brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
 

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